32 Funny Witty and Hilarious Status about Government Shutdown, Apple, Yahoo and Walmart

_______If I had to pick one thing I hate most about driving and texting... it's probably all the people that show up out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
_______If you close your eyes and walk into Walmart... it smells just like PetSmart. (funny Walmart status)
_______I wonder what the people of Walmart do with all that extra time? You know, the time they save not brushing their teeth or getting dressed
_______People say potheads are lazy but I just reached under my couch to get a lighter
_______I don't care about the government shutdown because liquor stores are run by the state (funny status about US government shutdown)
_______I don't care that the government shut down, I just wish it would shut up.
_______did they even try a government restart before the government shut down?
_______Government jokes? It's like people haven't been fooled ten billion times before.

_______My neighbor mowed his lawn at 6am so tonight I am going to get drunk and learn to play the drums
_______one advantage of dying will be that when my life flashes before my eyes, I can finally find out again what my old Yahoo mail password was... (funny yahoo status)
_______Sadly though, very few Girlfriends actually get married by their Boyfriends ... The rest are probably used as passwords for Yahoo Mail accounts...
_______I don't know why this guy in my basement doesn't understand that those handcuffs are just friendship bracelets.
_______Standing in Starbucks without a phone; What do I do with my hands? Where do I look? How do I pay? Oooh, eye contact... AWKWARD. (funny status about Starbucks)
_______Excuse me..I don't mean to interrupt your swagger...but I noticed your pants were down below your A$$...Congratulations on your weight loss. (funny swag status)
_______According to experts, a successful marriage is about give and take. According to women, a successful marriage is about give and Take Back. (funny marriage status)
_______Scientists have confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door. because her A$$ was definitely outta this world.
_______No matter how bad things get in your life, I want you to know that I'll continue giving you irrelevant advice instead of actually helping you.
_______Sweetheart, how can you say I don't love you anymore?? I never loved you in the first place!! (funny love status)
_______I have a sharp memory. I remember what happened last week as if it happened 20 years ago.
_______So I asked the driver to take a right once we reach station and he was all like, "This is a F**kin' train, a**hole!"
_______If you love somebody, hold them tight and squeeze them till they feel suffocated and die of shortness of breath... and if they don't let you... They don't love you back.
_______I wasn't hiding. I was just admiring the circumference of this pillar.
_______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place.
_______Everyday is a Monday when you don't want to work.
_______So this really hot woman tells me,'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' So I told her, "Yeah I do. But what I don't wish for her to be is a hooker like you
_______I often ask kids whether they prefer strawberry ice cream or vanilla ice cream.  99% of them reply, "Where's my mommy?"
_______Sorry I'm late... I made an origami sailors hat out of a Waffle House napkin and got promoted to head chef.
_______If you die while using a Mac, your life won't flash before your eyes because Apple no longer supports it. (funny Apple Mac status)
_______Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
_______The air here is fresh enough to notice that someone spoilt it (funny fart status)
_______so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
_______Just saw this Indian lady collapsed on the street... I was wondering whether i should press the red panic button on her forehead.
_______Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: Sir, have you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

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31 Funny, Witty and Hilarious status Updates

_______I am not saying your breath is bad, but last time I caught a whiff I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

_______Whomever came up with the slogan of "the quicker picker upper" for Bounty obviously never tried Adderall.

_______Dont judge me but I'm looking at a single corn seed in my hand and yelling- I HAVE A UNI-CORN.

_______Sometimes i find myself thinking about the profound complexities of the universe, galaxies, our solar system, nature and its forces,the wonders of quantum physics, then i ask myself,''why do men have nipples?''

_______My kids found my whip, my handcuffs and my mask in my room. So I just explained to them I was a superhero.

_______"Things change. Whether for better or for worse, we find out later - and that's a good thing, I suppose, because otherwise, either everything would change, or absolutely nothing." - Me, being all philosophical and shit.

_______Hey Blondy! you don't have to lick your finger to flip the page... on ipad

_______Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything.

_______I'm not wearing any makeup today, so I'm planning on getting a ton of "Are you okay?" questions.

_______I was in town today and a guy just wouldn't stop staring at me, so I squared up to him and asked what his problem was.  He quickly backed off, so I got back on my unicycle and continued juggling....

