71 Funny Quotes

_______Listen...I need to know, who is spreading the word on how awesome I am?  (Being awesome quote)
_______Wonder which one of my rich friends in here are willing to send me some money.......I'm broke!! (money borrow quote)
_______Depression - this is when you login into Facebook see all the notifications and you do not know what to do.. (funny depression quote)
_______Kids today are so spoiled with all their electronic gadgets. I remember when all we had for entertainment was a black and white TV with rabbit ears and tin foil on top of the antenna. (funny entertainment quote)
_______Sometimes, late at night, I move the neighbors garbage cans to the middle of the road and laugh when the drunks swerve at the last minute to avoid them......  (drunk quote)
_______Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did......so plz drink all you can from now!!!! (drunk status)
_______I threw a stick at a squirrel...... Then we looked into each other's eyes and we laughed about how short that throw was...... (hilarious status)
_______Wow! I'm writing my name in the air, with these sparklers! Oh... It's over now. :(
_______Please don't annoy me! I've castrated everything on the farm. (funny annoying quote)
_______The best thing about marriage are the affairs. (affair status)
_______My dentist and I are working to bridge the gap...between my teeth (funny dentist quote)
_______I am thinking about showing my boss how hard I work in here to make all of laugh so I can ask him for a raise (funny boss quote)
_______If I was drunk.....you would be reading a much more funnier status right now (funny drunk status)
_______Please don't come over to my house and ask where things are, because I do not know! I JUST moved in two years ago!! (hilarious drunk quote tweet)
_______I've always loved telling jokes about distances...... but I've gone too far this time. (funny distance quote)
_______No, I probably don't want to go with you to a seafood place named Sam & Ella's.
_______I am too old for fighting. Mess with me and I will set your house on fire....and wait outside with a gun (funny fighting quote)
_______''challenge'' is my middle name.. Unless you wanna buy me a house or something..

_______These vegetables I have been eating lately taste like they have been in their wheelchair way too long (famous hilarious quote)
_______i am indrustable.. I am superman.. Ouch...!!! Papercut... Someone call 911! (funny superman quote)
_______I just spent the last one hour sweating, panicked, hyperventilating, NEVER forget your phone at home.. That's some scary sh*t!  (funny phone status)
_______Just enjoyed watching a street performance by the most convincing and dedicated mime artist I've ever seen. He finished acting out a heart attack six hours ago, and he's still lying there. (random funny quote)
_______Jealousy doesn't look good on you. What does jealousy look like? It looks like being envious of the mental patient who has a nice bathrobe. (famous funny quote)
_______Never let anyone put you down....That's my job ! (hilarious quote ever)
_______No, I didn't say you have cute dimples. I said you have a lot of pimples (funny dimple pimple quote)
_______I let a blind guy borrow money from me yesterday, he told me that he'll pay me back the next time he sees me WAIT!! ( ._.) (funny money borrow quote status)
_______I hate people that b!tch about everything they hate on Facebook, but yet they continue to get on Facebook. (funny Facebook lovers quote)
_______I think I might be posting too much stuff in here so today I will try to keep it down...to only 71
_______If you give me a speech about the dangers of my second hand smoke you might suffer from a first hand A$$ kicking. (funny smocking status)
_______Where I live gas prices have dropped 40 cents in 3 weeks but it still has not gone down as much as your Mom (you mama status joke)
_______They say Isaac causes national gas price high but not as much as I'm (Isaac status)
_______People think I'm crazy because apparently they always see me talking to myself....funny enough they wouldn't know that its myself talking to me (crazy quote status)
_______Was going to bake something but the recipe calls for 4 cups of water. Who the hell has 4 measuring cups? (funny recipe quote status)
_______NOTHING CAN MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR ERECTION QUICKER THAN A PHONE CALL FROM YOUR MOTHER
_______your stupidity controls my fist (shortest sarcastic quote)
_______Well kid lemme put it this way...If you still like her after a w*nk, she's the one. (funny kid wink quote status)

