Funny Quotes Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes Funny Quotes Definition

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The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.
-Rush Limbaugh
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
-Bill Hicks
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
-Zig Ziglar
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
-Bill Maher
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
-Mel Brooks
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
-Will Rogers
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
-Joe E. Lewis
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
-Oscar Wilde
I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
-Charles M. Schulz
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
-Janeane Garofalo
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
-Tommy Cooper
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
-Victor Borge
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
-Billy Sunday
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-Albert Einstein
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
-Robert Maynard Hutchins
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-Mark Twain
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.
-Jarod Kintz,
I Want I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
-Jarod Kintz,
This Book is Not for Sale “If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.
-Jarod Kintz
Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.
- Jarod Kintz
I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.
- Jarod Kintz