21 New Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Clever Facebook Status Updates

_______ Why do we get that mini heart attack feeling when we leave to work without our phones???? we made it through the 80s and the 80s rocked.

_______I am so stoked. Some hot sexy guy said he was going to come over on February 29th. I can't wait. That is like tomorrow, right?
_______It's not over till the fat lady puts all your bags on the pavement and changes the locks and files a restraining order.
_______The best part of breaking up is using a grenade as a s*x toy one last time, pulling the pin, and running away, and watching her blow up
_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but will you wipe my a**? I'm too lazy
_______My college mascot was basically just some n*de dude laying on a ping pong table slamming a beer bong.
_______I am SO High on life!! And this white powder smells AMAZING!!!
_______Good new is that my test came back negative! The bad new is that it was an IQ test...
_______I hate when someone calls me a "Son of a B!tch." Its like, have some respect, people. Just say "Your Mom is a B!tch." And leave me out of it
_______I've an alcohol problem, in that I can't afford any.
_______I think something ought to be done about all these passive smokers freeloading my secondhand smoke

_______Ever since I turned 40, I get really nervous when I see anyone putting on rubber gloves.
_______I'd like to give a big shout out to back-up BBQ Lighters for always being there for me when my regular lighter goes out.
_______Sometimes I run into strangers...and after holding them tight I make a fake call saying ''Mission Accomplished Boss".
_______I would post absolute brilliance but I understand my audience....
_______Ever since i got married , I wish real world conversations had a 140 character limit…
_______I wish dogs could talk.. Then we'd hear about all the weird freaky shit you fuckers do when nobody's around.
_______This guy sitting next to me says the smoke from my cigarette is bothering him....so I'm like... Hey mofo.... it's killing me but I'm not bitching about it.
_______You're not my first so don't flatter yourself. I've hated lots of people just as much as I hate you.
_______I'm at my most Oscar worthy when acting like I don't see someone I sort of know but definitely don't want to interact with.
_______Just mistook Kelly Clarkson for Justin Bieber on song pop. That won't happen again once he hits puberty and his voice changes.
_______Mmmmmm.... My toothbrush tastes like the kids cleaned the toilet again. Little bastards.
_______Just tried to poke an email. I may need help.
_______Careful what you ask for "ladies", I asked my husband if tonight, he thought he could make me scream with only two fingers ..... He poked me in the friggin eyes
_______Has anyone told you how extremely f**kalicious you look today ??

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10 Funny Facebook Statuses

_______the world is a dangerous place...2 minutes ago I punched a guy for no reason (funny status about world)
_______When I die Please carve the word Modest on my statue... (funny modest status)
_______Rather than apologise to people I insult or offend, I tend to drop a large, heavy iron box, complete with a door and a combination lock, on to their heads from a height. Because, apparently, better safe than sorry.  (funny stupid status)
_______If someone offers you drugs, just say no .... . and keep saying no. That way you'll get the price right down...  (funny drug status)
_______Guys, just because you're "mechanically inclined" doesn't mean you know how to use your tool... (funny status about guys)
_______Don't think of me as a peeping tom. Its more like security you don't have to pay for... (funny stalking status)
_______I hate when people say You know what I mean. I want to poke them in the eye with a stick. You know what I mean?  (funny hate status)
_______Did you ever have one of those days where you just want to punch someone in the face? Well punching someone in the face makes it all better
_______This government is always whining about Energy Saving.... last night I tried saving some by turning off my lights... I ran over a pedestrian  (funny status about govt)

_______I call bullsh!t on you McDonald's...I ate 4 of these damn happy meals and I'm still just as sad. (funny status about McDonald's)
_______SO I saw the new iPhone 5 today. You're telling me you're upgrading from the iPhone 4 just for an extra inch?? I hope your girlfriend doesn't think the same way. ;)  (funny status about iPhone)

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75 Funny Quotes

_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.  (funny women quotes)