_______This girl I met said "My hobbies are gardening and music"... so I was all "That's great, why don't you plant your tulips on my skinflute" (best famous funny love quote status)
_______This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face (funny future punch quote)
_______That frustrating and awkward moment when... you realize that you’re never going to get the damn garden hose to ever roll back up in its original shape. (funny awkward moment quote)
_______last night I was walking a girl home until she turned around and saw me (stalkers status)
_______Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick.. (funny honesty quote)
_______Life would be so much easier if blessings stopped wearing disguises... (funny disguises quote)
_______"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid... (stupid quote)
_______I just got a free bluetooth. I was chewing on the end of my ink pen and it broke open (stupid bluetooth quote)
_______People say I'm sarcastic but I'm just investigating the effects of irony on morons.. (best sarcastic quote ever)
_______And for my next trick, I'll attempt to pay these bills with absolutely NO money in the bank. (funny bill quotes)
_______I wouldn't really say I'm lazy.....everyone has their choices and I just choose to do nothing most times (funniest hilarious lazy quote)
_______I wonder if you used your last nerve to get on my last nerve? Cause man I tell ya, you got your nerves! (funny getting on nerve quote)

_______I really need to jump off this computer and log out of Facebook just so I can jump back on Facebook on my cell phone (funny Facebook addiction quote)
_______"You don't have to live like a refugee. If you don't like it, leave" - Tom Pettys Refugee Camp (funny refugee quote status)
_______When I think about you, I touch myself, and when I say touch myself, I mean scratching my head trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you (funny love quote)
_______I have about decided that facebook is primarily a site where people who are completely screwed up come to lie about how great their life is and people who have it made come to lie about how screwed up their life is (funny Facebook reality)
_______My oldest son just said "mother-f**ker" when he dropped his iPhone ... and I yelled "present". (funny iPhone quote)
_______In my constant effort to improve myself, I started to make a list of all the things I learned througout my life....Why is this page still blank? (funny life lesson quote)
_______I can take a joke, but I can't take it if you take my joke! (funny piracy quote)
_______My 'real' friends keep asking me if I've got a job, because I'm ''never'' on Facebook anymore...
_______3.6 Billion women in the world and not one of them are naked in front of me right now! That just isn't right.. (funny stupid desire)
_______I have no idea how old I am.. I stopped caring after 21 (funny caring quote)
_______I was in the passenger seat of a car on the motorway... Then I thought, Where the f**k has the rest of the car gone? (funniest quotes)
_______The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled. (funny landline phone quote)
_______I just fell over and I think I broke my collar-bone. ROF.
_______People who point out the mistakes in my posts are the typo people I want to pinch in the throat (funny typo quotes)
_______Apparently 'Better late than never' is not the right thing to say at a funeral (funny idioms)
_______I was walking in the park earlier and saw this beautiful lark singing in a blossoming cherry tree and it made me think about how petty life's problems really are. Then I went home and told that story to the people chained up in my basement who keep b!tching about how hungry they are. (awesome funny event quote)
_______You know the drinks are getting to you when the girls at the bar pay you no attention and you think they are playing hard to get. (funny bar girls quote status)

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57 Funny Quotes

_____"THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR"...not with that attitude I won't (funny cops quote)

_____A friend of my was recently hacked...It was sad seeing her head roll down the street. (hacking quote status)

_____Sometimes you guys don't know when my posts are funny, but that's ok. (stupid quote)

_____I've been sober for 136 days now.. not in a row but still  (funny sober quote)

_____Is thinking, I need to check the sights on my gun because every time I shoot a bullet, I miss it (funny inspirational quote)

_____Saw my neighbor's been struggling with a mole problem in his yard... So I decided to help him out and burned his house down! (famous funny inspirational quote)

_____Damnit woman... don't touch me there, you're not my uncle.

_____i have slept around alot.. specially due to my huge stuff toy collection (awesome funny quote)

_____i so want to smack someones' face on the desk.. coz i am tied smacking my own.. ~ mood on Mondays' (funny quote about monday)

