70 funny Quotes

_______Whenever I see a lame status with no likes I want to give it a pity like but I cant...because it is usually one of mine (funny Facebook status)

_______I'm one of those people that can't hide their feelings,so when I'm upset about something people close to me usually know.Today was one of those days... When my friend asked me "Are you ok?'',while tilting her head slightly.I looked her in the eye and said ''Mind your own f**king business !!!!!"......... noisy b!tch ! (funniest quote status ever)

_______Whenever I feel like being in a horrible mood.. I crank up Brittany Spears on my way to work. By the time I get there, I'm ready to shove my foot up someone's a**. Works. Every Time. :) (funny bad mood quote)

_______I'm not very good at doing' push-ups.. I'm much better with push-downs. (famous funny quote)

_______My wife is like the sun.......................She makes my eyes hurt when i look at her (funny wife quote)

_______Isn't it annoying when you're having lunch with your in-laws and they don't exist because no one loves you enough to marry you (funniest love quote ever)

_______Got two pieces of bad news today.   First, my 22 year old next door neighbor is pregnant and secondly, my passport is out of date. (funny bad news quote)

_______Its funny how a picture can spark a memory. When I see yours I am reminded that I need to see a doctor to remove this boil from my a** (funny memories quote)

_______My wife wants to travel to third world countries and teach them how to get water out of a 'hole' in the ground.........I'm sure she means well. (funny third world countries quote)

_______73% of women buy clothes but never wear them. I'd like to meet those women (funny women quote)

_______There are times I flip a table over at a restaurant just to prove that I can......I tip well..... (funny tip quote)

_______Women aren't always right, but they are certainly never wrong. (funny women quote)

_______Friends tend to bend when you in need of their help... Split personalities... I'll be friends with myself.. (funny Friend quote)

_______At work I always get in trouble for two things  1...The things I've done 2....The things I'm not doing. (funny work quote)

_______Wow.. I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look. (funny stupid quote)

_______The quickest way to a woman's heart is through your own pocket. (funny heart quote)

_______Sometimes I wish all ten of my fingers were middle ones. (funny wish )

_______Don't worry if that beautiful girl you've had your eye on doesn't know that you exist......You're less likely to become a suspect if she ''disappears ''. (funny beautiful girl quote)

_______This prostitute's business is growing so fast now she's in retail and whoresale (funny business quote)

_______Okay, since you won't go away, at least "like" my posts.

_______the part where i start giving a f**k to your issues.. Well, i haven't reached that part of the conversation as yet.. :-p (funny issues quotes)

_______I reached my limit in appropriate life choices for the day when I got out of bed.. this afternoon. (funniest life quotes ever)

_______Just want to remind all the blond ladies about tomorrow. TGIF. When you are putting on your shoes Toes Go In First (funny blond quotes)

_______I was told by my Doctor to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day....so does having panic attacks count (funny Doctor quotes)

_______She is not ugly........she is a beautiful piece of sh!t  ! 

_______My friend wants me to go clubbing but I don't want to get baby seal blood on my new shoes (funny clubbing quote)

_______When someone writes that they lost a loved one, with a very nice tribute to that person. I never know if I should click "like" or not. sooooo....I comment with, "is this good or bad?" please circle one. (funny loved one quote)

_______you know how babies suck their thumbs for comfort? When I'm out of beer I just carry the empty bottle everywhere. (funny beer quote)

_______Just saw my ex at a bar. Asked her if she wanted to come over and hook up just like old times. She said, "Over my dead body". I said, "Yep...just like old times". Not sure what she was drinking but it sure was sticky. (funny ex joke)

_______Zuckerberg got you to devote your life to facebook. Let's see what happens when Zuckerberg tells you to like my status.

_______I'm not really afraid of drowning. I'm just afraid of not having enough air to breathe. In the water. That's totally different. (funny drowning quote)

_______cast iron pans are the way to go. They cook the best, are the easiest to clean and also make a great weapon. (funny weapon quote)

_______Seriously, trust me.. i was kidding when i said.. i will NOT kill u... (kidding quotes)

_______Depression - this is when you login into Facebook see all the notifications and you do not know what to do. (funny Facebook depression quote)

_______My psychiatrist was really pissed at me when I was complaining to him today about how I had problems hearing people but couldn't see them...he was astonished and said when does this happen.....I said over the phone (funny psychiatrist quote)

________I just found a fruit roll up in my pocket which means I left my blunt wrap at work on my desk. (funny work quotes)

________The wife's watching lifetime, the kids asleep and the dogs licking his nuts....all is right with the world (funny world quote)

________I entered a competition and won 2 buns and 6 soft rolls....then again, I always have been the Bread winner..

________I was just labeled as a case of mistaken obscenity (funny labels)

________If I were a poet and you were a llama you couldn't read this and know that it was stupid and doesn't rhyme..

________My coworker keeps playing all his annoying ringtones on his phone. I hope he likes the tone my ring makes when I punch him in the face (funny coworker quote)

________In honor of celebrating 420, I'm going to drink 420 ounces of beer. (funny 420 quotes)

________He said that she said that stuff that was said, so I said that she said the stuff that he said was enough said. There, I have said enough. (funny tongue twist quote)

________I like to sit in front of random people, preferably men, take out my big long banana, peel it, slowly, and then eat it, nice and slow, see that's the way to do it, nice and slow.

