32 Funny Witty and Hilarious Status about Government Shutdown, Apple, Yahoo and Walmart

_______If I had to pick one thing I hate most about driving and texting... it's probably all the people that show up out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
_______If you close your eyes and walk into Walmart... it smells just like PetSmart. (funny Walmart status)
_______I wonder what the people of Walmart do with all that extra time? You know, the time they save not brushing their teeth or getting dressed
_______People say potheads are lazy but I just reached under my couch to get a lighter
_______I don't care about the government shutdown because liquor stores are run by the state (funny status about US government shutdown)
_______I don't care that the government shut down, I just wish it would shut up.
_______did they even try a government restart before the government shut down?
_______Government jokes? It's like people haven't been fooled ten billion times before.

_______My neighbor mowed his lawn at 6am so tonight I am going to get drunk and learn to play the drums
_______one advantage of dying will be that when my life flashes before my eyes, I can finally find out again what my old Yahoo mail password was... (funny yahoo status)
_______Sadly though, very few Girlfriends actually get married by their Boyfriends ... The rest are probably used as passwords for Yahoo Mail accounts...
_______I don't know why this guy in my basement doesn't understand that those handcuffs are just friendship bracelets.
_______Standing in Starbucks without a phone; What do I do with my hands? Where do I look? How do I pay? Oooh, eye contact... AWKWARD. (funny status about Starbucks)
_______Excuse me..I don't mean to interrupt your swagger...but I noticed your pants were down below your A$$...Congratulations on your weight loss. (funny swag status)
_______According to experts, a successful marriage is about give and take. According to women, a successful marriage is about give and Take Back. (funny marriage status)
_______Scientists have confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door. because her A$$ was definitely outta this world.
_______No matter how bad things get in your life, I want you to know that I'll continue giving you irrelevant advice instead of actually helping you.
_______Sweetheart, how can you say I don't love you anymore?? I never loved you in the first place!! (funny love status)
_______I have a sharp memory. I remember what happened last week as if it happened 20 years ago.
_______So I asked the driver to take a right once we reach station and he was all like, "This is a F**kin' train, a**hole!"
_______If you love somebody, hold them tight and squeeze them till they feel suffocated and die of shortness of breath... and if they don't let you... They don't love you back.
_______I wasn't hiding. I was just admiring the circumference of this pillar.
_______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place.
_______Everyday is a Monday when you don't want to work.
_______So this really hot woman tells me,'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' So I told her, "Yeah I do. But what I don't wish for her to be is a hooker like you
_______I often ask kids whether they prefer strawberry ice cream or vanilla ice cream.  99% of them reply, "Where's my mommy?"
_______Sorry I'm late... I made an origami sailors hat out of a Waffle House napkin and got promoted to head chef.
_______If you die while using a Mac, your life won't flash before your eyes because Apple no longer supports it. (funny Apple Mac status)
_______Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
_______The air here is fresh enough to notice that someone spoilt it (funny fart status)
_______so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
_______Just saw this Indian lady collapsed on the street... I was wondering whether i should press the red panic button on her forehead.
_______Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: Sir, have you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

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31 Funny, Witty and Hilarious status Updates

_______I am not saying your breath is bad, but last time I caught a whiff I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

_______Whomever came up with the slogan of "the quicker picker upper" for Bounty obviously never tried Adderall.

_______Dont judge me but I'm looking at a single corn seed in my hand and yelling- I HAVE A UNI-CORN.

_______Sometimes i find myself thinking about the profound complexities of the universe, galaxies, our solar system, nature and its forces,the wonders of quantum physics, then i ask myself,''why do men have nipples?''

_______My kids found my whip, my handcuffs and my mask in my room. So I just explained to them I was a superhero.

_______"Things change. Whether for better or for worse, we find out later - and that's a good thing, I suppose, because otherwise, either everything would change, or absolutely nothing." - Me, being all philosophical and shit.