_____I'm sorry... You lost me after 420 characters. (420 quote)

_____When I have an erection that last more than 4 hours I call your mom (funny yo mama quote)

_____Trying to go to sleep but I cant...your mom keeps snoring too loud! :/ (your mom quote)

_____Based on the size of the guys on Pawn Stars I bet I can get a lot for this cheeseburger

_____You should be honored. If your mom wasnt so hot I wouldnt be bragging about it

_____task for the day - let monday screw me left; right & centre.. (funny quote about monday)

_____I don't always drink beer but when I do I get more f++ked up than the economy (funny quote about beer and economy)

_____An eye for an eye would be cool... if I was a f*cking pirate or at least looked good with an eye patch!

_____The end to a great weekend came faster than your mom last night  (funny yo mama quotes)

_____I don't have a steady girlfriend........Probably because she has Parkinson's (funny quotes about Parkinson)

_____I'd like to dedicate this status to all the statusless people out there....you know who you are.Hang in there...We're all here for you. (famous funny status)

_____Whats the difference between anything and your mom? I am not doing anything right now (great funny insulting quote)

_____When I'm in a really long line I notice all the super skinny people and I start to feel fat. But as the line gets shorter, I lose wait

_____I want uncertainty and I want it now!!! or maybe later, I'm not sure. :( (uncertain quote)

_____i wish everyone would have been all acceptable to the idea of me ruling the world as much as i am. (funny ideas quote)

_____Whoa! Just because I stalk you... doesn't give you the right to talk to me! (funny quote about stalking)

_____Me and my girlfriend decided to commit suicide together...and guess what...once she'd killed herself....things suddenly looked a lot more positive at my end. (great funny quote status)

_____i would have come up with a few good posts, but i am busy dragging myself through this bloody Tuesday (funny quotes about tuesday)

_____If my neighbors don't stop yelling I am going to put my clothes back on and get off the roof (Awesome funny quote)

_____Never trust anybody that won't lie for you. (great famous quote)

_____Just belched and smoke came out... So yeah, my super power is a dragon.

_____Just to let you know, I'm gonna be bending over soon if you keep giving me 'that' look....

_____I dnt know how people get addicted to wrong things.......I've been doing  it everyday since I was a boy and I'm not addicted (Awesome funny quote)

_____I got fired from my job as an announcer at train station....All I said was "If anyone has lost a small kid, he has been found on platform no 1, 2 and 3."  (short funny joke)

_____I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!  (funny status post)

_____You wont believe, I just saw a butterfly with a whore's tattoo on her back...above her a** crack. 

_____Going to be a great day...made it out of the shower without drowning.  (famous funny quote)

_____‎i don't like the way matter looks at me.. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.. (Great funny quote)

_____Spooning leads to forking. Incompetent forking has been known to lead to knifing. Errr....Stay out of my cutlery drawer if you know what's good for you.

_____I make my own sammich and masturbate because if you want something done right you have to do it yourself 

_____You know when your old when an etch-a-sketch is easier to use than an Ipad. (the punchline)

_____Was getting ready to have my review at work today... I just wrote THEM a check and said "See ya tomorrow!" :)  (best funny quote status)

_____If I ever get rich, I will start a fortune cookie company and I will hire some of you to write messages for my fortune cookie company

_____There is a fast food place called ChikFillet. Well I am opening one called ChickFiller. Its in my pants and its all you can eat (the oneliner punch)

_____In case no one has noticed I am about 69 degrees beyond crazy  (Famous funny quote)

_____I googled the word sexy and it said see mirror for details (great funny quote)

_____If I owned a store and had to close it due to the bad economy I would have a Thanks For None Of Your Business sale and tell everyone to f**k off when they came in (short joke)

_____Sometimes I'm an as*hole but thats just my opinion (funny opinion)

_____OMG! This womans camel toe is so big it looks like someone hit her with a machete (funny camel toe quote)

_____When you are sad just sit on a happy face. You will be smiling in no time (funny inspirational status

_____I just saw a really hot chick walking down the street so I gave her a bottled water and told her to stand in the shade for a while (short joke)

_____I worked at Burger King for one day and quit. I kept the uniform though. Now I get free soda for life (funny burger king quote status)

_____Rigged my sprinkler to my doorbell and have two of them aimed at my front door. Cant wait for a Jehovahs witness to stop by (funny quote about Jovah's Witness)

