52 Funny Quotes

_____I don't like it when my wife calls me names..........she knows my name is --------..but for some reason 'names' is what she prefers to call me!!!!

_____ i really like my men as i like my pets... alive and begging to be released... :))

_____If you will give an elderly rabbit a viagra, he will die....didn't you hear that saying 'Old rabbit die hard' (funny viagra quotes)

_____I liked my dad's wife a lot more back when she was just my mom's best friend... 

_____with all these comebacks i am coming up with.. my mood is getting better and better.. obviously yours is going bad to worst..

_____i go for 1/2 hour yoga session.. And sleep 3 hours after coming home.. Cuz you know my body needs resting (funny yoga quote)

_____I don't ever want any of you to take offense at me asking you to kiss my butt, It's all tongue in cheek fun

_____No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off

_____I wish I was still a baby sometimes cause my widdle fist would fit right into someone eye socket and plus I could get away with punching people.

_____My girlfriend says she wants to start seeing other people....................reasonable enough.....considering how long she's been locked up in my basement!!!!

_____i am not always correct......but when i am not..... o am still f**king right!!!!

_____When the f**k are they gonna figure out how to fax a beer.:/

_____I kill mosquitoes with my bare hands... So yeah, I'm gang ready.

_____I can honestly say, I have no desire to wear clothes around you.

_____I love how my car goes from 0 to 60 in 2.5 minutes.

_____I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat (funny tyre quote)

_____Whenever I'm at work I like to stay on facebook all day just to see all of my friends who are wasting time (funny Facebook status)

_____I accidentally dropped my ink pen in the toilet today..darn thing writes like absolute crap now.

_____Hit a skateboarder with my truck, he was ok, then read his shirt "Skate or Die"... So I backed over him!

_____Use other people's stuff carefully, especially when they don't know that u're using it.

_____Facebook android app is slower then shit...takes 17 mins to see a lame ass photo of food that was posted 2 hrs ago. Epic fail. (funny android quote)

_____most times i find it is my sober activity that is highly inappropriate.

_____I just opened my credit card bill and everything around me died.

_____I hope this cop don't pistol whip me sober... I've worked to hard to get this drunk and steal his car.

_____Her Brown Eye has tunnel vision........ ;-)

_____I never got beat as a child. The hell is still in me.

_____It would be nice if once in a while Alex Trebek overrode the time clock and just read the final clue....

_____I don't understand these "Slow Children" signs.......If they're really slow, I'll see them coming with plenty of time to react!!!...

_____The girl I met at the bar must of been a magician because when she texted me that she was pregnant I disappeared (funny magician quote)

_____I leave all the tough decisions in life up to my magic 8 ball and the answer is always Stop doing so much cocaine

_____It's raining/snowing/sun shining.......I can't wait to update my status and alert all my friends who don't have any windows! (funny status)

_____I wake up people in the wee hours of the morning so I can flip them the early bird.

_____My feet are killing me from wearing these stripper heels all day . And I'm not even a stripper !!........Respect. (short joke pun)

_____It doesnt matter if the glass is half empty or half full as long as Lupita washes it when I am done using it

_____Sometimes I wonder how many awesome prizes I've missed out on winning simply because I'm too lazy to enter the code under the Coca-Cola bottle cap.

_____Having romance and tellin your friend over the phone that you're in the middle of something isn't totally a lie (funny romantic quote)

_____This status was constipated until everyone liked the shit out of it

_____i cant believe people are so always pretending to be someone else.. Have i ever go ahead and claimed to be superman?? Noh.. Coz i am Batman..!! (funny batman quote)

_____For people I don't really love: <NO3

_____I went to town on those beautiful breasts and magnificent thighs, now what shall I do with this greasy box? - me after a 5 piece chicken dinner from KFC (funny KFC quote)

_____That awkward moment when you spent hours trying to remember that one good joke to tell your friends... and you punch up the mess line!

_____I tried to rob a train old school, but they didn't have any money, so I shot the horse... Now I don't have any money, and I'm stuck with a horse with a gun shot wound. :(

_____Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so.

_____After all the times people have said I was boring it's nice to hear today that the police have classified me as a person of interest.