_______Hey Blondy! you don't have to lick your finger to flip the page... on ipad

_______Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything.

_______I'm not wearing any makeup today, so I'm planning on getting a ton of "Are you okay?" questions.

_______I was in town today and a guy just wouldn't stop staring at me, so I squared up to him and asked what his problem was.  He quickly backed off, so I got back on my unicycle and continued juggling....

_______Writing "Happy birthday dipshit. Hope you choke on your cake because you never like anything I post" is a good way to get deleted. Who knew?

_______My boss told me that if I don't stop blasting 80s metal music at work he was going to start Dokken my pay

_______This status is going to be short because this toilet seat is cold

_______I started doing the Insanity workout today and I have to say if you believe that you are crazy

_______Forgive me Facebook for I have sinned. It has been over 30 minutes since my last update

_______The nice thing about no one reading your posts is you can whatever the f**k you want to say

_______I entered a contest to have dinner with the cast of Twilight. I hope I win so I can piss off their fans when I don't show up

_______I wanted to post something pragmatic here but I am not sure that is even a real word

_______My vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever

_______How many times am I supposed to let my coworkers phone ring when he doesn't answer it before I drop it in a glass of water

_______Stalking people is so much harder in the winter. Their windows fog up so much easier and they can see my breath from behind the tree.

_______If you've never flipped on and off a light switch while making thunder noises... then you weren't at my first rave party at my house in 1986.

_______I'm watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.

_______Move along... just a guy saving money for a vacation... move along

________Learn to say no, after your tenth pizza slice that is.

________Even Bad Luck Brian appears happy in the meme after all that he's gone through and you think you've got problems.

________The sun feels sorry for you. please stop blaming it for wearing sunglasses indoors.

________Watching half-naked men hug each other and lay down to cover one another only to decide who did it better is NOT what WWE is all about.

________Please to park your car elsewhere! Can't you see my groceries are resting there?

________Stop posing in front of a mirror. Believe me nobody ever got famous for laughing at their own reflection while capturing a brilliant moment.

________Every other individual is ruined by facing the mirror with a phone, faking a smile and dying afterwards.

________Give man a pizza and he'll add ketchup and make it a dessert.

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30 Funny Witty and Hilarious Statuses

_______If it doesn't kill you...............it only needs to be made stronger!!

_______the only time i did window shopping is when i wanted to buy a window

_______Some people are as pointless as the second window at McDonald's

_______Not only do I stalk your page, at night you might feel a 'POKE'.

_______I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

_______Only one more 250 lb. fat chick until I can truthfully say I've been with a ton of women!

_______I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations.

_______My wife said I don't listen and a whole bunch of other... somethin.

_______Whenever you feel sad... just remember somewhere in the world there's an idiot trying to pull open a car door handle as it's being unlocked.

_______I really was gonna jog at the park this morning....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few puffs and cheered the joggers on, instead.

_______Most of you, like waking up in the morning, to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received.   I like waking up in the morning....to see..... WTF I posted!

_______If Plan A and B fails... don't worry! Just go to Plan F and U.

_______My fantasy football team is all cheerleaders.

_______That awkward moment when you log onto facebook and it says 9:30 pm... you look two minutes later it says 12:45 am.

_______I'd make a joke about the post office but you won't get it for 3-5 business days.

_______Well, I've had an evening so enjoyable that I honestly couldn't give a flying f**k how yours went. (Sarcastic status)

_______I think classical music was created solely for making murders feel a lot cooler..

_______I've just bought this new digital camera and none of my pictures come out wonderful....................being ugly sucks

_______"Liking" your post doesn't necessarily mean I agree with the status... sometimes it just means "Look at how stupid this person is."

_______I never panic during a crisis because most of the time I'm the cause.

_______I thought my husband was cheating on me with another woman. He's not, though, it's still the same woman.

_______My apologies for not being on Facebook yesterday...I was watching this chic trying to parallel park.

_______Medication is easy, it's the prescription that's the hard part

_______This Christmas I'm going to give the gift of laughter and good cheer...but first I have to separate it into little plastic baggies.