_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed.  (funny inspirational quote)

_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire.  (funny love quotes)

_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar sh!t-monster peppered with motherf**king profanity?  (best funny quotes status ever)

_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (funny heart quotes)

_______I'm well known for my ability to not finish the things that I begin. In fact, I'm so good th  (funny ability status)

_______"What's the worst that could happen?" - What I'm guessing my last words will be (funny last words)
_______I am not trying to save the planet but could you please use less hot water when you shower? The steam is fogging up the lens of the camera I installed  (funny stalker)

_______The first time I met you, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my money with.  (funny loving quote)

_______They say you need to intake lots of water to stay alive but the body floating in my pool disagrees (funny sci-fi quotes)

_______Bet you can't guess what I'm doing tonight. Here's a hint... it begins with G and ends with 'ettingcompletelyfuckingwasted'.  (funny bored quotes)

_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but lets go drinking its black Friday baby (funny black Friday quotes)

_______My internet's been down for over 10 hours now. But on the plus side, I've just discovered my right hand can be used as a cup holder. (internet addiction quote)

_______STRESS: The inner conflict that occurs when the "voice of reason" over-rides urgent desire of wanting to strangle the living sh!t out of some a**hole who desperately needs it! (funny stress quotes)

_______My boss called me Stupid this morning. I gotta say, I was a little insulted. Been working for the man for 3 years and he still doesn't know my name (funny boss insulting quote)

_______One more time you call me a freak, and I'll take my gun out, and stab you with my knife till you choke out 'cause of the rope around your neck and eventually get drowned in pool. (freaking quote)

_______To help reduce cost this quote was typed in China  (made in china quote)

_______I don't charge you to read my statuses so feel FREE to like them

_______After not being able to sleep at very well at night I am thankful for my naps at work (work nap quote status)

_______Was thinking about shoving a beer can up a chicken's a** but that's a waste of beer.

_______You say you hate the way you look. After viewing the 683 photos you posted of your face so do I (sarcastic quote)

_______I have been called a lot of things in my life but a nice guy isn't one of them (life facts quote)

_______I sure would like to know who that mysterious photographer is that keeps taken pictures of people holding their phones up by their face. (funny self photographer quote)

_______The duration of my bowel movement is based on how interesting my news feed is (funny newsfeed quote)

_______Just for the record, each and every Quote I post here is my own original. Which should explain why they're not funny.

_______Whoever quoted,  'Never say never', said it twice in a sentence. (never say never quote)

_______That's the last time I got caught sleeping with a girl...I'm never gonna attend History class ever. (funny history quote status)

_______Kids are lucky these days.... Back when I was a kid, I had to walk to a girls house to "poke" her!  (funny poke quote)

_______‎Objection! Thats allegedly killed the cat your honor ~ Curiositys lawyer (curiosity killed the cat quote)

_______Yes, I exercise...I exercise my right not to exercise. (exercise quote)

_______Ate too many apples and now I can't find a doctor.

_______I'm like a hero or something. I disarmed a gunman today...well it was my nephew, and it was a water gun, and why the hell is he crying, doesn't he know I"m a hero?

_______You must have missed mentioning it on your 'about me' section, that you are an a**hole. (sarcastic insulting quote)

_______Just for the record - When in court accused of indecent exposure, 'There's no business like show business' is not considered to be a suitable line of defense. (funny self defense quote)

_______I really want to ask this girl that I like on a date but I am afraid that if I crawl out from under her bed I will scare her (stalker status)

_______So I connected a New mouse in my computer today and it said "Found Human interface". No you Idiot... IT'S A MOUSE!!! (funny tech quotes)

_______For those who are dyslexic, today is Friday the 13th (dyslexic quotes)

_______Ok I am confused. The girl at the end of the bar only has one eye and I can't tell if she is winking and blinking (confused quotes)

_______For now on...whenever any of my friends invite me to their kids B-Day parties, I'm going to gift wrap empty boxes, cuz I know for damn sure they're not teaching them about life's disappointments! (funny birthday status)