_______Writing "Happy birthday dipshit. Hope you choke on your cake because you never like anything I post" is a good way to get deleted. Who knew?

_______My boss told me that if I don't stop blasting 80s metal music at work he was going to start Dokken my pay

_______This status is going to be short because this toilet seat is cold

_______I started doing the Insanity workout today and I have to say if you believe that you are crazy

_______Forgive me Facebook for I have sinned. It has been over 30 minutes since my last update

_______The nice thing about no one reading your posts is you can whatever the f**k you want to say

_______I entered a contest to have dinner with the cast of Twilight. I hope I win so I can piss off their fans when I don't show up

_______I wanted to post something pragmatic here but I am not sure that is even a real word

_______My vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever

_______How many times am I supposed to let my coworkers phone ring when he doesn't answer it before I drop it in a glass of water

_______Stalking people is so much harder in the winter. Their windows fog up so much easier and they can see my breath from behind the tree.

_______If you've never flipped on and off a light switch while making thunder noises... then you weren't at my first rave party at my house in 1986.

_______I'm watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.

_______Move along... just a guy saving money for a vacation... move along

________Learn to say no, after your tenth pizza slice that is.

________Even Bad Luck Brian appears happy in the meme after all that he's gone through and you think you've got problems.

________The sun feels sorry for you. please stop blaming it for wearing sunglasses indoors.

________Watching half-naked men hug each other and lay down to cover one another only to decide who did it better is NOT what WWE is all about.

________Please to park your car elsewhere! Can't you see my groceries are resting there?

________Stop posing in front of a mirror. Believe me nobody ever got famous for laughing at their own reflection while capturing a brilliant moment.

________Every other individual is ruined by facing the mirror with a phone, faking a smile and dying afterwards.

________Give man a pizza and he'll add ketchup and make it a dessert.

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30 Funny Witty and Hilarious Statuses

_______If it doesn't kill you...............it only needs to be made stronger!!

_______the only time i did window shopping is when i wanted to buy a window

_______Some people are as pointless as the second window at McDonald's

_______Not only do I stalk your page, at night you might feel a 'POKE'.

_______I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

_______Only one more 250 lb. fat chick until I can truthfully say I've been with a ton of women!

_______I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations.

_______My wife said I don't listen and a whole bunch of other... somethin.

_______Whenever you feel sad... just remember somewhere in the world there's an idiot trying to pull open a car door handle as it's being unlocked.

_______I really was gonna jog at the park this morning....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few puffs and cheered the joggers on, instead.

_______Most of you, like waking up in the morning, to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received.   I like waking up in the morning....to see..... WTF I posted!

_______If Plan A and B fails... don't worry! Just go to Plan F and U.

_______My fantasy football team is all cheerleaders.

_______That awkward moment when you log onto facebook and it says 9:30 pm... you look two minutes later it says 12:45 am.

_______I'd make a joke about the post office but you won't get it for 3-5 business days.

_______Well, I've had an evening so enjoyable that I honestly couldn't give a flying f**k how yours went. (Sarcastic status)

_______I think classical music was created solely for making murders feel a lot cooler..

_______I've just bought this new digital camera and none of my pictures come out wonderful....................being ugly sucks

_______"Liking" your post doesn't necessarily mean I agree with the status... sometimes it just means "Look at how stupid this person is."

_______I never panic during a crisis because most of the time I'm the cause.

_______I thought my husband was cheating on me with another woman. He's not, though, it's still the same woman.

_______My apologies for not being on Facebook yesterday...I was watching this chic trying to parallel park.

_______Medication is easy, it's the prescription that's the hard part

_______This Christmas I'm going to give the gift of laughter and good cheer...but first I have to separate it into little plastic baggies.

_______My attention span is shorter than an Amish phone book

_______If at first you don't succeed then you're probably a pathetic loser.

_______I ain't afraid of no ghost. No? Well your double negative suggests that actually you are, you uneducated ghostbusting moron scaredy cat.

_______I'd like to see Dora get lost & have to blow some dude for a ride home.  Kids need to learn that not all adventures end with a happy dance.