_______My attention span is shorter than an Amish phone book

_______If at first you don't succeed then you're probably a pathetic loser.

_______I ain't afraid of no ghost. No? Well your double negative suggests that actually you are, you uneducated ghostbusting moron scaredy cat.

_______I'd like to see Dora get lost & have to blow some dude for a ride home.  Kids need to learn that not all adventures end with a happy dance.

_______Forgive and Forget?   I'm neither Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimers.

_______Anybody that believes there is no such thing as a free ride should see me at work.

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29 Funny, Witty, Hilarious Statuses

________When I see a flash mob in public I join in just to make it look like they didn't practice enough

________Finally learnt to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.

________Talent used to be measurement of gold. Now it is a measurement of YouTube hits.

________This guy got arrested for wearing a fanny pack. Apparently, you have to wear clothes underneath it.

________Whenever I see a classic car in a parking lot, I put a "for sale" sign on it with my ex's number...just because

________A suicide note is just a short autobiography

________I am not saying she is to blame but a lot of bad things have happened since Martha Stewart got out of prison

________It's all fun and games until you lose your memory, then it just becomes a game.

________I've realized being optimistic will not solve all my problems, but it sure can annoy enough pessimists to make optimism worth it.

________As I was listening to myself sneeze, I realized it sounds like "eh choo" not "ah choo" so I think maybe my sneeze is Canadian?!?!

________This one time... I bought a lamp from china before I realized it was just some dude in a rice paddy hat sitting on a baby elephant.

________This one time I roller skated on my hands and hi fived everyone with my bare feet.

________I find it's best not to ask if things can get any worse unless you're up for the challenge.

________If any of you would have told me 25 years ago where I'd be today, I would have said get out of my face you cruel, sadistic non-psychic bastard.

________Calls my pharmacist my drug dealer because it just sounds more exciting...and my life is way boring.

________Hot pugtato is a party game that involves players gathering in a circle and tossing a pug to each other while music plays.

________If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"

________I refuse to use any product associated with animals, which is why I've stopped buying that Dove soap.

________I brought my sick sense of humor here because, well, I don't have any health insurance.

________Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic

________FYI..If your back starts to itch really bad when you're standing at the urinal, never, ever, ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.

________First time I met my old girlfriend she said she was bi. I couldn't think of anything sexier. Until I found out she meant bipolar

________I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have mixed feelings about it.

________Then there are those people who need such structure and daily routine in their lives that they have to plan to be spontaneous.

________I told this girl I met tonight I'm rubbing your legs to keep the mosquitoes from biting you ;)

________Me and my buds just finished igniting the last of the fireworks, we had left over from the 4th. We were like; HIGH FOUR!

________Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and you're probably in the Mafia.

________My girl said she's leaving me because I never make any sense...and that's why I don't like lettuce.

________A retard...What do you call that person who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the status?

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28 Funny, Witty, Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of "your"!

_______When life hands you lem... *slips on a banana peel*

_______Sometimes you dream about people, not because they are in your heart but because they are on your hitlist

_______I'm glad that after 20 years of marriage I can still make my wife smile and be happy, mostly when I leave for work

_______My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

_______Hmmm it's a nice rainy day....I should wear white, do my hair, wash the car and water the yard today.

_______I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i'm the one

_______Remember that really funny status you posted yesterday ? Yeah, me either...

_______Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn't know you...

_______You get a great sense of achievement when you accomplish things....so I heard anyway.

_______Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

_______My hubby thinks I spend too much time on Facebook. Don't worry, you guys. My next husband won't mind.

_______I need your advice. I'm not insecure, am I?

_______You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."

_______My girlfriend is soooo awesome. Attractive, funny, good-natured, kind ... I know my wife and her would get along fabulously if they met.

_______I'm at my sexiest, when I'm standing next to someone really unattractive....

_______By the time I'm done, if a picture of my liver doesn't end up in a medical college textbook in the Cirrhosis chapter, then my time here will have been wasted.

_______How many light bulbs does it take to change people? Especially the ones that need to see the light.

_______THIS protein bar doesn't taste like protein. I know what protein tastes like.

_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.

