59 Funny Quotes

_____I don't know why my armpits are so sad, but I'm just letting their tears run down the side of my body till they get over it.  (epic funny quote)

_____All the people who leave their blinkers on need to trade places with the ones who don't use their blinkers at all.  (funny inspirational status)

_____I went to the bank today to draw some money.......security guards kicked me right out......and to think......the other people were amazed by my artistic skills (awesome funny status)

_____A handsome man can make you feel pretty and seductive... Wait, that's vodka...vodka does that. (funny quotes about vodka)

_____They say you are only as old as the person you feel. Lately I have usually been feeling my own age.  (funny stupid quote)

_____Changing your profile pics... has really made it difficult in deciding my next latch hook body pillow project (great funny quote)

_____Not sure what my superpower is... but I think it's been draining my phone battery (funny quote about superpower)

_____You're 15. You're meant to feel butterflies. Not a baby kicking. (famous funny quote)

_____Tonight I shall be going out without my morals or my underwear. (famous funny status)

_____Thank you...women who eat popsicles, corn dogs, bananas, etc in public.  (epic quote)

_____Real men don't buy women..they sell them...to a pet shop.  (famous funny quote)

_____I advised my girlfriend that she'd look really cute and sexy with her hair back....which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient. (funny inspirational lines)

_____me and my right hand are not going to be in touch for a week.. Yeah.. Its ''those days of the month''  (the punch line)

_____in the fight between me and my inner demons, i bet my money on inner demons.. (funny quote about demons)

_____If you catch me saying "it's the least I can do..." you can bet it literally is the least I can do. (the funny line)

_____The problem with jogging is that the beer always sloshes out of the glass (funny quotes about jogging)

_____I just finished the last chapter of my 3rd children's book I wrote titled "You better stop fighting with eachother or y'all gonna get smacked upside your heads!" (the funny liner)

_____That moment where you've been trying to start the truck for the past five minutes and then the alarm starts going crazy and then you realize you should get the f**k out of there and try stealing an easier one.  (great famous funny facebook status)

_____Calories are tiny little creatures that live in my closet. They like to sew all my clothes tighter so I can barely fit in them. (funny calories quote)

_____Don't you just hate it when you're walking on the streets and people just stare at you............I hate it even more when I'm out there naked.........they can be so perverted! (awesome funny quote status)

_____Where there's a will...........there's always a way ............or in some cases............, five hundred relatives. (hilarious quote)

_____I was told I was going to hell for being so lazy... well I sure hope the devil sends someone to pick me up then. (witty quote)

_____This whiskey I am drinking taste like my ex wife is a b!tch (funny quote about Ex)

_____I know my ABC's A. She's always right B. I'm always wrong C. I'm gonna' get laid if I follow A and B  (famous funny lines)

_____My wife she's no longer interested in me because I'm no longer the man she married  I was so pissed I just buttoned up my dress, put on my wig and stepped out of the room!!!  (great funny status)

_____I'm SO bored! But I've never been bored to tears so I have to fake them. :'( (funny quote about tear)

_____I hate the fact that YOU and I have grown so distant. I wish I could just touch you..ONE MORE TIME. ~me to my toes (stupid funny quote)

_____As soon as I can see, hear, feel, and remember the four things that are gonna happen to me if I call my wife a b!tch... I am gonna think really hard about it. (funny quote about wife)

_____I hate being "right" ~ me, when I'm standing in a two person police lineup....and they say "the guy on the right" (the funny lines)

_____I refuse to post a status about the special Olympics, prostitutes, and catching a slow clap........ I'm no animal.. (funny quote about Olympics)

_____ The reason I never go home alone from a bar or night club, is because I always carry Bounty Paper Towels with me. They are; "The Quicker Picker Upper." (funny quote about club)

_____ I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on... though people think it looks funny....but I personally think that it makes a lovely hat. (hilarious lines)

_____ People don't get high to escape reality, They get high to get there. (funny quot about people)

_____ I floss and spit blood in a cup.. that's how I donate blood (funny quot about blood donation)

_____ I don’t remember what I was gonna say...but Im  sure it was something about weed (funny quote about weed)

_____ They told me do what ever makes you happy. Right now I'm lighting your farts on fire. (funny quotes about farts)

_____ I heard Madonna adopts black kids and Angelina Jolie adopts white kids....I'm wondering when are they gonna  start the game of baby chess. (funny Madonna Angelina quote)

_____ The never-ending wipe.. because just once is never enough. :)

_____ A recent survey proved that they never conducted any survey (funny quote about survey)

_____ What's green and stops you going to work?....Weed. (funny weed status)

_____ You can go crying about your life, but I think I am very lucky that I woke up this morning (funny quote about life)

_____ Look at that sexy guy over there in denim shorts and sandals! I wanna blow him! ~No woman, ever (funny quotes about gay)

_____ my life is sooo complicated ~ everyone says so (funny lines about life)

_____ I woke up this morning feeling blue... which coincidentally is the same name as my balls.

_____Of all the things I have lost I miss your moms phone number the most (yo mama quote)

_____There is more than one way to kill a cat but I usually run them over.

_____I have a bunch of jokes about undelivered letters, but no one ever gets them :( (funny lines)

_____I just ran over the neighbors' cat, but I left a note saying "Curiosity was here" I'm probably safe right? (epic lines)

_____My husband yelled at me for being "too controlling." Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak... (famous funny quote)

_____Violence won’t solve a thing but it totally makes you feel better! (funny quote about violence)

______30 years ago Little Red Corvette by Prince was at the top of the charts. I always wanted one and I finally have one. Not the car... I have a gay friend who is black 

_____People are freaking out cz Madonna showed her nipple during a live concert in Istanbul. I'm just f**king thankful she didn't show her pen!s  (funny quote about Madonna concert)

_____. Anyone who want to open a Joint Account with me at The Weed Bank is welcome. (weed quote)

______ You know what would be awesome? Motorcycle cops taking their arrested perps in on their bike. Yup.

______ I just killed a zombie on my port...or a Jehovah's Witness. Same thing right? (funny zombie quote)

______ I failed my chemistry exam....apparently 1000 bucks is not the right answer for what is nitrate (funny quote about exam)

______ You will never get anywhere if you don't take risks. Like in a little while I"m going to see if I can make it to the gas station before I run out of gas. (funny quote about gas)

______ My boss just yelled at me because he thinks I'm not professional. Naturally, I started crying at my desk. (famous great funny quote)

_____ I would actually wear a speedo...... but I'm self conscience about showing off too much ball cleavage......


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