_______When it come to exercise, the only running I do lately is running out of money. Doesn't make my gut disappear but my bank account looks smaller. (funny money shortage quote status)

_______As I get older, the longer I look at what I drop and wonder if it's worth bending over to pick up.......Anyways......my wife is pissed!  (pissed quotes)

_______Sometimes I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something. (fat  quotes)

_______She posted her status "Life is a bitch"...I commented "You're my Life" (life quotes)

_______Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.  (hangover quotes)

_______You'd be prettier if you grew your hair really long and wrapped it over your face several times and hung yourself with it (sarcastic insulting punchline)

_______A guy can drop his pants and show his junk, people will just walk away fast, but when a woman pulls up her skirt and shows her stuff....people will stand and stare. (double standard quote)

_______Everything was better in the good old days. For example, 5 days ago, it was Friday (friday quote)

_______I just realized it's not a good idea to sneeze when facing directly in front of a fan, while it's on high. That is all (funny sneezing idea)

_______My one regret is that I never learned how to fly a plane, but I can live with that. Just as long as my passengers on this Boeing 787 never find out.  (funny regret quote)

_______ went from 'being in a relationship' to 'stopped believing in imaginary girlfriends' (imaginary girlfriend quote)

_______As soon as find this Wisdom person... I'm going to give them some words of my own! (funny words of wisdom)

_______Hey people that say "Just saying", you should probably stop that... just saying. 

_______I've finally met a lady that "tugs on my heart strings". But I've decided not to tell the heart surgeon this....until she sews me up! (funny heart quotes)

_______My Girlfriend wouldn't go hiking with me because she doesn't exist (funny girlfriend quote)

_______Restaurant said "No sleeveless shirts". I have the right to bare arms.

_______If falling asleep at work is wrong.....I don't wanna be caught. (funny nap at work quote)

_______Some days I sit around and think about how great it would be to be married again...and then I laugh and laugh and laugh because I'm such a kidder.

_______I sneeze a lot just to find out which of my friends are religious. 

_______I dont care what women say,size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around (best funny quote)

_______Unfortunately I think I've reached a point in my life where the word "frisky" only refers to my cat's food :(

_______Wish they made glad press n seal for lips so i could make you stfu! (STFU quotes)

_______"you make me feel like a wrestler. Can I body slam you?" is not a good pick up line. (funny pickup line)

_______I was talking to this girl at the beach today. She asked me if I was the type of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Hello...I have no shirt on. What sleeves...don't be stupid.  (funny heart status)

_______OK I have made plenty so I could probably be a millionaire if I could just find these people that wanna "pay for your mistakes." (funny mistake quotes)

_______Finally I joined a Gym..its a page on Facebook..I feel so fit n fine. (funny facebook status)

_______I saw this woman staring me down in the supermarket today!!! I don't know if she was attracted to me or just amazed by how ugly I am!  (funny confusion )

_______I hate when people think they're better than other people. I never do that. I'm better than those people. (superiority complex quote)