_______Bananas turn black and blue because the secretly practice boxing while we're sleeping at night..

_______After a lot of visits from the Stork your favorite bird becomes the Swallow.

_______My secret to success? Embracing my failures, loving them and calling them success. Pretty easy!

_______The phones we have nowadays are pieces of shit. Try to use them for just a little while and the batteries die. If you drop them the screens crack. F**k this, I'm going back to using a brick as a phone.

_______I'm only poking you back out of politeness....

_______All my statuses are original, I'm just not the one who came with them.

_______I knew from the first time I saw her that she was my soulmate, but my wife seemed to think otherwise.

________It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.

________Shifting your focus can change your perspective and open you to new ideas. So can drugs

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27 New Funny and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______Eats my cereal in a cup and my cup of noodles in a bowl because I'm a rebel like that

_______I'm deleting the word common sense out of the dictionary because it just doesn't exist.

_______If you hide me in your news feed might as well unfriend me too.

_______They say 'fake it till you make it'. This panel interview has been going downhill from the second I told them I'm not 'really' a Harvard MBA Graduate.

_______If she's pretty and single.................she's a f**king psycho.

_______Of course I wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole, I would imagine that a 10 foot pole would be heavy and unwieldy to try to maneuver

_______I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

_______I'm still on MySpace because, hey! I'm no quitter.

_______I wish I was this incredibly hilarious in real life.

_______What with everyone coming out of the closet nowadays, I find it ironic that the one place that homophobes might feel 'safe' nowadays is in the closet.

_______I'm gonna put a maxi pad on your mouth because they absorb odors in seconds.

_______Roman numerals are stupid. Trust me, my X was not a 10

_______My boyfriend said he didn't want to see me anymore so I stabbed his eyes out.

_______Sometimes I click 'like' because I like your post. Other times, I click 'like' because your post is like every other post I've ever seen.

_______I have decided I'm not going to focus on my past any more. So if I owe you money, tough shit...

_______I know that Lucky Charms are magically delicious.......But I think mushrooms would give them a run for their money.

_______I don't think that you are responsible enough to have a puppy until you have raised at least 2 children....

_______Whenever I run into an ex....I try to make sure no one else is around...because I pay ENOUGH for car insurance.

_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.

_______I think I should have just kept you as my fantasy....you were better that way..

_______How to get rich, but not have a job..... Crap, this isn't Google search

_______I'm not a professional astronaut... but I can wear a fish-bowl on my head and do the moon walk for like an hour and half.

_______When I call you at 2am to ask "What you are up to"...you can safely assume that TALKING is the LAST thing I want to do.

_______Snitches get stitches....which also means that they APPARENTLY get a better insurance provider than me.

_______Balanism becomes a right pain in the a** after a while.

_______Telling a man that you want to have his baby...is a tender and romantic way...of letting that chatty mini mart cashier know...you are DONE talking.

_______Whenever I am driving past a school bus stop packed with kids...I ALWAYS make sure to slow down...cause I will BE DAMNED if I don't get asked to prom at least ONCE before I die.

_______Falling in love with someone you CAN'T have..is a GREAT indicator that you are visiting the WRONG human trafficking website.

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26 Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Clever Facebook Statuses

_______I always knew I had something special that attracts women towards others men

_______I correct your spelling in my head while you're talking.

_______"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." ~ people who have never seen a jumping spider probably

_______I almost made it the entire day without washing my hair under the Slurpee machine at 7-11.

_______Every year my clothes seem to shrink while simply hanging in the closet.

_______Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.

_______I reckon I must have said ''I don't give a f**k'' in my head at least twenty times today.

_______Marriage is like this post... which is also stupid.

_______You certainly seem to have an inordinate amount of drama in your life for a person who spends 15 hours a day on Facebook....

_______If I have learned anything from personal experience, it's that I haven't learned anything from personal experience.