_______Forgive and Forget?   I'm neither Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimers.

_______Anybody that believes there is no such thing as a free ride should see me at work.

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29 Funny, Witty, Hilarious Statuses

________When I see a flash mob in public I join in just to make it look like they didn't practice enough

________Finally learnt to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.

________Talent used to be measurement of gold. Now it is a measurement of YouTube hits.

________This guy got arrested for wearing a fanny pack. Apparently, you have to wear clothes underneath it.

________Whenever I see a classic car in a parking lot, I put a "for sale" sign on it with my ex's number...just because

________A suicide note is just a short autobiography

________I am not saying she is to blame but a lot of bad things have happened since Martha Stewart got out of prison

________It's all fun and games until you lose your memory, then it just becomes a game.

________I've realized being optimistic will not solve all my problems, but it sure can annoy enough pessimists to make optimism worth it.

________As I was listening to myself sneeze, I realized it sounds like "eh choo" not "ah choo" so I think maybe my sneeze is Canadian?!?!

________This one time... I bought a lamp from china before I realized it was just some dude in a rice paddy hat sitting on a baby elephant.

________This one time I roller skated on my hands and hi fived everyone with my bare feet.

________I find it's best not to ask if things can get any worse unless you're up for the challenge.

________If any of you would have told me 25 years ago where I'd be today, I would have said get out of my face you cruel, sadistic non-psychic bastard.

________Calls my pharmacist my drug dealer because it just sounds more exciting...and my life is way boring.

________Hot pugtato is a party game that involves players gathering in a circle and tossing a pug to each other while music plays.

________If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"

________I refuse to use any product associated with animals, which is why I've stopped buying that Dove soap.

________I brought my sick sense of humor here because, well, I don't have any health insurance.

________Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic

________FYI..If your back starts to itch really bad when you're standing at the urinal, never, ever, ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.

________First time I met my old girlfriend she said she was bi. I couldn't think of anything sexier. Until I found out she meant bipolar

________I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have mixed feelings about it.

________Then there are those people who need such structure and daily routine in their lives that they have to plan to be spontaneous.

________I told this girl I met tonight I'm rubbing your legs to keep the mosquitoes from biting you ;)

________Me and my buds just finished igniting the last of the fireworks, we had left over from the 4th. We were like; HIGH FOUR!

________Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and you're probably in the Mafia.

________My girl said she's leaving me because I never make any sense...and that's why I don't like lettuce.

________A retard...What do you call that person who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the status?

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28 Funny, Witty, Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of "your"!

_______When life hands you lem... *slips on a banana peel*

_______Sometimes you dream about people, not because they are in your heart but because they are on your hitlist

_______I'm glad that after 20 years of marriage I can still make my wife smile and be happy, mostly when I leave for work

_______My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

_______Hmmm it's a nice rainy day....I should wear white, do my hair, wash the car and water the yard today.

_______I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i'm the one

_______Remember that really funny status you posted yesterday ? Yeah, me either...

_______Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn't know you...

_______You get a great sense of achievement when you accomplish things....so I heard anyway.

_______Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

_______My hubby thinks I spend too much time on Facebook. Don't worry, you guys. My next husband won't mind.

_______I need your advice. I'm not insecure, am I?

_______You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."

_______My girlfriend is soooo awesome. Attractive, funny, good-natured, kind ... I know my wife and her would get along fabulously if they met.

_______I'm at my sexiest, when I'm standing next to someone really unattractive....

_______By the time I'm done, if a picture of my liver doesn't end up in a medical college textbook in the Cirrhosis chapter, then my time here will have been wasted.

_______How many light bulbs does it take to change people? Especially the ones that need to see the light.

_______THIS protein bar doesn't taste like protein. I know what protein tastes like.

_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.

_______Bananas turn black and blue because the secretly practice boxing while we're sleeping at night..

_______After a lot of visits from the Stork your favorite bird becomes the Swallow.

_______My secret to success? Embracing my failures, loving them and calling them success. Pretty easy!

_______The phones we have nowadays are pieces of shit. Try to use them for just a little while and the batteries die. If you drop them the screens crack. F**k this, I'm going back to using a brick as a phone.

