55 Funny Quotes

_____My wife says she's leaving me because I'm too obsessed with no punchline jokes (the punchline)

_____Funny how that girl had a sign that said Will work for food but she didnt want to give me a job (humor quote)

_____Since learning that an injury is forgotten much sooner than an insult, I always make sure to compliment people before I rip their spleens out. (insult quotes)

_____I can never spell 'basterd' correctly. I think I'm illiteregitimate. (bastard quote)

_____ Dear important website I always visit, please shove that premium membership button up you’re a** (website quote)

_____ Women hate football because those guys get pounded when they have THEIR pads on (funny football quotes)

_____ Friend: Dude you were so stoned last night Me: Ah! That explains all the bruises on my face  (cute quote status)

_____Ladies, if you can't beat them, go to the gym. (lady Quotes)

_____My wife told me to stop playing with myself, but with a schlong like mine, it's more work than play. (wife quotes)

_____Lady, if you really meant it, your 'I'm sorry' would be as loud as your sneeze. (lady quotes)

_____I have something in my pants that drives women crazy. Too bad its a Rubiks Cube (rubiks cube quote)

_____Don't just have a good day.. be the one that makes the good day. That.. and weed. :) (funny weed quote)

_____I got a job advertising clothing made of chocolate and caramel. I always wanted to be a Rolo model

_____When I see how bad some men are at hiding the fact that they are checking out some hot young thing walking by, it makes me wonder if I am a lot more obvious than I think I am. (hot quotes)

_____If you dont want people to talk down to you all the time maybe you should spend less time on your knees (cute hilarious quote status)

_____How can you say I am concieted when clearly I am just STANDING here being awesome? (Awesome quote)

_____I am so glad you never put your money where your mouth is because I would get paper cuts on my ****  (funny money quote)

_____My wife asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of hearing it so I told her to put a sock in it (humorous quote status, short joke)

_____When a guy asks what you do for a living he’ll probably walk away when you answer, "Your mom." But the look on his face is totally worth it. (jokes about yo momma)

_____Best advice when you're angry is to calm down, take a deep breath and walk away...far enough to safely detonate the explosives. (advice quotes)

_____Now how can I say this and still be discreet? Your face is so scary it made my bowels release (funny face quotes)

_____"I'm in rare form today!!!" - Steak....I'm sorry that you have to read that.....

_____‎I was trying to figure out how this girl could have so many friends on FB then I realized its because she eats more nuts than a squirrel (funny quote about Facebook)

_____I don't mind writing on my friends' Facebook walls for their birthdays; it's the least I can do. Literally... The least I can do. (funny birthday quotes)

_____When I go out to eat I put a tampon in my pocket. If my waitress acts like a c**t guess what her tip is? (great funny quote status)

_____You know if I had a penny for every time I have hit my ex-girlfriend. I could buy a hockey stick and hit that b!t*h real harder. (quotes on ex girlfriend)

_____I bought myself a wonderful picture today..............it was really a mirror but when I'm standing in front of it...there is such a lovely view (happy quote)

_____My new secretary really sucks. It's her only good quality. (secretary quotes)

_____I hate when I am trying to eat something and it farts (fart quotes)

_____Whenever I make my own sandwich I leave myself a tip. Like - GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT NEXT TIME! (funny sandwich quote)

_____Whenever I find a pubic hair in a library book I think “Oh, I've already read this one.”

 funny picture quote

_____They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks but your mom sure learned a lot last night

_____I've saved a lot of time by faking headaches instead of orgasms.

_____It's probably for the best that I don't design airports. First thing I'd do would be replace all the moving sidewalks with slip n' slides.

_____I hate it when women just walk straight past me and waste a perfectly good erection. (famous funny quote)

_____I'm sorry, but until people figure out how to hibernate, I'm going to have to declare that bears are smarter.

_____Love may begin with butterflies in my stomach, but I'm always hoping it ends with my semen in yours (funny love quote)

_____In an effort to improve productivity. Send all emails to the trash bin.

_____Women are like smiles. If you see one on my face there's a good chance that I am happy (funny woman quotes)

_____I was writing some poetry when I realize that Barack Obama rhymes with I banged your mama (funny Obama quote)

_____If you are reading this it is because I only block people who are funnier than me

_____When a woman says her CREATIVE juices are flowing, does that mean she is on her period?

_____I don't like eating my greens. I prefer smoking them

_____asking me to stop being a smart a** is like asking you to start being smart...just not happening. (smart quotes)

_____Saving my sarcasm and just punching people in the throat...not alot though. ... just a lil. (sarcastic quotes)

_____So I blocked my toilet...and now I really regret that why the fugg I added it on my messenger list in the first place.

_____I have friends who don't want kids. But they already have them.

_____Shaking your children is wrong. Here, shake mine instead.

_____Tell me how much you hurt so I can have something to smile about later.

_____Facebook shares are falling on the stockmarket because shareholders found out that on the website: shares, likes, and pokes are free.  (funny Facebook stock quote)

_____I just learned the hard way that Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don't mix...

_____Just want to give a big shout out to all the people giving shout outs to other people.

_____Why does Facebook think I care what music my friends are listening to on Spotify (funny Facebook status)

_____Based on my recent activity I think pushing people away is my favorite form of cardio (cardiac quote)

_____my wife asked for a smart phone like blackberry or iphone so I gave her a black-i (iPhone quote)

_____My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

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