_____Uno, dos, tres and quatrro are the only words I understand in a Pitbull song (funny quote about pitbull)

______I hate when I hold the door open for a woman and she still wont get in the back of my van (i hate quotes)

______I put flour and yeast in my yard yesterday so I will be raking in the dough today

_____Lets play farmer. You choke my chicken and I will check you for eggs (famous funny quote)

_____Never beat around the bush with a woman. If you are that close just stick it in (great famous funny quote)

_____I tried to get some road head but she kept saying it was just a test drive and against company policy


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44 Funny Quotes

_____I was thinking about when I met my wife. I'll never forget the first thing she ever said to me. " Stop following me, you f**king freak!!!"  (short joke)

_____I poked your mom today. Then I logged on to Facebook (funny facebook quote status)_____Wonders if when I'm about to go to sleep, the people in my dreams shudder and think, "oh no, she's back again!" 
_____I'm the kind of friend who will give a person a hug when they need it and a swift kick in the a** when they need it and I feel that the latter is more often needed. 
_____I'm going to succeed in business without really trying. By succeed, I mean fail, and by trying I mean taking a lot of naps. 
_____Facebook is like a men locker room at the gym. All the nuts hang out here (funny Facebook Status)
_____I'll go hiking with any woman if it leads to the trail head. 
_____You can tell by my calf muscles that I kick people while they're down. 
_____Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post. 
_____I overheard a woman telling her boyfriend that he spends too much time on Facebook. Then she got mad, because I was ignoring her. 
_____I am rich, good looking and hung like a horse. I just wish I could stop telling lies_____Barbra Walters has been arrested in LA for stealing kitchen utensils. She pleaded, "It was a wisk I had to take." (Funny Barbra Walters quote joke) 
_____It is impossible to send a hug thru the internet but if you send me a topless photo I will HUG myself 
_____No, I do not want to go to my school reunion, I have facebook, I can see that you've turned into a fat ugly b!tch..... 
_____My wife said she's leaving me because of my addiction to Facebook, I didn't comment, I just gave her a thumbs up. (funny wife quote) 
_____Being on Facebook is like being constipated. I cant seem to log out (funny Facebook status) 
_____I tried to chase my dreams... but realized I had a knife in my hand, so now they're scared of me. :( (funny dream quote) 
_____I once dated a guy named Mike who hated to be called Michael. Then I dated a guy named Dave who really hated to be called Michael. ;) 
_____I am not a stalker!!!! I just believe in extensively participating in the neighborhood watch program. (funny stalker quote) 
_____I single handedly prevented a mass murder at work today or I gave in a smoked a cigarette, ever how you want to say it. (funny smoking quote) 
_____I saw a sign in the store that said pants up to 80% off so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on :( 
_____ jealous of the toilet bowl because i hug it more then him :( 
_____This lady just told me that her coffee was superior to mine........ Well Latte Da! 
_____For the past year, I've been putting all my loose change into a piggy bank. Today, I smashed it open and I now have enough money to buy another piggy bank. Result. 
_____I've been buying way too much alcohol from the other day... I think I may have a really serious problem.. . I'm becoming a shopaholic 
_____Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle. 
_____Don't want someone to sit next to you on the bus? Easy. Just shit your pants. 
_____I'm going to stop asking people the proverbial question  "How stupid can you get?". Some people see it as a challenge. 
_____Make this conversation quick, I don't have all day, I'm a very busy person. And when you're done, close the door, so I can finish my nap. Thanks! 
_____I love all four letter words.....except STOP.... 
_____This lady asked me if I believe in reincarnation... Psst!, I don't even put cream in my coffee to begin with. 
_____I sneezed at my job earlier......... I then said Excuse me....I must be allergic to being good at my job. We all had a good laugh & went back to work...... 
_____What are you the wallfather? I will write whatever the hell I want! 
_____They say that watching fish has a calming effect but I been staring at this tuna casserole for like an hour and it has done nothing for my anxiety. 
_____What exactly is the geographical area where they laugh 'ahahah' instead of 'hahaha'? Do they chop off an 'a' or they add one? Or perhaps they read it backwards? These questions don't let me sleep.
_____My doctor told me you have 3 months left to live.  YAY! The governor told me that I was getting executed tomorrow!  In your FACE governor!!
_____Sometimes I forget that I'm not an actual king in reality......so that throat punch to the man in the liquor store for not bowing down to me was a bit probably over the edge

_____WooHoo! I just won $500 on a lottery ticket. I just knew buying 1000 tickets today was a good investment (funny lotto quote)

_____Whenever I'm questioning an important decision, I visit with my cardiologist. He always tells my heart is in the right place.