_______I'm only poking you back out of politeness....

_______All my statuses are original, I'm just not the one who came with them.

_______I knew from the first time I saw her that she was my soulmate, but my wife seemed to think otherwise.

________It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.

________Shifting your focus can change your perspective and open you to new ideas. So can drugs

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Funny Quoted

Funny Quoted Definition

Source(google.com.pk)     
”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” - Unknown
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - WillRogers
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” - Unknown
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” - Brian Gerald O’Driscoll
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)
“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” - Unknown
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” - Albert Einstein
“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” - Unknown
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” - Bill McGlashen
“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” - Marilyn Monroe
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” - Al McGuire
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain
“Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” - Unknown
”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein
“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright
”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” - Unknown
“If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” - Milton Berle
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” - Unknown
“I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” - Unknown
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” - Robert Frost
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” - Emo Philips
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” - Bob Hope
“A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’” - The Maugles
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” - Isaac Asimov
“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” - Barbra Streisand
“You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” - Harry S. Truman
“We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” - Unknown
“If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.” - Unknown
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” - Jack Nicholson

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Hilarious Funny Quotes

 Hilarious Funny Quotes Definition

Source(google.com.pk)       
In black neighborhoods, everybody appreciated comedy about real life. In the white community, fantasy was funnier. I started looking for the jokes that were equally hilarious across the board, for totally different reasons.
Will Smith It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
Bill Hicks I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people.
Kesha
If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.
Tom Hiddleston
I know my life is full of awkward pauses, and I think it's hilarious.
Josh Hutcherson
If I can surround myself with hilarious people every day, I will always want to go to work.
Rashida Jones
Normal people with normal problems can be hilarious.
Tommy Lee Jones
I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations.
Daniel Craig
It's hilarious a lot of times. You have a conversation with someone, and he's like, 'You speak so well!' I'm like, 'What do you mean? Do you understand that's an insult?
Jay-Z
I find the female tragedy of insecurity to be hilarious. We get obsessed over issues like the tiny skin tags on our backs or that we're fat. You read one line in a magazine and it sends you into a tailspin.
Lake Bell
The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.
Jo Brand
In the beginning, I would find a character I understood. That was my focus. Not now - but you basically get offered the exact same thing you just did. Which I find hilarious. I did 'The Vow,' and then I had every love story you can imagine thrown at me. And now I'm getting offers for comedies.
Channing Tatum
Comedy ages quicker than tragedy, to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners.
Arthur Smith
I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags.
Arthur Smith
I think Chris Rock at the Oscars was a great example. I thought that was intellectually hilarious. The Gap starts a war with Banana Republic... That to me was funny.
Christopher Meloni
One lion thinks it's just hilarious to tackle us. He's very funny about it... and we always know when it will happen.
Tippi Hedren
I want that which is hilarious and that which is heartbreaking to occupy the same territory in the book because I think they very often occupy the same territory in life, much as we try to separate them.
Richard Russo
So many stars who have shows are intimidated by having people around them be funnier than them. It's always the unsuccessful ones. Look at Seinfeld - he's great because he let everyone be hilarious.
Paul Feig
At the risk of appearing disingenuous, I don't really think of myself as 'writing humor.' I'm simply reporting on the world I observe, which is frequently hilarious.
Richard RussoI love tiny, plastic realistic food magnets. I don't know why. They're hilarious.
Amy Lee

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Golf Quotes Funny

Golf Quotes Funny Definition

Source(google.com.pk) 
“Getting fed up with your shitty golf game…takes a couple weeks off, and then quit for good.”
-Local Golf Pro
“Golf is like a hot 17-year-old girl with big boobs.  You know its trouble, but you just can’t keep away from her.”
-Avid golfer and statutory rapist
“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes:  taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.”
-P.J. O’Rourke
“If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron.  Not even God can hit a 1-iron.”
-Lee Trevino
“After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour.  Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.”
-Chi Chi Rodriguez, on his Puerto Rican accent
“Golf isn’t like other sports where you can take a player out if he’s having a bad day.  You have to play the whole game.”  -
Phil Blackmar
“Golf is not a game, its bondage.  It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.”
Jim Murray
“One minute you’re bleeding.  The next minute you’re hemorrhaging.  The next minute you’re painting the Mona Lisa.”
-Mac O’Grady, describing a typical round of golf
“Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.”
-Ben Hogan
“Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.”
-Unknown Golfing Poet
“My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.”
-Anxious Working Man
“If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook.  If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.”
-Every Golfer I Know
“The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.”
-Confucius
“It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don’t get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and stare at the cart girl’s tits all day if you are performing brain surgery.”
-Jealous Doctor
“Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.”
-Some Guy
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
~ Ben Hogan
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best
~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H G Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino      