_______I'm going to ride this horse off this cliff until it turns into a pegasus... if it's the last thing I do!

_______Your mom is like my new carpet.... Just got laid by 3 guys  (yo mama joke)

_______I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying (funny sleep quote)

_______Being married is like the smell of a hot pizza pie when you are dieting... (funny marriage quote)

_______Does this knife I'm holding to my Jugular make me look married? (funny marriage quote)

_______I got a warning for using 911 improperly because at Micky D's I ordered a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn’t make those I got a little pissed. (funny 911 joke)

_______I am single now, however, I was living with a girl for about four months recently, until she found out I was there. (funny being single quote)

_______All I need is 24 hours of alone time per day & I am good to go! (funny time quote)

_______Everyone using ASAP... needs to calm the f*ck down!

_______No no, I'm sorry for thinking that ur mom acts like a whore............maybe its just a case where all the whores act like your mom!! (funny whore quote)

________I really don't know much about you, but I think we're in for a bad spell of weather.

________If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don't miss twice

________So I found a tumor on my ex's lung. If I would of let her live that would of been some bad news.

________This old lady dropped her bag outside the mall... My girl looked at me and said, "Come on, don't just stand there."...So I started doing star jumps. (short joke)

_______If my dog wakes me up by licking me one more time... I swear to God, I'm gonna buy another one!

_______Boys will be boys, and men will be... Well I don't really know much about mythological creatures. (funny men quote)

_______Do I miss being married? Sure, what could be better than being in a relationship with a female, bipolar version of Darth Vader (funny bipolar quote)

_______Teaching your kids to swim isn't hard .. You just throw them in the deep end either they learn to swim or you get your social life back

_______I just watched a Glade air freshener disintegrate right before my very eyes here in the bathroom....I think I just discovered my super power. (funny super power quote)

_______Tried to record the Justin Bieber special tonight. My TiVo suggested I might also want to punch myself in the throat. (funny quote about Justin Bieber)

_______In ten years, there will be kids walking around thinking Dre is only famous for headphones (funny Dre quote)

_______I'm currently dating a wealthy midget. She is Short on money. (funny midget quote)

_______So I went to the gym today.............and by gym I meant mcdondalds................and by today I mean everyday! (funny gym quote)


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36 Funny Quotes

_____I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer. (funny beer quote)
_____I'm going to do this weird, modern thing called "Posting original material."  I promise I don't work at the re-post office anymore.
_____Sometimes less is more....The less you say, the more I like you. (funny less is more)
_____I bought a new vacuum cleaner today and the f**king thing sucks!
_____You may have stolen my heart and broke it....but that's Ok...just keep it. That's not the part I'm going to be using to bang all your friends with anyways. (funny heart quote status)
_____people who live in stone houses shouldn't throw paper...u know..paper beats rock!!
_____I couldn't get the parking meter downtown to work and every a$$hole within 50 feet just stood there staring at me. I'm sure if I was a woman or wearing clothes THEN someone would offer to help....discrimination dumbers
_____My New Year's Resolution earlier this year was to give up Lent. Now, for Lent, I'm giving up my New Year's Resolution. That way, I get twice the disappointment at half the effort. (funny new year resolution)
_____I like your pants to be like an Adobe file. Unzipped.
_____Women are strange creatures, you can stare at them all day long and they just kinda divert your attention, but take a picture of their feet and all hell breaks loose.
_____ITS FUNNY HOW ALL TRUST GOES AWAY WHEN YOU CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE. "ARE YOU SITTING ON IT" "NO" "STAND UP"
_____Still waiting for my prince to come and rescue me.. and pound me endlessly into the night. ;)
_____Some guy next to me told me that he really likes my balls. After beating the living shit outta him, I remembered I was in a bowling ally.
_____I don't bite my tongue but I'd like to bite yours
_____My short term memory says "no" but my short term memory says "yes."
_____If you hack my account, please have the courtesy to spell curse words correctly. Because, you're making us both look bad. Thanks!
_____Saw a really hot pic of a chick on the Internet. First, had to download her. Then had to printer.
_____Sometimes I like to repost some of my older stuff just to see if you all are paying attention.
_____I took home an Oscar once ... At least I think that was his name. (funny Oscar Quote)
_____It's Sunday bitches! (How I greet the female dogs in my neighborhood.)
_____The only "likes" I will get will be from my illiterate friends, who don't care what I call them as long as my statuses look "pretty."
_____Hey beautiful, will you be my valentine? On 1st April? Please! (funny April Fool)
_____oo Hooo... finally been recognised for my knowledge... the Police have told the media I am their primary person of interest ...
_____You know when you've had your fun with a post or a pic and you're pretty much done with it but some jackass keeps coming back with crap and then you click on 'Unfollow post' and then that guy keeps tagging you in the comments..  I really need to stop doing that!
_____I decided I no longer need the approval of others. What do you guys think?
_____I don't like fake people that try to be nice to me, they are like an artificial sweetener..please be all natural with me and we will get along just fine.
_____Is currently taking my " i don't give a shit" attitude to a whole new level. Going upstairs now.
_____Everyone is always bitching about wanting a dislike button but I want a "did you actually just post that lame status....do us all a favor and just go kill yourself now" button. (funny unlike button)
_____Hey People, didn't realize this way a live feed, so go ahead, take your balls out of your girlfriend's purse and stop bitching.
_____My neighbor asked me draw a picture of him so i drew a huge D**k. I hope he likes it.
_____I have perfected the line "I've done all I can. He's in God's hands now...", just in case I one day have to perform emergency open heart surgery on someone in public, miles from the nearest hospital, with a butter knife and sticky tape. Because you never know..."
_____Keep getting this message.....Object cannot be liked. Must be because I don't like stupid shit.
_____I was at the circus last night and the same elephant I fed peanuts to 30 years ago, looked at me and said; "Hey Jaz"
_____This may come as a suprize to most of yoo, but I have a slite problem with speling.
_____Sometimes I sit on my hand until it falls asleep so it feels like someone else... When I punch you in the face
_____Dear teachers who always said I would never amount to much,  My bail has just been set at $100,000. So in your face, suckers

