65 Funny Quotes

______If I dress up for you in my little French maids outfit you'd better be prepared to play dirty.... (funny outfit quotes)

______I would be really upset if you broke one of my fingers, but on the other hand I would be okay. (Awesome funny quote)

______I want to live in a Foster home...... because they probably have tons of beer there.......because Foster's is Australian for beer....... (Foster Quotes)

______Got High!!!....Ordered Pizza!!!....then forgot who was knocking at the door 45 minutes later...... (funny Facebook status)

______Hey, ugly people who wear sunglasses.......it doesn't help ! (sarcastic tweet quote)

______I'm done poking you guys.. I just can't handle the abandonment when I poke and you disappear (poke quotes)

______Visiting the optometrist can be considered a vision quest. (vision quest quote)

______If we go to war together, I'm not taking a bullet for you. But I will comfort your hot wife at your funeral, though (funny sarcastic quote status)

______Sometimes you just have to judo chop your kid when they disrespect you in public (funny Facebook status)

______If we’re going to keep socializing after we break up then I’m going to try and hit that at least once a month… (funny socialize quote)

______"Can I crash here?" is a funny thing to say after an accident. (funny things to say)

______My friends call me the Bermuda Triangle because I can make beer disappear fast (funny quotes about Bermuda Triangle)

______I always feel sorry for the person behind me at the bottle return line (famous funny status)

______If you ever need a place to stay you can always crash here....not too sure about the 'sleeping ' part though... (funny crash quote)

______My mom always told me if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all… And all this time people just thought I was shy. (funny Mom quotes)

______The first thing I do when I wake up is whip it out & start playing with it..... how else am I gonna get better at guitar? (funny quote status about guitar)

______Debate (noun) - Used to catch defish. (debate quote)

______This strip mall isn't at all what I thought it was... Well, this is embarrassing. (strip mall quote status)

______I wrote a touching autobiography. At least that's what most of it was about (funny autobiography quotes)

______You ever been so high that you had to turn down your TV 'cause you couldn't taste your food (funny getting high quote status)

______Never sniff test chloroform while holding taser. (funny precautions)

______I know we just met and this may sound crazy, but you wouldn't happen to have your missing DVD player remote would you? (funny quotes about Carly Rae Jepsen songs)

______Behind it all I'm actually quite shy which is unusual for a pole dancer (famous funny quote)

______There sure are some ugly people in this world. I wonder what it feels like to be ugly... (awesome sarcastic status)

______My colleagues at work recently told me that I am too obsessed with Superman. Well they didn't actually tell me, Super-hearing is one of my powers. (superman quote status)

______You know you're spending too much time eating at Subway when you stop calling the ladies by their first names. You just walk in and say; "Make me a sammich b!tch!" (subway quote status)

______If you think no one likes you..... well at least you're right about something. (sarcastic tweet status)

______Many people don't know about his lesser known brother, but Jack the Rapper only assaulted women with horrible lyrics and lack of rhythm (jack the Rapper quote status)

______My friend drinks her whiskey neat. I tend to spill mine after a while... (friend quote status)

______You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........we always have trouble finding shoes that fit (funny big feet quote status)

______With a north and south pole, the fact is, the whole world is bipolar. (famous bipolar quote)

______I like half of the bi-polar jokes. (bipolar tweet status quote)

______This boy just broke up with my daughter via text. I have a question, should I throw his body in a dumpster or the woods? (breakup status)

______I'm not saying I'm having a bad week, but I put the issues in tissues (funny issues)

______I'm gonna get a tattoo of an Angry Bird, right on my middle finger. (hilarious tweets statuses)

______My husband said he was going to leave me, and my daughter said she was going to run away. These thoughts are the only thing that keep me warm at night. (funny Facebook status)

______I'm about to go out today, but before I put on my makeup I put on my favorite face cream. It's called, Oil Of Ez-Lay. (getting laid tweets quote)

______I'd like to remind all men out there that it's called "Fantasy Football" as in, you should relax because none of it really matters (fantasy football quote)

______At work during break, I sometimes stand by the coffee machine and wonder if a beautiful co-worker will come by and pour coffee over herself in slow-mo. That'll be hot! (funny Facebook status ideas)

______How much longer before all of our periods sync up? (funny period tweet status)

______Umm.....apparently using the phrase "the elephant in the room" in front of a fat person does, in fact, create an elephant in the room...... (funny phrase tweets quotes)

______"GET A LIFE!!!" Ok is there an app for that? (Life quotes,awesome life tweet)

______It's simple. My fist + your face= me happy. (sarcastic tweet, status)

______I'm not saying she's a loose woman, but she makes a huge popping sound every time she gets out of her seat. (funny tweet, status, quote)

______Fun Fact: Teenagers in the 80's were not textually active. (fun facts)

______A woman with a lot of 'Booty' is a Pirates Dream. (booty quotes)

______Just so I know, How many midlife crisis's are you allowed and do they hold up in court (funy crises quotes)

______I'm not sure why but I really get along with nerds... Nerds and hookers (famous funny tweet, status, quote)

______I hate it when I'm picking my nose while I'm driving and I hit a pothole, and my finger goes all the way up (funny one liner joke)

______I find my job very rewarding. Today I whacked my boss in the face with a swivel chair and I feel great. (funny job boss tweet status)

______Don't be shy....I won't bite...well..not too hard.. (shy quotes)

______Life was much simpler when we just had rocks as pets (quotes about life)

______If am at a party and i send u a text saying "LOL",am either telling you there's lots of liquor or lots of ladies. (LOL  tweet, status quote)

______Does slipping Rohypnol into my own drink make me look desperate (funny Qs)

______Apparently, 'a one-legged, hunchbacked, lesbian dwarf with halitosis' is not the answer my boss was looking for when she asked me who the hell I thought I was talking to. (funny boss status quotes)

______I have to say.....weed and wine compliment each other beautifully.... (compliment quotes)

______If Kristen Stewart wants to issue a public apology for something, it should have been for making the twilight movies... (funny tweet, status , quotes about Kristen Stewart)

_______whenever a facebook friend shares bad news like a divorce, illness or cancer...i try to cheer them up by hitting the "like" button and commenting 'lmao'! (LMAO quotes)

______I wanted to make a joke on Kristen Stewart. But Twilight has already been made. ;) (Jokes on Kristen Stewart )

______I cant wait to start getting head...where's my coin? (funny status ideas)

______I am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. I passed up the chance to take a pic next to a toilet on the side of the road. (funny Facebook Status

______My new business venture of breeding cows never took off. I was arrested for attempted murder. (funny attempted murder quotes)

______An easy way to 'have your cake and eat it' is to buy two cakes... (funny tweet)

______I vow to make fun of you and neglect you emotionally, until death do us part.

______Only loser use the drugs... said the dyslexic person. (funny dyslexia quote status)

______I swear I'm not judgmental... I just observe any & all details, while making brutally honest comments. :)  (funny judgment quote status)

______I can't wait for all this hard work to pay off. I really hope the "fruits of my labor" include strawberries...I love strawberries. (funny labour quote status)


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