53 Funny Quotes

_____I just got an electric sandwich maker. Ok, its a remote control shock collar that I put on my wife but it works great.

_____For every person that leaves my life 2 new bottles of liquor enter my blood stream to celebrate. (funny liquor quote)

_____I only post jokes about banging your mom because I would get reported if I posted the photos (your mom quotes)

_____This water-melon tastes like I was lonely, drunk and hor** last night. (hor** quote)

_____i hate it when my date goes on saying ''i feel as if someones' watching us..''   comeon dude, i aint lame like you.. I have stalkers who love me ;-) (funny stalker quote)

_____Have you ever looked at a car & wonder what it would look like as a giant Robot?.....yeah me neither

_____I tried proposing to my Boyfriend once... When I look back now, I think it all went wrong when I got down on my knees.

_____You can tell a lot about a woman by her hair color. Yours says you are Nice N Easy

_____I just looked at my most recent ex & thought: Did I really like THAT? ..did I have a stroke then get well and nobody told me

_____She licked her thumb before handing me the paper. Now I'm hoping my story inspires other victims to come forward.

_____Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many  partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep

_____While waiting at traffic lights, I lick out my tongue and make funny faces at people that way not a minute was wasted. (funny traffic lights quote status)

_____Wishes i could get back all the minutes of my life wasted on long traffic lights (funny traffic lights quote status)

_____This is the second time this week that I've misplaced my keys...I really should keep a better eye on my cocaine..

_____My mate doesn't drink alcohol anymore .I think the turning point was probably last Tuesday when he died!!!

_____I thought about chasing after you, but I'm probably not good enough to catch you :( ~ In Security Guards

_____I know your not a mind-reader, because we would have never started talking if that was the case.

_____Love how my autocorrect spells Hung with a capital H. It apparently knows where my priorities are.

_____Y'all will be happy to know that I haven't lost my britches in 30 day's now.

_____My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious...  So I threw her into a Volcano.

_____When someone asks me "Is it hot enough for you" I like to put my hand down my pants and say "not yet"

_____I was born in the 70's.......which means the Doctor probably needed to use a weed whacker to get me out!

­­_____I am giving away a deaf genie, a 10 inch Bic and a million Ducks if anyone wants them

_____Had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home

_____please keep refrigerated ~ cool statuses

_____My statuses make sense, if you don't read them.

_____It's all about perspective. Think about it... the sinking of the Titanic for example... to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen, it was a tale of Freedom. (funny titanic quote)

_____I failed in my drawing exam today..Apparently "Grip" is not the right answer for "What is the difference between Purple and Pink?".

_____I want to write a book explaining the difference between Procreation and Procrastination. F**k it I will do it later

_____So I saw a sign at the local pub which said 'Watch Football Live Here' so I carried a mattress and a blanket ...but after a match they kicked me out. (funny football quote status)

_____First rule of fight club is.. Hey who farted? (fart quote status)

_____Back to my family site where I am treated with disrespect. It's better than being ignored!

_____ Being a "nice" person hasn't improved my life, my job status or the amount of money I have in the bank. So all you people who don't like my statuses...."suck my d**k and die!"

_____Fellas, when you feel down, just think about the fact that you have a urine pistol attached to you. Go piss on shit you beautiful bastards.

_____I bet the guys in Kriss Kross developed a strong bond through having to button up each other's shirts.

_____ Mark Zuckerberg got married? I thought there was a ban on gay marriage (funny Mark Zuckerberg marriage quote)

_____ If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

_____ Kids really aren't so bad if you rip out their vocal chords and break their kneecaps with a baseball bat.

_____ Mark Zuckerberg got married...I wonder if he lost his virginity on the wedding night? (funny Mark Zuckerberg wedding quote status)

_____ I almost shit myself when my roommate told me that I overreact.

_____ Now, I'm not saying my ex girlfriend is a fat ugly b!t*h... I'm  typing it.

_____ I've got a million dollar idea...ask one million people for a dollar (funny idea)

_____ I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.

_____ Zuckerberg got married yesterday. I hope when they get divorced... she takes half of the a**holes on my friends list with her! (Funny Mark Zuckerberg marriage quote status)

_____ Lif is really too short.

_____ I don't understand why your dog gives me a dirty look when I go shit in his yard.

______ If life starts at conception, my novel is already in paperback.

_____ "Well... that could have gone better..." - Me, five minutes after everything, everywhere, with everyone, every bloody time.

_____ The f**ks that I don't give are now available in extra-large. Hurry while stocks last.

_____ 'Off' seems to be an appropriate description for the kind of pissed I've been all day.

_____ I hate it when people say 'dot the i's and cross the t's'. How the f**k am I supposed to know which is which?

_____ If you can recognize your girl from the back of their head... then you're doing them right! ;)

_____ Does this vomit on my shirt make me look like I can't drink anymore?


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