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38 Funny Quotes

_____I am just a guy standing in front of a girl and asking her to 'Move b***h get out the way'
_____What you people won't do for a "Like" around here . . . If ya all don't like this status you can all kiss my a**!! (funny like)
_____I haven't won any big event today yet the world keeps dumping a giant cooler full of icy haterade down my back... (funny event)
_____I love women and I'm totally against disrespecting them. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends. Go on.. Ask those b***hes!! (funny ex quote)
_____Not everything I post on this page is a joke..some things are serious...for instance...when I say your mom is a whore!! (funny whore quote status)
_____Its getting a bit late....I'm thinking it's about time you close your windows so I can go to my bed!! (funny stalker)
_____If it walks like a duck, acts like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... Then it must be a duck. Same proverb works for sluts too...
_____I know I have been on Facebook for way to long now, I just received an e-mail and instead of looking for the "Reply" button, I found myself looking for a "Like" button. :-/  (funny Facebooking)
_____Yesterday I told a friend to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then hugged her children. (funny mistakes)
_____she says "We just need to be friends", so I said, "What good is a friend if there is no benefits?" (friends with benefits)
_____That awkward moment when I tell you to f**k off when you are telling me one of your awkward moments joke! (funny awkward moment quote status)
_____I hate discrimination. That's why I hate everyone equally. (funny discrimination quote)
_____I ought to stab each one of you for not wishing me Happy Birthday today!!! But I won't, since it isn't my birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____Me: hey beautiful do you have a boyfriend           She: no I don't         Me: I don't either we have so much in common, maybe we should hook up!!
_____My ex called me “selfish” this morning….which brought me to the realization….that he was NOT EVEN considering how that might make me feel
_____if you can't write totally and have to shorten it to "totes" you are just giving me one more reason to put my foot up your a**. All the way up your a**, because I don't abbreviate. (funny abbreviation quote)
_____see.. i'm not just a funny sexy intelligent interesting and overall awesome guy.. I'm also modest.... wait what were we talking about (funny modesty quote status)
_____It's not that you always piss me off but sometimes I just wish I could shove an umbrella up your a** and then open it! (funny piss off quote)
_____My therapist told me he has never met anyone like me before. I am still trying to figure out if this is a compliment or an insult. (funny therapist quote)
_____Well I started talking to this girl more than 10 minutes ago and she hasn't slapped me or freaked out.....I hope she's OK with the names I picked out for our kids (funny stalker quote)
_____They say the best thing to do to a woman is to make her laugh,i'd feel better if she laughed after i actually spoke. (funny laugh out quote)
_____I have some friends who don't have a Facebook profile. We have nothing to talk about.
_____I hate when I like your status, then I copy and paste it into Google and find out that you copied and pasted it from Twitter. Then I have to go back and unlike your status cuz you're a idiot.
_____This coffee is not doing its job today. Maybe I should have used Red Bull instead of water. (funny red bull quote)
_____I don't know if it's the shock treatments, intensive psychotherapy or antidepressants but I had an awesome day today!! (funny awesome day)
_____I put all my eggs in one basket because I need the other hand for high fiving. (funny high five quote status)
_____When I find myself liking 10 statuses in a row I stop and think..are these statuses really that funny or is this just one of those moments when I have a low tolerance for humor (humor quote status)
_____you know when you walk into a room and you forget why you went in there?? ok I just forgot where I was going with this joke
_____I'm helping my boy with his algebra homework... this sh*t is difficult... I fell asleep twice... I'm about to just say f**k it! (funny algebra quote)
_____If there is one thing I'm good at it's not being able to discover my talents
_____Life is too short, money is too short, lunch breaks are too short, good tv shows are too short, good conversations are too short, good books are too short, I'm too short, good t...... Hey, all good things are too short!
_____the sun is shining, the weather is sweet, makes me want to kick your a**, with my bare feet
_____I really hope no one thinks my jokes are offensive. Its bad enough no one thinks they're funny
_____So that lady in the elevator feels comfortable enough to tell me I smell like smoke…and yet…she acts TOTALLY offended when I asked if her perfume was called “Obesity”
_____I keep hearing a little voice that says get off FB and get to work.I try to ignore it but then my boss just says it louder
_____If you're thinking I've lost interest in what you have to say, I can assure you I was never interested at all. (funny offensive quote status)
_____"You look incredibly meretricious today" is how I like to compliment ladies who don't have a dictionary handy.
_____my computer can beat me at chess but he was no match for me in original statuses
_____I decided to sit down and make a list of all the things I like about you: 1. nothing