_____They say it is better to have loved than lost.....but if u ask me.........I'll tell u to fuck off and stop asking me questions!!!

_____Don't listen to what people say "Follow You Dreams"...unless you are a fat b!tch cos you won't be able catch up with it. (funny dream quote)

_____They say "misery loves company"...if that's true...where the fuck is my company?

_____I think tomorrow I will update my profile picture with a duck face picture of myself. :)

_____These tragic stories on the news would be alot easier to watch if the background music was the Benny Hill theme.

_____Your honor ,As far as I know, silence is consent.....and she didn't say ntn when I asked if she wanted to be locked up In my basement......................and I'm sure the duct tape over her mouth had nothing to do with it!!!!!

_____A pig with lipstick is still a pig. But for some reason, me with lipstick makes me the most popular guy in the entire prison.

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43 Funny Quotes

_____I don't get why my friend keeps talking about his "Trophy Wife". "Honorable Mention Wife" at best I think.
_____I tried to express my feelings with dance moves but no one understood me. Next time I will hire an interpreter 
_____I had somethin' good to say but.. well, I'm kinda baked. Yeah, mon! :) 
_____I was in a very committed relationship.. till my wife found out.. now.. not so much..._____My pet rock doesn't look too well today. I think he's stoned. 
_____I may not be a taxidermist but I will still mount your a** 
_____I am wearing a hospital gown and my wife is wearing a sexy nurse outfit because that is how we role-play 
_____I've found that writing 'I know you wanted to keep it a secret, but congratulations on your new baby!' on a random friend's wall really livens up a boring Wednesday night on the Net._____I post at least once a day... just to let my friends and family know I'm still alive. 
_____If you play the lotto while sitting down, you don't stand a chance. (funny lotto quote)
_____Somewhere in a parallel universe everything is side by side and the same distance apart.. (awesome funny quote status) 
_____I went to go jogging this morning, got all the way to the mailbox, and realized I was naked... and I had no where to put my cigarettes. 
_____It's a good thing that "Pokes" don't show up in the news feed... or your mom would be pissed! 
_____You guys should watch the Asian version of "How I Met Your Mother". It's a single episode called "I Met Her At Our Wedding". (How i met your mother quotes) 
_____I think it's been too long since I've gotten laid. I saw 262 clouds today and every single one looked like a you. 
_____I went to this fat lady and told her wow you're fat..she said tell me something I don't know..I told her:"salad tastes nice" 
_____I've just read a book on the tallest building in the world.......................................u should see people going all crazy trying to get me from off the top of there 
_____If you judge my personal life solely by how many Facebook event invites I receive, I look pretty f**kin' popular!!!!.... 
_____I am Mr. Right Now. True story :( 
_____I've decided that there's only one thing better than watching Nascar.......that would be not watching Nascar. (funny NASCAR quote) 
_____My boss is in a bad mood So I tried to lighten it. By holding her down and painting a white out smile on her face. It didn't work. 
_____I was beginning to get a bit drunk yesterday , at my 44th birthday party. Next year I'll stick to just the one , like everybody else 
_____why don't people stop posting their pictures in their workplace on facebook? Dear Strippers this isn't about you of course (funny stripper quote status) 
_____Bipolar????? NOOOoooooo...... I prefer the phrase "emotionally undecided". (bipolar quote status) 
_____Last night I was so high, I attempted to eat my bowl of fruity pebbles with a fork (Short jokes) 
_____I think those people that like to go out and feel the cool breeze and smell the roses and all that other nature shit ......have not yet discovered the internet and facebook!! 
_____Boss just told me I've been making a lot of bad decisions lately... I said, "It's probably just the alcohol talking." 
_____ I fell into a burning ring of fire, ya I was way to drunk for flaming shots._____All I want is a car horn that says f#ck you! 
_____I never pass up a chance to hold bees. Cuz you know, beauty is in the eye of the beeholder. 
_____Is it just me or does whenever someone says premature.....u just feel the need to quickly jump up and say 'ejaculation' 
_____Hey I didnt mean to say her nose is big ....I just meant to say that she could smoke a cigarette in the shower.
_____I should just strap my phone to my hubby's forehead just so it looks like I'm paying attention to him
_____In YOUR case, stupidity is genetic. Sooooo.... now, you really can blame YOUR parents. Hope I helped.
_____I picked up a hitchhicker for the first time today just to prove what a bada** I can be.
_____I have a friend that lost 2 legs at war, I always feel like an a**hole when I introduce him as a "stand up guy.
_____Mothers Day already? shit, I gotta think of a good gift for Mom! I mean, I know what I'm giving to your Mom on Mothers Day, but I really can't give that to mine.
_____Today at work I noticed a sign that said "Why Do You Go to Work?" Under it on the large piece of paper I wrote, "It's better than being waterboarded."
_____I am going to teach my son some of the important life lessons that my dad never taught me, and I learned the hard way. For example, do not jack into the same sock you will be wearing the next day.
_____There are no good statuses... No bad ones either... Just statuses... –Buddha
_____I completely humiliated my ex's new boyfriend. I made him look worthless, weak, and girly, like he wasn't even a man. Then I realized my ex had not arrived yet and I had wasted the whole thing ... damn premature emasculation.
______I misread my stupid lease and moved out two weeks before I had to ... I hate premature evacuation.
______Sometimes I look at the sky......marvel at its beauty.......and realize I passed out on the lawn again......
______I think it is really rude that people around here will not click "like" on my statuses just because they are not funny, clever or original.
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42 Funny Quotes

