26 Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Clever Facebook Statuses

_______I always knew I had something special that attracts women towards others men

_______I correct your spelling in my head while you're talking.

_______"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." ~ people who have never seen a jumping spider probably

_______I almost made it the entire day without washing my hair under the Slurpee machine at 7-11.

_______Every year my clothes seem to shrink while simply hanging in the closet.

_______Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.

_______I reckon I must have said ''I don't give a f**k'' in my head at least twenty times today.

_______Marriage is like this post... which is also stupid.

_______You certainly seem to have an inordinate amount of drama in your life for a person who spends 15 hours a day on Facebook....

_______If I have learned anything from personal experience, it's that I haven't learned anything from personal experience.

_______If I had known that the carhops at Sonic could skate that fast I would have never stolen my lunch!

_______I'm sorry I ate your Packers cheesehead hat... I think it's pretty self explanatory.

_______Now I totally get it Doors. Break on through to the other side was about single ply toilet paper right

_______Girl you gotta be a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls...cause you make me wanna bang you on the counter

_______The best part to being unemployed is getting to hangout with all of the senior citizens doing cross word puzzles at McDonald's in the morning.

_______Catch a grenade for you? Step in front of a train for you? Bruno Mars isn't being romantic.He is showing signs of being suicidal.

_______If anyone tells you that you put too much Parmesan cheese on your pasta, ignore them. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life.

_______Me and my girlfriend had an argument last night when I dropped an ice cube and kicked it under the icebox. Now things are OK because it's just water under the fridge.

_______Have I told you about this incident where I am awesome and everyone else is a b!tch?   ~ how a lot of people should start describing their stories!

_______It's like no one cares that I spent all weekend making a Lincoln Log house out of dried up dog poop.

_______I plead the 5th..... For you. I'm begging you to just shut up!

_______You know, you can tell me anything, I never listen to you anyway so it won't make any difference what you say.

_______I'm a member of an Asian gang... or more commonly known as...a study group.

_______Whenever my kids drink out of my water bottle, I never look at it the same again.

_______This one time, I spent like eighteen hours watching a fly putting in contact lenses.

_______I wonder is it possible to be orgasmed to death...

_______I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

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23 Funny, Witty, Clever and Hilariously Epic Facebook Statuses

_______Just had to take the walk of shame... I'm now regretting having worn these f**king flip flops.

_______Whenever I hear a rap artist say "Do you know what time it is?"... deep inside I don't, but I act like I do.

_______Girl scout cookies make you fat, Thats why I just eat the thin mints.

_______The morning after pill.....is actually made of crushed up coat hangers......

_______You remember when you were little, how you used to pop the heads off the dandelions? (you know you did that)..... I wish I could do that to some people today.

_______My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god Herpes today in school...guess I should cross Harvard off of potential schools.

_______You know times are hard when daylight wants to borrow an hour on credit and pay it back 8 months later.

_______This would have been a good day to be a dog. I saw several butts I would like to have sniffed.

_______Whenever I visit someone in a hospital I always bring them fruit, fluff their pillows and steal their meds.

_______‎"Your grammar is perfect, your logic is flawless and I enjoy exclusively to thoughts of you"... an example of a perfect comment I've yet to receive....

_______I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

_______i guess i'm not so ready for a zombie apocalypse after all i just freaked out cause there was a spider really close to my chair

_______Through Facebook profile pictures I learned that many of the people I went to school with have morphed into cats, fish and cars.

_______I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached.

_______ When writing, lok out for lipography.

_______If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch.

_______Don't just assume anything...unless it's the position.

_______I'm looking for a strong, good man with naughty thoughts who's willing to get his hands dirty.... currently taking applications ....

_______I signed up for one of those online instant muscle building courses and sure enough in no time I was ripped...  ...off.

_______Don't get mad at me for peeing in your pool. I'm pretreating the jellyfish stings...oh...you have no jellyfish well how would I know that?

_______I just saw a cute old man struggling to get his suitcase on the elevator. I had to take the f**kin' stairs because that shit was taking forever.

_______Aaarghhh !!! every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place...Im sick of it....also I need glasses.

_______Not to be nitpicky, but for the sake of accuracy, your stupid inspirational Helen Keller quotes should probably include a f**k ton of typos.