_______If I had known that the carhops at Sonic could skate that fast I would have never stolen my lunch!

_______I'm sorry I ate your Packers cheesehead hat... I think it's pretty self explanatory.

_______Now I totally get it Doors. Break on through to the other side was about single ply toilet paper right

_______Girl you gotta be a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls...cause you make me wanna bang you on the counter

_______The best part to being unemployed is getting to hangout with all of the senior citizens doing cross word puzzles at McDonald's in the morning.

_______Catch a grenade for you? Step in front of a train for you? Bruno Mars isn't being romantic.He is showing signs of being suicidal.

_______If anyone tells you that you put too much Parmesan cheese on your pasta, ignore them. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life.

_______Me and my girlfriend had an argument last night when I dropped an ice cube and kicked it under the icebox. Now things are OK because it's just water under the fridge.

_______Have I told you about this incident where I am awesome and everyone else is a b!tch?   ~ how a lot of people should start describing their stories!

_______It's like no one cares that I spent all weekend making a Lincoln Log house out of dried up dog poop.

_______I plead the 5th..... For you. I'm begging you to just shut up!

_______You know, you can tell me anything, I never listen to you anyway so it won't make any difference what you say.

_______I'm a member of an Asian gang... or more commonly known as...a study group.

_______Whenever my kids drink out of my water bottle, I never look at it the same again.

_______This one time, I spent like eighteen hours watching a fly putting in contact lenses.

_______I wonder is it possible to be orgasmed to death...

_______I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

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25 Hilarious, Funny, Witty and clever Facebook Statuses

_______I made a list of people who can kiss my a** and you are on it. Twice

 _______If you can't teach your friend's kid to say bad things, you need better friends.

 _______I call it love, she calls it stalking. Can't we just agree to disagree?

 _______I don't like people talking about be behind my back, unless he's really hot, calling my name and pulling my hair..

 _______I bought a smartphone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

 _______I bought a gun because I heard looks can kill, I need to defend myself from my ugly looking neighbors.

 

_______I'm not fat, I'm just big boned. Who am I kidding, I'm just glad my small brittle bones haven't broke under the weight of all this fat.

 _______You should be happy when there's a fat person on your flight. In cases of emergency we can be used as flotation devices.

 _______I like my kisses down low....

 _______I like to pretend my hand is yours when I'm touching myself.

 _______I'm going to eat her cat, if you know what I mean.

 _______I don't take crap from anybody because well if you handed me crap that's pretty gross....weirdo

 _______My father ran out on us when I was just a little girl. I suppose that's what happens when your mum marries a battery.

_______I reckon I can tolerate most anything ... but that caps lock thing has got to go.

_______BREAKING NEWS: I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I'm keeping it.

_______Ladies; you need to practice giving head frequently if you really wanna suckseed.

_______I have never seen so many people proud to have haters in all my life..

_______I hate it when people use the phrase "Back in my day."... It's just so "old school."

_______My mom don't understand me! My dad don't understand me! Even my sister don't........... oh wait! Wrong house! I don't have a sister.

_______Stealing statuses is the sincerest form of internet flattery. With that being said, I'm damn tired of flattering all of you people and nobody flattering me back!

_______Whatever gas tank quit your whining. I've been empty inside for years.

_______Kinda hard for me to tell anymore, if I'm on 'The Food Network Channel' or Facebook! :(

_______I want to find a girl who loves me for my money..... but doesn't understand math...

_______I'd imagine doing yoga is like changing your clothes in the backseat of a compact car.

_______I'm about to make the biggest announcement of my life..........Nah. Changed my mind.

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24 Legendarily Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Epic Facebook statuses

______I'm not a professional helicopter pilot... but I can strap myself to a ceiling fan and spin around on the highest setting for like 45 minutes.

 

_______I always look the other way when my dog does "his business" 'cause, you know, he needs a little privacy while he pays bills and takes care of his banking and stuff.

 

_______I'm going to walk a mile in my own shoes thank you very much.

 

_______As I stood there recording my microwave meal, I suddenly realised that 'remove cardboard and film' meant something else....

