_______I always knew I had something special that attracts women towards others men
_______I correct your spelling in my head while you're talking.
_______"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." ~ people who have never seen a jumping spider probably
_______I almost made it the entire day without washing my hair under the Slurpee machine at 7-11.
_______Every year my clothes seem to shrink while simply hanging in the closet.
_______Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
_______I reckon I must have said ''I don't give a f**k'' in my head at least twenty times today.
_______Marriage is like this post... which is also stupid.
_______You certainly seem to have an inordinate amount of drama in your life for a person who spends 15 hours a day on Facebook....
_______If I have learned anything from personal experience, it's that I haven't learned anything from personal experience.
_______If I had known that the carhops at Sonic could skate that fast I would have never stolen my lunch!
_______I'm sorry I ate your Packers cheesehead hat... I think it's pretty self explanatory.
_______Now I totally get it Doors. Break on through to the other side was about single ply toilet paper right
_______Girl you gotta be a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls...cause you make me wanna bang you on the counter
_______The best part to being unemployed is getting to hangout with all of the senior citizens doing cross word puzzles at McDonald's in the morning.
_______Catch a grenade for you? Step in front of a train for you? Bruno Mars isn't being romantic.He is showing signs of being suicidal.
_______If anyone tells you that you put too much Parmesan cheese on your pasta, ignore them. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life.
_______Me and my girlfriend had an argument last night when I dropped an ice cube and kicked it under the icebox. Now things are OK because it's just water under the fridge.
_______Have I told you about this incident where I am awesome and everyone else is a b!tch? ~ how a lot of people should start describing their stories!
_______It's like no one cares that I spent all weekend making a Lincoln Log house out of dried up dog poop.
_______I plead the 5th..... For you. I'm begging you to just shut up!
_______You know, you can tell me anything, I never listen to you anyway so it won't make any difference what you say.
_______I'm a member of an Asian gang... or more commonly known as...a study group.
_______Whenever my kids drink out of my water bottle, I never look at it the same again.
_______This one time, I spent like eighteen hours watching a fly putting in contact lenses.
_______I wonder is it possible to be orgasmed to death...
_______I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.
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