_______ If you own one pair of Crocs... you own too many Crocs.

_______Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

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22 Funny Witty Hilarious and clever Facebook Status Updates

_______This one time... I curled my hair for like nine hours until I realized I was bald.

_______I have the madness all year round, not just March.

_______In a strange turn of events, my homework just ate my dog.

_______I don't always drink milf, but when I do it squirts all over me.

_______Nicki Minaj fired her makeup artist. So, if you've ever dreamed of loading blush, foundation and eyeliner into a cannon and firing it from point-blank range, have I got a job for you!

_______Sitting around with your thumb up your a$$ is a cute little sarcastic saying until it becomes your idea of a romantic evening.

_______That’s funny, my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I'm on my way home.

_______Excuse me Ma'am, I think that red nail polish you have in your front pocket, is open. You're welcome.

_______A woman got on the elevator, and said, "Going down." So naturally I started to unbuckle my pants. Apparently, that's not what she meant. She wanted me to push the button for the basement.

_______When people tell me they stopped drinking. My response is always, "Sorry to hear that."

_______I don't smoke, so every 45 min. I ask for a phone break. Fair is fair!

_______‎"Good things come to those who wait."  I call Bullshit! I've been sitting on this couch for 2 years and I still haven't found a job!

_______Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.

_______Self medication ..the reason for my happiness..

_______After all that we've been through together, the least you could do is f**k off....

_______They say that playing an instrument fosters the mind of a gifted child .. and I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at playing the spoons.

_______Women are the foundation of our society; Every foundation has to be laid...

_______In honor of International Women Day, I am going to give every woman I can a pearl necklace tomorrow, because they deserve it.

_______You know you're growing up when you stop clubbin and start pub'in. :/

_______My old lady just slapped me so hard, I thought I went blind at first. I quickly realized when she slapped me a second time, it was the Clappers that I installed all over the house.

_______This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.

_______going in for a colonoscopy soon,not that i need one,but i have looked everywhere else for the guest tv remote and it is a free exam since i turned 50 recently.

_______Sometimes I like to do amazing nice things for crappy, ungrateful people... because it pisses them off.

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20 New Funny Witty Hilarious and Clever Facebook Statuses

______Hey if someone ever tells you your 1 in a million that's pretty good cause that means everyone else around you is a zero!

______End all wars, diseases, cancer and other misfortunes by simply " liking" that Facebook page.... (funny Facebook statuses)

 ______If he slaps me at dinner, I'd punch the shit out of him. If he slaps me when we're f**king, I'd smile and tell him to go harder. Timing is everything... (best funny status)

 ______ Single? Find a dead bird & give it mouth to mouth..... When a girl walks by yell "No damn it!" and punch the table......B!tches love a sensitive man.... (best funny status)

 _______You win today, door I pulled that says "Push"........ but we'll meet again... (funny door status)

_______Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?


______Every dinner can be a candle lit dinner if you don’t pay your electric bill (funny candle light dinner status)

 ______Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash (funny cops status)

 _______The heart of rock and roll has stopped beating. Sorry. I just wanted to be the first one to post it in case Huey Lewis dies today

 _______If pirates would've worn eye patches on both eyes to begin with... that stupid parrot on their shoulder wouldn't eat their eye balls out. (funny pirate status)

 _______It is sad and absoluely astownding how many people just don't know how to spell or use proper grammar. It's like they don't got no cents. (funny grammar status)

 _______I feel sorry for ham, if it would of tried harder it could of been bacon (funny bacon status)

 _______Pretty sure that high pitch ring in your ear that happens from time to time... is just a dog in a parallel universe blowing a human whistle.

 _______I wish people would stop making fun of me for being fat. I have enough on my plate as it is. (funny fat status)

 _______Can I just get a relationship status that says I'm awesome and attract a lot of shit. (funny relationship status)

 _______If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself. ...which is why like my own statuses.  (best funny Facebook status)

_______I have spent the last 6 months at work trying to balance my chair on two legs for more than 3 minutes at a time (funny work status)

 _______I ordered an omelette for lunch today. They asked if I wanted a three egg or five egg omelette. I said, "I don't like to count my chickens before they hatch." (funny stupid status)

 _______If I ever went into the military I'd probably legally change my last name to Obvious so that one day I really could be Captain Obvious. (funny military status)

 _______Old creepers at the bar should come with a Benny Hill theme. (bar status)

_______I just deleted my "Weather Network" app because, Facebook..... (funny weather status)

  _______Identical twins are just a time travel experiment gone horribly wrong. (funny status about identical twins)

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