 

________Too many human piñatas, and me without a bat...

 

________It's a beautiful day to go outside and stare at your phone.

 

________I tried to order "The Ultimate Dallas Cowboys Fan Guide" off of Amazon to give to a friend. A message from Amazon popped up that said "customers who bought this product also bought "How to Act Like a Total Douche for Dummies."

 

________You know you're gonna have a interesting day when you place both contacts in the same eye, and then realize that you don't even wear contacts.

 

________ENOUGH WITH THE RAINBOWS! You're gay, we get it!

 

________Jehovah's Witnesses don't like it when they ask if you have a relationship with God and you say, "Only when I'm having an orgasm''

 

 

________They say "its the thought that counts", I don't think my bank understands the concept.

 

 

________You know that feeling you get when you KNOW you are about to get laid? Can someone describe that to me? I heard it was pretty exciting.

 

________Two things that will always be there for you when you fall, the ground and the floor.

 

________where I'm from, if walks like a duck and talks like a duck, we steal it.

 

________They say a lady should look at herself in the mirror before going out and remove one piece of jewellery. For me, it was always my wedding ring.....

 

________If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.

 

________I think it's nice that we have this day to to recognize, and celebrate fools, because there are so bloody many of them.

 

________If you see a porcupine in your yard, don't panic, that's just my cat. We're not done with our acupuncture session yet, so I'd be much obliged if you'd return him.

 

________You know you're about to have an interesting day when you look out the window and see a SWAT team and TV news crews barricading off the street in front of your house.

 

________This one time... I skipped school for like 12 years.

 

________Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram

 

________To be or not to be, that is........ Not a question at all. More like an ambiguous statement. William Shakespeare was obviously smoking something.

 

________Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible...

 

________remember the time I watched you shower? ..of course you don't.

 

______If you carry on speaking after using the expression 'needless to say...', I will attempt to dislocate your jaw with my elbow.

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23 Funny, Witty, Clever and Hilariously Epic Facebook Statuses

_______Just had to take the walk of shame... I'm now regretting having worn these f**king flip flops.

_______Whenever I hear a rap artist say "Do you know what time it is?"... deep inside I don't, but I act like I do.

_______Girl scout cookies make you fat, Thats why I just eat the thin mints.

_______The morning after pill.....is actually made of crushed up coat hangers......

_______You remember when you were little, how you used to pop the heads off the dandelions? (you know you did that)..... I wish I could do that to some people today.

_______My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god Herpes today in school...guess I should cross Harvard off of potential schools.

_______You know times are hard when daylight wants to borrow an hour on credit and pay it back 8 months later.

_______This would have been a good day to be a dog. I saw several butts I would like to have sniffed.

_______Whenever I visit someone in a hospital I always bring them fruit, fluff their pillows and steal their meds.

_______‎"Your grammar is perfect, your logic is flawless and I enjoy exclusively to thoughts of you"... an example of a perfect comment I've yet to receive....

_______I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

_______i guess i'm not so ready for a zombie apocalypse after all i just freaked out cause there was a spider really close to my chair

_______Through Facebook profile pictures I learned that many of the people I went to school with have morphed into cats, fish and cars.

_______I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached.

_______ When writing, lok out for lipography.

_______If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch.

_______Don't just assume anything...unless it's the position.

_______I'm looking for a strong, good man with naughty thoughts who's willing to get his hands dirty.... currently taking applications ....

_______I signed up for one of those online instant muscle building courses and sure enough in no time I was ripped...  ...off.

_______Don't get mad at me for peeing in your pool. I'm pretreating the jellyfish stings...oh...you have no jellyfish well how would I know that?

_______I just saw a cute old man struggling to get his suitcase on the elevator. I had to take the f**kin' stairs because that shit was taking forever.

_______Aaarghhh !!! every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place...Im sick of it....also I need glasses.

_______Not to be nitpicky, but for the sake of accuracy, your stupid inspirational Helen Keller quotes should probably include a f**k ton of typos.

_______ If you own one pair of Crocs... you own too many Crocs.

_______Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

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