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37 Funny Quotes

_____Isn't it weird how much smarter you were when you were younger? When I was young, I knew every thing. Now I don't know shit.
_____I have made up my mind that if I do hit the Lottery tonight I am gonna spend half of my winnings on Liquor and Whores. The other half I will just blow. (funny lotto)
_____Sometimes, doing the right thing is next to impossible. When that happens, I say "burn it down" and lie my way out of it!
_____I Played hide and seek with the kids at the Park a couple of hours ago. They finally found me....at home in my bed under the blankets. (funny hide and seek)
_____So many of you should be very thankful that I haven't mastered the art of total mind domination... . . . . . . yet!
_____‎The proper words that best describe you would be vinegar sac, yep I just called you a douche bag but in a fancy way!
_____I was wondering to myself, what exactly is life all about? Why do we have to live to fight another day? Then I realised that..... I have to go to work tomorrow so I went back to bed. (funny Life quote)
_____99% we have our rights....1% how 'bout you shut the F@*K up!
_____This is just a small "token" of my appreciation.~ Me tipping my waitress at Chuck-E-Cheese.......... with a token.
_____I have the best neighbor in the world, he lets me use all his stuff when he's not home and acts like he knows nothing about it.
_____Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.
_____Like most of your statuses I really don't 'like' you!!!
_____Sometimes I just wanna..stop..look at you..ask you what the hell is wrong with you..then punch you right straight dead in the face..then laugh and walk away!
_____I'm not stalking. I'm concerned....all the time....about all things in your life. (funny stalking)
_____Whoever said “Cheaters NEVER prosper”…CLEARLY never read the definition of “prosper”…and ALSO….likely never had the opportunity to cheat…. (funny cheater quote)
_____I'm going to the dentist later. I gotta try to be nicer to him, I don't wanna hurt his fillings (funny dentist quote)
_____Here is the good news one of us is not stupid and I'm sure its me.(funny stupid)
_____ If your father pokes me one more time on Facebook, I'm changing my relationship status. (funny poke)
_____Wait a minute... what? Your only 27? You don't even look that old, and here I was thinking you were 6.
_____The difference between peoples thoughts here is that some are so funny you could shit. ...others are just shitty.
_____My little 10 year old cousin just broke up with his girlfriend. Poor guy lost half of his coloring pencils.
_____REAL men can wear pink….but they don’t…because everyone knows that is just gay
_____I am so running out of ideas. I think I am going to win this marathon. (funny marathon)
_____Some people will never lern. And I don't care if I spelled that wrong.
_____Monday is a very busy day for me. First I'm going to do nothing till noon. Then I will leave at 2 pm to do some more of nothing, I come back at 5, relax for a while maybe watch some telly and then it's back to doing nothing. How's that for a hectic monday??? (funny monday)
_____The only difference between myself and a thin person is willpower. Thin people don't have the willpower to eat as much as I do. (funny Willpower Quote)
_____I never say bad things about good people, those assholes don't deserve to be talked about!
_____How to rob a bank. Tip #1  Walk into the bank. (funny robbery)
_____I‎'m actually a skilled mind-reader.  I know what you're thinking.  Your thinking:You don't believe me
_____good night, sleep tight. Because no one likes a loose sleeper (funny goodnight wish)
_____Do you copy what Im saying... or should I paste for you? (funny fb copy/paste)
_____Another cool thing thing about this Timeline is, I was looking at old comments and found friends that had deleted me without my knowledge. Now I know whose houses to set on fire. (funny timeline status quote)
_____Sleeping with boxing gloves tonight cause I know I'm going to wake up and get into a fight with my alarm clock in the morning. *Ding ding...K.O. (funny good morning)
_____My boss just told me he doesn't pay me post on FB all day. Well if he did my check would be bigger
_____Usually my first or second posts are test cases, if I dont catch enough "likes", the boat goes back to the dock (funny Facebook status quote)
_____Whenever I'm feeling down I always remember to stop and piss on my neighbor's roses...then I feel better. (funny flower quote)
_____So..guys, tell the truth..are you more likely to "like" a female's status if you think she's hot? (funny question)

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