_______I always knew I had something special that attracts women towards others men
_______I correct your spelling in my head while you're talking.
_______"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." ~ people who have never seen a jumping spider probably
_______I almost made it the entire day without washing my hair under the Slurpee machine at 7-11.
_______Every year my clothes seem to shrink while simply hanging in the closet.
_______Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
_______I reckon I must have said ''I don't give a f**k'' in my head at least twenty times today.
_______Marriage is like this post... which is also stupid.
_______You certainly seem to have an inordinate amount of drama in your life for a person who spends 15 hours a day on Facebook....
_______If I have learned anything from personal experience, it's that I haven't learned anything from personal experience.
_______If I had known that the carhops at Sonic could skate that fast I would have never stolen my lunch!
_______I'm sorry I ate your Packers cheesehead hat... I think it's pretty self explanatory.
_______Now I totally get it Doors. Break on through to the other side was about single ply toilet paper right
_______Girl you gotta be a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls...cause you make me wanna bang you on the counter
_______The best part to being unemployed is getting to hangout with all of the senior citizens doing cross word puzzles at McDonald's in the morning.
_______Catch a grenade for you? Step in front of a train for you? Bruno Mars isn't being romantic.He is showing signs of being suicidal.
_______If anyone tells you that you put too much Parmesan cheese on your pasta, ignore them. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life.
_______Me and my girlfriend had an argument last night when I dropped an ice cube and kicked it under the icebox. Now things are OK because it's just water under the fridge.
_______Have I told you about this incident where I am awesome and everyone else is a b!tch? ~ how a lot of people should start describing their stories!
_______It's like no one cares that I spent all weekend making a Lincoln Log house out of dried up dog poop.
_______I plead the 5th..... For you. I'm begging you to just shut up!
_______You know, you can tell me anything, I never listen to you anyway so it won't make any difference what you say.
_______I'm a member of an Asian gang... or more commonly known as...a study group.
_______Whenever my kids drink out of my water bottle, I never look at it the same again.
_______This one time, I spent like eighteen hours watching a fly putting in contact lenses.
_______I wonder is it possible to be orgasmed to death...
_______I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.
______I'm not a professional helicopter pilot... but I can strap myself to a ceiling fan and spin around on the highest setting for like 45 minutes.
_______I always look the other way when my dog does "his business" 'cause, you know, he needs a little privacy while he pays bills and takes care of his banking and stuff.
_______I'm going to walk a mile in my own shoes thank you very much.
_______As I stood there recording my microwave meal, I suddenly realised that 'remove cardboard and film' meant something else....
________Too many human piñatas, and me without a bat...
________It's a beautiful day to go outside and stare at your phone.
________I tried to order "The Ultimate Dallas Cowboys Fan Guide" off of Amazon to give to a friend. A message from Amazon popped up that said "customers who bought this product also bought "How to Act Like a Total Douche for Dummies."
________You know you're gonna have a interesting day when you place both contacts in the same eye, and then realize that you don't even wear contacts.
________ENOUGH WITH THE RAINBOWS! You're gay, we get it!
________Jehovah's Witnesses don't like it when they ask if you have a relationship with God and you say, "Only when I'm having an orgasm''
________They say "its the thought that counts", I don't think my bank understands the concept.
________You know that feeling you get when you KNOW you are about to get laid? Can someone describe that to me? I heard it was pretty exciting.
________Two things that will always be there for you when you fall, the ground and the floor.
________where I'm from, if walks like a duck and talks like a duck, we steal it.
________They say a lady should look at herself in the mirror before going out and remove one piece of jewellery. For me, it was always my wedding ring.....
________If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
________I think it's nice that we have this day to to recognize, and celebrate fools, because there are so bloody many of them.
________If you see a porcupine in your yard, don't panic, that's just my cat. We're not done with our acupuncture session yet, so I'd be much obliged if you'd return him.
________You know you're about to have an interesting day when you look out the window and see a SWAT team and TV news crews barricading off the street in front of your house.
________This one time... I skipped school for like 12 years.
________Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram
________To be or not to be, that is........ Not a question at all. More like an ambiguous statement. William Shakespeare was obviously smoking something.
________Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible...
________remember the time I watched you shower? ..of course you don't.
______If you carry on speaking after using the expression 'needless to say...', I will attempt to dislocate your jaw with my elbow.
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_______Just had to take the walk of shame... I'm now regretting having worn these f**king flip flops.
_______Whenever I hear a rap artist say "Do you know what time it is?"... deep inside I don't, but I act like I do.
_______Girl scout cookies make you fat, Thats why I just eat the thin mints.
_______The morning after pill.....is actually made of crushed up coat hangers......
_______You remember when you were little, how you used to pop the heads off the dandelions? (you know you did that)..... I wish I could do that to some people today.
_______My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god Herpes today in school...guess I should cross Harvard off of potential schools.
_______You know times are hard when daylight wants to borrow an hour on credit and pay it back 8 months later.
_______This would have been a good day to be a dog. I saw several butts I would like to have sniffed.
_______Whenever I visit someone in a hospital I always bring them fruit, fluff their pillows and steal their meds.
_______"Your grammar is perfect, your logic is flawless and I enjoy exclusively to thoughts of you"... an example of a perfect comment I've yet to receive....
_______I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).
_______i guess i'm not so ready for a zombie apocalypse after all i just freaked out cause there was a spider really close to my chair
_______Through Facebook profile pictures I learned that many of the people I went to school with have morphed into cats, fish and cars.
_______I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached.
_______ When writing, lok out for lipography.
_______If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch.
_______Don't just assume anything...unless it's the position.
_______I'm looking for a strong, good man with naughty thoughts who's willing to get his hands dirty.... currently taking applications ....
_______I signed up for one of those online instant muscle building courses and sure enough in no time I was ripped... ...off.
_______Don't get mad at me for peeing in your pool. I'm pretreating the jellyfish stings...oh...you have no jellyfish well how would I know that?
_______I just saw a cute old man struggling to get his suitcase on the elevator. I had to take the f**kin' stairs because that shit was taking forever.
_______Aaarghhh !!! every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place...Im sick of it....also I need glasses.
_______Not to be nitpicky, but for the sake of accuracy, your stupid inspirational Helen Keller quotes should probably include a f**k ton of typos.
_______ If you own one pair of Crocs... you own too many Crocs.
_______Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
