68 Funny Quotes

_______I don't have many enemies, except autocorrect...That b!tch seems to hate me. (funny autocorrect quote)

_______You know you are getting old when you fall asleep in the closet waiting to scare someone. (funny old age quote)

_______I think I need to start doing some Push-ups...when I say Push-Ups, I mean the orange ice cream kind. (funny push up quote)

_______I believe world peace could possibly be achieved if they would put the damn toys back in cereal. (funny peace quotes)

_______I honestly didn't think it was that bad, but when I left the bathroom, both the dogs were growling at me. (funny Facebook status update , funny tweet)

_______Whenever I'm going anywhere, I always purposely try to get there late..................u knw.......... just to make that grand appearance! (funny pride quotes)

_______I recently switched to an all-in-one shampoo/conditioner, because I needed some room on my shower caddy for my beer. (funny beer quotes)

_______Just seen the hot chick from my building at the supermarket and she said, "We have to stop meeting like this!" Apparently, she doesn't know the meaning of stalking... (funny stalking quote)

_______Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and now we just started a game of counting fools. (funny fool quote)

_______Hey....chill...there's no need to fight over me, I'm a very generous girl.... (funny generous quote)

_______My friend says I always believe everything I'm told.   She's probably right. (famous funny quote)

_______Honestly, I TRULY don't know what post you will make next, I'm just stalking. (funny stalking status)

_______Isn't losing at LOTTO bad enough with out the scanning machine tell you " NOT A WINNER " (funny lotto quote)

_______You're so skinny you've got a gluteus minimus. (funny skinny quotes)

_______I'm calculating pi. No, wait, that's not right. I'm Contemplating Pie. Yea, that's it! (funny pie quote)

_______As soon as I heard the words “Now help Jack off the horse” was it then did I realize being a rodeo clown wasn’t the career choice for me! (funny clown quote)

_______My book on female gymnastics is gonna be called "Land on my face."  I know... I know. (funny gymnastic quote)

_______Whoever said cats have 9 lives owes my neighbor a new cat. (funny cats quotes)

_______I got a basket on the handle bars, a card in the spoke and a banana seat on my bike........yeah, that's the way I roll. (funny hilarious quote)

_______Wife and I just got into a heated argument... I say cook the pizza at 425°F for 19 minutes, and she says to cook it at 33 minutes at 350°F. (funny wife quotes)

________I put Tabasco sauce on EVERYTHING I eat and my neighbors wife just found out the hard way (funny sauce quote)

________For some people "stretch" on the label on jeans is a personal challenge. (funny fat quote)

________Act your physical age if your mental age is too low.... (famous funniest quote ever)

________Facebook users: Save your friends the effort of looking out the window, by posting the weather forecast. (hilarious Facebook status update)

________During a heated argument, my boyfriend told me to "relax," which just infuriated me even more and now he's dead. (funny boyfriend quotes)

________If you are asking for my birth date, it means either you want to know my age OR you want to know when I left giving a damn. (funny birth date quote)

________I'm not saying you should be a whore, but it wouldn't hurt for you to swallow every once and a while. (funny sarcastic quote)

________'Just in case.. And we probably still won't help' – insurance (funny insurance quotes)

________Apparently my floating device was inappropriate for a public pool....The thrill that cop got from popping my blow-up doll was saddening (funny cop status update)

________On the taxi ride to work this morning, i thought of one thing, how am i going to finish this last beer and still show up sober (funny beer sober quote)

________A fast way to earn your place in the single life is when the wife and the girlfriend work at the same job and they both have a picture of you on their desk (funny wife girlfriend life quote)

________Just want to let you know I 'liked' YOUR post alot more before you posted it. (funny stalking status update)

________No I was serious, I really don't want to join YOUR request for MyCalender Birthdays. (funny Facebook MyCalender Birthday status)

________Words cannot express how proud I am of the US women's volleyball team, for allowing the 'Tramp Stamp' to represent us! (funny Volley Ball Tramp Stamp quote)

________If I were a fisherman and "likes" were fish, I would have to sink my boat for the insurance money (funny fisherman quote)