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Funny Kids Quotes

Funny Kids Quotes Definition

Source(google.com.pk)    
e worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones
Children make your life important. ~Erma Bombeck
In a dark moment I ask, "How can anyone bring a child into this world?" And the answer rings clear, "Because there is no other world, and because the child has no other way into it." ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring. ~Liz Armbruster, on robertbrault.com
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. ~Author Unknown
We've had bad luck with our kids - they've all grown up. ~Christopher Morley
A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. ~Author Unknown
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. ~Harold Hulbert
Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music.  ~William Stafford
The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.  ~Neil Postman, The Disappearance of Childhood (introduction), 1982
Children are one third of our population and all of our future.  ~Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.  ~Fran Lebowitz
Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man.  ~Rabindranath Tagore
You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing.  What!  Is it nothing to be happy?  Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long?  Never in his life will he be so busy again.  ~Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762
A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.  ~Bill Vaughan
If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all.  ~Pearl S. Buck
In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children.  The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted.  The result is unruly children and childish adults.  ~Thomas Szasz
Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.  ~Franklin P. Jones
Children make you want to start life over.  ~Muhammad Ali
Boy, n.:  a noise with dirt on it.  ~Not Your Average Dictionary
I am fond of children - except boys.  ~Lewis Carroll
Youth is a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.  ~George Bernard Shaw
There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Children seldom misquote.  In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.  ~Author Unknown
In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.  ~Robert Benchley
The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five.  ~Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook, 1985
Youth is a perpetual intoxication; it is a fever of the mind.  ~François Duc de la Rochefoucauld
Little girls are cute and small only to adults.  To one another they are not cute.  They are life-sized.  ~Margaret Atwood
While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt
Creative play is like a spring that bubbles up from deep within a child.  ~Joan Almon
There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age.  ~Benjamin Spock
Tarry a moment to watch the chaos of a playground, crayola-colored shirts of running children, all trying out their wings.  ~Dr. SunWolf,
What is a home without children?  Quiet.  ~Henny Youngman
It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six.  ~John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese
A child seldom needs a good talking to as a good listening to.  ~Robert Brault,
If we would listen to our kids, we'd discover that they are largely self-explanatory.  ~Robert Brault,

Funny Kids Quotes

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Drinking Quotes Funny

Drinking Quotes Funny Definition

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feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
~ Frank Sinatra
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
~ Ernest Hemingway
“When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun, but when you mix the two you become a dumbass.”
~ That 70’s Show
“Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.”
~ N.F. Simpson
“No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or so good as drink.”
~ G. K. Chesterton
“I got so wasted one night I waited for the stop sign to change, and it did.”
~ Steve Krabitz
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“All is fair in love and beer.”
~ Kurt Paradis
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handey
“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”
~ Ogden Nash
“When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.”
~ Jimmy Breslin
“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”
~ Joe E. Lewis
“We drink [to] one another’s health and spoil our own.”
~ Jerome K. Jerome
“If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.”
~ Anonymous
“The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a beer bottle, they’re on TV.”
~ The Simpsons
“When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.”
~ Frantois Rabelais
“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”
~ Steve Fergosi
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”
~ Steven Wright
“Drink what you want; drink what you’re able. If you are drinking with me, you’ll be under the table.”
~ Anonymous
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
“I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.”
~ Oscar Levant
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”
~ W.C. Fields
“I drink to make other people interesting.”
~ George Jean Nathan
“Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.”
~ Catherine Zandonella
“Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.”
~ Anonymous
“I find the more I drink, the more interesting others become.”
~ Tom Ralphs
“I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been overserved.”
~ George Gobel
“Here’s to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems.”
~ The Simpsons
“Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.”
~ Lord Byron
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”
~ Dean Martin
“It’s like gambling somehow. You go out for a night of drinking and you don’t know where you’re going to end up the next day. It could work out good or it could be disastrous. It’s like the throw of the dice.”
~ Jim Morrison
“Alcoholic friends are as easy to make as Sea Monkeys.”
~ Dry
“Maybe talking when I’m piss ass drunk isn’t entirely bright.”
~ Chris McGowan

Drinking Quotes Funny

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 Drinking Quotes Funny

 Drinking Quotes Funny

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