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33 Funny Quotes

_____With the advance of modern technology like the computer, Internet websites like Facebook and Google have shown us a lot.  Shown us how many weird looking dumb f**kers are out there.
_____I know I just got back from my eye doctor appointment and all but look these are not artificial tears-- > :' (
_____Fat people drive fast because that's the Only time they can go fast! (fat people quote)
_____Wish some people would stop being useless and start being beer. (funny beer quote)
_____'love' comes from the heart.. But i suspect 'boobs' in front contribute a lot! ;-)
_____I think I've figured out why people think I've got a superiority complex. It's because I'm better than them
_____"Do not mess with me unless you are highly intelligent, which youre not, because if you were, youd know not to mess with me, which you are, so don't." - Me, three seconds before getting my ass kicked by someone not as easily confused as Id hoped.
_____You are dead to me!! ~ my speech statement whenever a guy friend gets married.. (funny marriage quote)
_____It's pretty ironic that everyone I see with a walker is a fan of tennis
_____I'm no Doctor, but I know Virginity can be cured.
_____I like the Valentines cards that say "Will you beer my Valentine" (funny valentine quote)
_____The day the music really died was the day someone thought Paris Hilton could sing. (funny Paris Hilton quote)
_____I can't wait for the timeline so I can figure out where I've been and what the Hell I've been doing for the last year!
_____I think I'm ready for a second career. My first career is unemployment (funny unemployment quote)
_____I never re post, first of all because I'm too lazy to copy and paste, secondly because I'm too busy flying my spy plane over your house in the hopes you'll say something witty and clever that I can use as a status.
_____Will Facebook allow me to use a naked picture as a cover for my timeline profile? I mean its all about art!! Also, its me in the nude (funny timeline cover quote status)
_____Lost my friend in the airport today, so I quickly took my phone logged on to Facebook and went to Find Friend...............thanks for nothing Mark! (funny Mark Zukerberg status joke)
_____Behind every great man, there's a woman who knows he occasionally likes to pee sitting down.
_____I stopped poking you 3 days ago. How long before this rash goes away? (funny poke quote status)
_____ATTENTION!!!! For your safety and well being I offer the following advice: Deeper, Harder, and Faster are NOT the best "safe words" to use!!!!!
_____Just so nobody felt left out, I "poked" your mom and sister too......
_____Tried to be an organ donor in high school...but the ladies said no.
_____It’s true! A picture is worth a thousand words. I saw this girl’s pic and I repeated "f**king ugly" 500 time
_____I went out this morning and got donuts for the kids but ate them all on the way back home....f**k them.
_____they say beauty is on the inside...well someone needs to turn my ugly wife inside out
_____Accidentally took an Ambien instead of a Claritin today. Should make for an interesting night at work. (funny drug quote)
_____if a girl gets 200 likes and 300 comments the only thing missing is her clothes
_____If you're contemplating suicide, call me, I can help.  I have guns, knives, axes, rope (funny suicide quote status)
_____I don't understand why people don't like me. I do everything I can to piss them off.
_____I was reading our local paper the other day....had a funny comment....there was no like button to hit...WITH!
_____Eight.... It took me eight tries to get the USB drive in the right hole. No wonder my girlfriend shouts at me so much.
_____Decided to try being as honest as possible with everyone today. So now I'm single, homeless, unemployed, banned from our local church, pub and supermarket, and on the run from the law. Best policy, my arse.
_____I may not be the sexiest woman out there but DAMMIT I'M FUNNY and I have big tits!
_____I hate it when I meet someone new and they say "don't worry, I don't bite", ya cause the first thing I think when I meet a person is "HOLY SHIT that bitch is gonna bite me"

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