Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes Definition

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If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind … I’d be SO skinny!
I love using my GPS, problem is I can’t find it.
Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.
Nothing like someone posting a 7th grade photo of you on Facebook to bruise your ego.
Girls work on their looks but not their minds b’coz they know boys are stupid, not blind.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
If vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors, how do they trim those perfect goatees?
I hate long distance relationships.That’s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
I make seven figures but the first two are zero.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
It’s all fun and games, until someone calls the cops. Then it’s a new game; hide and seek.
If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you’re a tool.
We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.
I’m gonna go take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it.
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office.
Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
If she were a president, she’d be Baberham Lincoln.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments.
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday.
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, ‘Oh crap, she’s up.’
Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.
A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a dead body.
A politician is a fellow who will lay your life down for his country.
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
If you are one in a million, there are six thousand people just like you.
Alarm Clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
Trying to understand you is like trying to smell the color 9.
“During a test, people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.”
“Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.”
“A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.”
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
I now know I’m psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time.
I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong.
Next time your girl wants you to take her somewhere expensive, take her to the gas station, almost 5.00/gallon.
I stay up late every night and realize it’s a bad idea every morningThey keep saying the right person will come along.
I think mine was hit by a truck“I’ve realized you can use a fork as a spoon. if you use it rapidly enough.Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.