61 Funny Quotes

______Never look for the fireworks in your car with a lighter.  Good new is I now have a sunroof.  (funny firework quotes)

______I forgot the rules of Fourth of July until Uncle Jimmy came flying out of the trailer with a AK-47 relieving Vietnam. (funny quotes about  4th of July)

______I went to Google and type in "Gambling" then click "I'm Feeling Lucky". (funny Google quotes)

______rip to all the good statuses that i had in my head but didnt have anything to write them down on (clever status update)

______4th of July. That one day of the year when we hand flaming torches over to our children and encourage them to run around the yard waving it at the other kids. (funny 4th of July quote status)

______It's a bit starting to realize that on some people's friends lists, I'm "the tokin Canadian". And no, I didn't misspelled token.

______Damn. I just sat on my balls. Ladies if you dont know what that feels like come on over and sit on my lap and I will show you (funny status update)

______I am standing outside so if anybody asks I'm getting tired of reading this joke so I went outside  (stupid status update)

______"Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you" ~greedy relative waiting for you to die.  (famous funny status)

______OMG!!! I have such a headache right now. Must be because I am aching for some head (hilarious status update)

______So my girlfriend asked me how we should celebrate 5 years of being together.....I replied, "how about two minutes of silence!  (great funny quote)

______I love taking a piss in the morning! I only wished I would have gotten out of bed :/  (funny piss quote)

______do u poke everyone or am i special??  (funny poke quote)

______I don't wish to brag, but my mom is perfectly capable of banging herself.  (funny brag quote)

______My Internet connection is down. You have no idea how much mental power it took to bring you this status.  (funny quote about internet)

______He put up a hell of a fight but I finally got his eyeballs glued to his leg.. Its harder than people make it sound!  (awesome funny quote)

______Well...at least the mosquitos think I'm attractive :/ (funny quote about mosquitos)

______Writing your name with sparklers is fun... Too bad I'm drunk making snow angels in this corn field. :(  (hilarious quote)

______The first rule of Bang Your Mom club is I am first  (funny yo mama joke)

______‎My nickname is Snooze because I get hit on a lot! - A really funny joke between me and my tenth margarita, as I sit here drinking alone. (funny snooze quote)

______If life gives you lemons be thankful, it could have been herpes.  (Awesome funny quotes about life)

______Listen, if I thought carefully about the content of my posts I wouldn't be posting.

______My spirit animal... could use a little more salt and pepper.

______When poking someone for the first time is 2 in the pink 1 in the stink ok or do I have to wait a while?  (funny quote about poking)

______Today my co-worker told me that I'm always flying of the handle and that my violent temper makes me really hard to get along with. So I curse her out and punched her in the face. (funny quote about coworker)

______Whenever anybody takes a picture of me I grab my crotch. I call it my piece sign  (funny pose for picture)

______I've never "bumped uglies". My junk is all pretty and stuff.  (awesome status)

______is busy making a film about short doorways. It's a duckumentary.  (funny film quotes)

______Looks like your mom got her teeth whitened. Of course most of it landed on her chin  (yo mama jokes)

______God grant me something better then serenity. (serenity quote)

______I watch the Discovery channel and I don't know what makes the wind blow but I do know that $20 does the trick with your mom (funny quote about discovery channel)

______When I'm bored I like to get high and write on other people's walls… I'm so glad Zuckerberg created facebook because now I don't have to leave home (funny quote about Mark Zukerberg)

______This young nurse at work was complaining how her mom is such a whore.....Was it wrong if I ask for her mom's number!!?......asking for a friend....  (funny whore quote)

______Just taking it all in. The alcohol, that is.  (funny quotes about alcohol)

______This is only a friendly reminder, only 165 days left till the world as we know it is over... What have you done today ? Me, I slept all day..  (funny quote about end of world)

______When I go down on a girl I just pretend that I'm playing the harmonica.......  (funny go down quotes)

______I just farted so loud at the coffee shop!!!! Thank goodness that I have my headphones on so no one could hear it..  (funny fart quote)

______I'm starting to believe that the last 30 cents of agonizing slowness are the gas stations way of punishing me for pre-paying inside rather than just using a card.  (funny quotes about gas price)

______Task of the day: start humming the Mission Impossible theme and act as if you are a secret agent.  (task of the day quote)

______Ladies, never allow a man to hit you. Cause once he starts, you will be Playing the game of "Duck, Duck, Douche" for as long as you let him.

______Just downloaded instagram! Hate to say it, but its pretty cool.. Don't EVER expect shirtless pics. (funny quotes about instagram)

______Nice guys finish last. Nice girls finish with their mouth  (funny nice girls quote)

______Has anyone seen my morals? They were loose and must've fallen off around here somewhere.  (funny morals quote)

______It's the little things in life that count. At least, that's what I tell myself every time I check my bank account balance.  (funny quotes about balance)

______You'd think that the manufacturers of men's socks would have started selling them in threes instead of pairs by now...  (funny socks quote)

______You know you have made it when your boss feels comfortable enough to fart in your presence..  (funny quote about boss)

______My name aint Fred Flintstone but you mom likes it when I Yabba-Dabba -Do her  (funny Fred Flinstone quotes)

______I'm pretty sure my whistle sinuses pretty much kill any chances I had of being a ninja  (funny ninja quote)

______Weird that they don't ever solve the mystery of a talking dog in Scooby Doo  (funny Scooby Doo status)

______I just pitched a new show American Idle which pretty much is just me sitting around doing nothing. I'll let you know how it goes.  (funny American Idle Quote)

______My ex would probably have made an incredible travel agent based on the number of guilt trips I've been on.  (funny quote about Ex)

______I think I would be more popular with the ladies if I wasn't married, bald, homely and fat. (famous funny quote)

______It's World Kiss Day... and I think I just scared the sh*t out of my co-workers dressed up like Gene Simmons! :(  (funny quote about Kiss day)

______Never hit on cute bank tellers. They know you can't afford to take them to dinner  (funny bank teller quote)

______What weapon do chemists like to use? K-Ni-Fe.  (funny chemist quote)

______Yesterday I saw a guy get hit by a parked car.

______I hate people who procrastinate... and I'm gonna do something about it.... later.  (funny procrastination quote)

______So the other day I bought a book on 'How to manage frustration'.....those pages are all stuck together. (funny quote about frustration)

______These pancakes I had for breakfast... tastes like burnt icing and melted candle wax! (candle wax quotes)

______according to my weather app, it's 15 degrees cooler in hell than it is here  (funny summer quotes)

______Went to see Magic Mike but only to read the credits...  (funny Magic Mike quotes)

______I've honked my horn three times... and this a**hole in front of me won't take his monster truck off the roof of my car! :(  (Awesome status update)


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