_____I think it's fair enough to say that 1 out of one hundred eye drops landed in my eye at one time.

_____I just got a request from my son who doesnt know this is me. Hope he likes my jokes about banging his mom

_____i get many pokes a day... But yours' is always special... ; )

_____I am working on a Bruno Mars parody. Here is a sample. I want to be a billionaire so freaking bad. I'll bang your mom and you can call me dad. Pretty good so far right? (funny Bruno Mars quote)

_____I'm logging out.... then, I'll wipe and flush. No worries, I'll keep FB open, during the process.

_____Ok no more jokes tonite about your mom. I have to take a shower before she gets here (your mom quotes)

_____Next time you get mad at your mom inbox me her address. (your mom quotes)

_____Just got back from my High School reunion... I celebrated by staying home, getting drunk and burning my yearbook page by page! (funny reunion quote)

_____I wish everything in life was as easy as your mom (your mom quotes)

_____The other day, I helped my neighbor clean his yard, I took all his split wood and burned it for him

_____Bad news, the vicar of my local church died today of Organ Failure, half way through the Sunday service the organ fell on him (funny organ)

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34 Funny Quotes

_____I wish they put a LIKE button on the "People You May Know" notification I don't know you, I probably don't want to know you, but I like that FB thinks we should be friends (funny i wish quote)
_____Sometimes I try to extrapolate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean
_____You've got to admire the skill of pro athletes. Imagine convincing somebody to pay you a million dollars to play a game
_____Don't you just hate people who put random, vague and abusive statuses on Facebook clearly directed at an individual but without having the guts to say it to their face...You know who you are (top best funny quote)
_____I don't know about you but I get 'nervous' a lot
_____You really do believe in everything.. if you believe size doesn't matter
_____Sometimes I wish I had an INTERESTING, and EXCITING job like maybe being the person who test toys....NO, not THAT kind of toys!!!!!
_____I like to see the nervous smiles when I walk up to strangers to see if they will let me take a picture of them standing next to me.
_____Once I asked "Why do I have such bad luck with women?" And a voice answered "Because you're an a$$hole!" And I was like "Shut up mom, I wasn't asking you!" Then she's like "Then hang up the phone dumbass!"
_____I've decided that I am going to teach my c**k how to cook breakfast since it insist on being up way before me very day anyways
_____I try really hard to be as transparent as possible when dealing with women, but usually they can still see me and then I get in trouble
_____The only person who listen to both sides of an argument are the next-door neighbors. (funny neighbor quote)
_____I can't reach you from here so, do me a favor and put your hands around your neck and strangle yourself. Thanks!
_____I suspect that I only really have 6 facebook friends with 100 accounts each..
_____If a conjoined twin tells you that she loves you is the correct response, I love you too. or I love you two. ?????
_____What a weird coincidence yesterday! I asked a girl out just a second before she asked me to get out.
_____The most important and meaningful relationship you can have is the one with yourself. So if you excuse me I'm going to have "relations" with myself.
_____I take pride in never copying and pasting, or reposting, a status. Mine are all original and written by me. Which should answer your question - Why are your posts so shit?
_____naked legs are my favorite, i don't mind if the above parts are also naked
_____Trust me when I say ..... Oh never mind ... Don't trust me .... I'll fucking annihilate you if I get the chance
_____You should not trust me .. trust me (funny Trust Quote)
_____Men, there is only one thing you need to be able to please a woman...  STAMINA (funny women quote)
_____Don't say you're "addicted" to chocolate unless you have sucked a d**k to get some (funny chocolate quote joke)
_____After how many months of poking each other on facebook does it finally constitute a "relationship"? (funny relationship quote)
_____I appreciate that you have opinions, I just don't appreciate that you're sharing them with me.
_____"Nice breasts and legs, Oooh, I'd like a little of that on the side" Sexual harassment must be a tricky subject at KFC (funny KFC quote)
_____My boss looked at me and said; "please, get off of facebook and do your job!" I said; "dammit it's called multitasking........LOOK IT UP!" He said; "my God man, you're a doctor performing open heart surgery!"
_____totally ignored ... actually cuz i'm new here ... and that's how new comers are welcomed nowadays
_____i have finally accepted the fact that i have no life so suicide is no longer an option! (funny suicide quote)
_____They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but not if you take a picture of this sentence.
_____Listen honey, you may only be half my age now, but in 10 years time you'll be 2/3 my age. Stick with me and I'll teach you the power of math (funny math quote status)
_____I've got my phone sitting on my lap set to 'vibrate' in case you're wondering why I'm not answering calls right now...... But by all means KEEP CALLING.... thanks;)
_____I HATE it when girls….. have this attitude like they are prettier, smarter, skinnier and more successful than me….and they ARE (funny hate quote)
_____This status is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet (funny status quote)
_____I behaved myself once... it was a long time ago, but I'm still very proud