________Went to the mirror to imagine what I would look like fat. Problem solved. I will now be back in a little while to see what I look like drunk. (funny mirror drunk quote status)

________level of maturity vary depending upon the company around them (famous funny quote status)

________Mark Zuckerberg finally switched my Facebook to timeline...... Well played douchebag..... Well played. (funniest Mark Zukerberg Timeline quotes)

_______Hey I just sideswiped you, and this is crazy, but I'm gonna floor it, and hope the cops dont chase me (funny dumped quotes ever)

_______I hate when i spend too much money, check my account then have a heart attack (funny heart attack quote)

_______Well I used to believe in ghosts, but they're all so unambitious nowadays. (funny ghost quotes)

_______My Chinese neighbor brought over some delicious cookies yesterday... and today I found a tiny piece of paper in the toilet that read... WHO IS A**HOLE NOW!? (funniest cookies status ever)

_______Don't forget to hold your breath between posting this status update and waiting for the first 'Like' (Funniest Facebook status update)

_______I'll bet for overweight people McDonalds is there golden arch enemy. (funny McDonald quote)

_______I finally figured out what it took for me to feel rested and take on the day at work....coming in 2 hours late apparently.

_______I'm thankful for a lot if things but I'm mostly thankful for the following acronym; STFU (funny acronym stfu quote status)

_______I just had a near-death experience. I thought the coffee pot broke. (funny near death experience)

_______Could you just tell me your cup size?   It's hard to judge, with the cleavage smashed into the camera for you profile pic

_______I'm on a roll. Ok i'm on a fat kid who tripped while running downhill, but same difference. (funny roll quote)

_______I made a joke about smoking weed with a bong once. It was a hit but then I forgot it. (funny bong quote)

_______Tried stealing a shopping cart from a homeless guy... I would have gotten away with too, if it wasn't for that bum wheel. (funny shopping cart quote)

_______I used to be ambitious about achieving goals, until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people. (funny ambitious goal quote)

_______My wife calls me Usain Bolt...I last around 9.63 seconds and always come first (funny Usain Bolt quotes)

_______Your mom gives great head..I mean advice. (Yo mama joke)

_______Sometimes I do the *thumb neck slicing motion to strangers just so they know not to mess with me (not to mess with me quote)

_______I used to believe in faith, hope and charity...Turns out they were all in a club climbing a pole. (funniest faith charity hope quote)

_______Just sneezed on a smart car... and this guy gave me five bucks for washing and drying it in under 2.5 seconds. (funny smart car quotes)

_______The wife and I went camping and ended up having a huge argument in the tent. I had the last laugh when she stormed out and slammed the flap. (funny wife quote)

_______Went for a checkup today. He said I had an impressive cavity and that he would love to fill it for me. That'll be the last time I go to THAT Proctologist (funny Proctologist quote)

_______Just put on my "Forever Lazy" onesie... and now I can't even finish this po (funny lazy post )

_______If Sneaking across the Border was an Olympic Sport, Mexico would get the Gold (funny Mexico Olympic quotes)

_______I just created a page that makes fun of pirates. I guess you could call it a parroty page. (funny pirate quote)

_______From their web address, I just don't understand is it super bowl or superb owl?? (funny super bowl quote status)

_______Tip of the day : Don't play soccer with thy neighbor's kid. Use a football instead. (funniest soccer quote)

_______I don't see the big deal...I just sold my KIA Soul to the devil...he gave me a great price. (funny KIA soul quote)

_______So am I the only one who played the Google game today? Lol Apparently Hurdle jumps is not my Olympic sport. (funny hurdle jump Google Doodle quote)

_______When it comes to putting my head on the chopping block , I'm a bit of a chicken

_______At the Olympics, its funny how white people get medals for shooting nd black people get medals for running (funniest Olympic quotes ever)

_______went for a job interview today and the boss asked me: Why did you leave your last job?? I said: The company relocated and didn't tell me where. (funniest Job Interview quotes status)

_______Hey people on Twitter, when you start to refer to your followers as "family" all I can envision is the Manson "family" (funny Manson family twitter quote)



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