_____If your lover makes you an option in their life instead of a priority, it's time to consider other options. (funny love quote)
_____I would give more homeless people money but I'm always worried he'll just go blow it on sharpies and cardboard to make signs. 
_____ Redneck word.              Artichoke. Boy, that was a stupid thing to do I artichoke the living, mess outta you.
_____The UK government has suggested re-using bath water in the current "drought" which I've done but my cup of tea tastes terrible.
_____Who says I am no good at this parenting crap. My girlfriend was complaining that her son was still wetting the bed, the electric blanket should take care of that after he shocks himself a time or two.
_____Whoever came up with the advertising slogan of "Have a happy period!" should have a happy face drawn on their forehead. With bullet holes. 
_____my wife says i always embarrass her out in public  i don’t act weird or anything  its jus that i m hideously ugly!!
_____I don't mean to brag ladies, but I'm pretty much amazing in bed.....I can sleep for hours._____I have a dream that one day, all women will be judged not by their beauty, but by their ability of sandwich making.
_____Can't give a compliment anymore.. all I said was "nice tits" to a coworker. If he's gonna get so offended, then he should button up his shirt.
_____am not gonna buy Samsung Galaxy SIII since its a bit thicker,slower and smaller than Galaxy S4. (funny samsung SIII quote)
_____It's not true that all I think about is myself. Sometimes I think about you thinking about me._____My coworkers thought is was so nice that I wanted to sign Ms. Knowitall's going away card.  "Good Riddance B!tch" kinda snapped 'em back to reality. :) 
_____Sometimes when you turn over a new leaf, you may realize it's been lying on a huge pile of dog shit.
_____The only way I could ever love you more is if you were me. (funny love quote status)_____My foot's about to become a huge part of your a**'s life
_____I told an off color joke at work, and my coworker called me a racist.....I wonder how he knew that I love marathons and biking?
_____If u couldn't tell by how I talk, or how I walk I'll go ahead and wear v neck t-shirt 3 sizes to small just to tip you off.  - Gay Dudes
_____I donated a kidney last week... OK it wasn't mine but still 
_____I was bored while taking a shit so I grabbed this shampoo bottle.. but the damn security at the supermarket threw me out before finishing it
_____I sat behind two girls who were complaining about shy guys and how much work it is to deal with them. I would've said something, but.....Yeah!!!
_____Nothing beats getting paid to do nothing.  (awesome funny quote)
_____Wow, eating Lucky Charms out of your "bowl"... really is magically delicious! ;)_____Sure I think you have great legs but honestly baby those are the first things I get out of my way. 
_____I had to break up with my Chinese Girlfriend, I never get satisfied. Every time I went down on her, I was hungry 30 minutes later.
_____my boyfriend thinks i do everything in extremes.. Shall i agree for a lesbian threesome or burn down his house.. I dont know!! :-/
_____Kind of person I have turned myself into I don't expect no likes on my posts. Unicorns don't.
_____My girlfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove her wrong?_____when she said, "I can drink you under the table!" I thought she was offering me a Bl0wj0b and that's why my pants are down, Officer.
_____I went to a theme park yesterday... the theme was h0rny single mothers
_____I don't always practice safe texts but when I do, I'm usually on public transit.
_____I don't commute to work, I pilot a fighter jet and the cruise and volume controls on my steering wheel are missile launchers.
_____I really need to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up because I'm 100% certain this job ain't it.
_____I fuggin hate these two types of people in the world 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words that aren't actually there.....2) Hippocrites. 
_____I've just ordered the personal number plate 'BAA BAA'....I'm sure it will look cool on my Black Jeep. 
_____With the present economy, bread and water is the new steak and wine. (funny economy quote)
_____When life gives me lemons I put my foot up its a**!
_____My rabbit died today... now its just "Some bunny i used to know"
_____I wish there was a way to notify the cars behind me that it's really not me, it's the a**hole in front of me!
_____My passive aggressive way of telling my co-workers to stop eating my food is putting up "missing" posters around our workplace with a picture of my sandwich on it..
_____OKIE.. I've stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer.. And another Facebook Night begins!
_____I have this condition which prevents me from going on a diet . . . I get hungry
_____I'm running for president... Write me in
_____I was talking to a chick in the bar last night. She said, "If you dressed better, got a shave and a hair cut, you'd look hot."  I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