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32 Funny Quotes

_____Temptation is bad... but in a very awesome way :-D (funny temptation quote status)
_____the awkward moment when someone gives a creepy stare and you stare somewhere else (funny awkward moment quote)
_____I thought you were my facebook friend, turns out you're just another facebook "user" (facebook user quote)
_____I like saying inappropriate things around children. It gets them ready for the real world (funny parenting quote status joke)
_____Why the "hell" do people keep "misusing" quotation marks??
_____(I need more) F**K (in) MY LIFE (funny life quote)
_____Sir, can i f**k your daughter? WHAT??? I said, can i have a glass of water? (funny daughter quote)
_____Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again." Most guys probably (funny relationship quote)
_____if anyone asks why I'm groping them, its because love is blind. Yea that's why (funny love quote)
_____Some folks are well off. I'm just well, off.  (funny folk quote)
_____Yes this look on my face does mean " I want to punch you"
_____Good things come to those who 'bait....... So i'll just be here, .... 'waiting till something good comes : )
_____You know how shirts come with an extra button just in case you lose one. I think socks should come with one extra sock just to be on the safe side (funny sock quote)
_____Once a year I do this thing with my ex where I call her in the middle of the night, sing, "♪♫ I just called to say... (long pause).. FUCK YOU BITCH!!!" then hang up (funny ex status quote)
_____I seem to have lost my mind this morning. If you find it, can you please pick it up? I'd put on some gloves first if I were you though...it's a dirty thing (funny mind quote)
_____Question: So when you "poke" someone on Facebook, where exactly are you poking them??? (funny poke status)
_____I woke up this morning, saw that there is a roof over my head ..... life is good! (funny life quote)
_____Out of all the millions of colors the human eye can see... NAKED is the one I see the clearest (funny naked quote)
_____I'm going back to MySpace........ People there actually commented on how hot i was in all my pics. It's like you guys don't care how I feel (funny myspace quote)
_____I'm a great dancer... If you're comparing me to Stephen Hawking (funny Stephen Hawking quote)
_____i am a girl with daddy issues which is the reason for all my boyfriend issues (funny daddy issues quote)
_____i dont know about love.. but am surely falling in lust with you ;-) (funny love lust quote)
_____Tonight I did a little role play....I ate breakfast for dinner...in bed :)
_____7, 3, 11, 9, 5... the lottery numbers. What are the odds? (funny lotto quote)
_____I love that cute little thing you do with your mouth :) You know....when you shut the f**king thing
_____Told my friend today I was feeling lonely. She said, Don't worry, it's probably just an isolated incident.
_____Don't hate the bitch. Hate the d**khead that made her that way
_____I like other people's statuses like I like my Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe......ORIGINAL (funny KFC quote)
_____My brain, my second best organ (funny brain quote)
_____I really dont want to brag about it but as soon as hot girls see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running
_____Looking at where I've come from [~•] to where I'm at now , I'm amazed at how far I've come!
_____To the bitch behind me in the 12 items or less check out line givin' me dirty looks.. my 30 bananas and 20 cucumbers equals 2 muthafuckin' items.. so shutty! :)

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