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31 Funny Quotes

_____ Taking an extended break from Facebook. Be back in 15 minutes  (Facebook addiction quote)
_____ I'm not a fan. Or a heater, or any other appliance, but DEFINITELY not a fan
_____I'm sorry, but the amount of alcohol I would have to consume in order to find you remotely attractive would actually kill me so
_____I try to "poke" you gently but, my mouse is dirty so I have to slam it!
_____There is about 1/8 of an inch difference between a friendly smile and a really, really creepy smile (funny smile quote)
_____The only reason I friended you was to get the extra likes on my statuses. Now, do your job or get replaced
_____Q: What's the difference between an idiot and a wizard? 
A: You're not a wizard (idiot wizard status joke)
_____Girls, if your boyfriend is more excited about valentine than you, he probably has a boyfriend (funny boyfriend quote)
_____I was going to work.......but then someone commented on my status!!
_____I'm like an Italian cruise ship captain in bed. Always the first to get off.. (funny Italian Cruise Ship Captain quote)
_____If you have no sense of humor and youre just going to report ppl all the time then b***h you should get the f**k out like a tittie on a drunk 18yr old at mardi gras!
_____This timeline thing is a killer! What's with the tiny pic in the corner of a gargantuan pic? I'm not stalking your profile to see what a sunset or mountain range looks like!
_____I'm so good...even my mistakes are perfect!
_____If I rub up against your post, do you think you can make it better?
_____If you're going to come in my office at night at least have the decency to slam the door so I can wake up and pretend i'm working
_____They fed me hope, but I vomitted up lies.
_____You know its a good status when you have more "likes" than minutes its been posted
_____I saw two of my exes talking… It’s a cuntspiracy
_____My wife seems to think she's the boss of me but once I've done the pots, washing, vacuuming, ironing and made coffee..... I'll show her who's boss.
_____Sometimes you've got it, and sometimes you're like me.
_____The first line of this status was not mine originally.
But this line is! :D
_____Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 800 friends on Facebook
_____I prefer men with very little self esteem...they are always much more grateful.
_____If I were flying a commercial jet due south against a head wind at 80,000 feet on a Wednesday at 7:15 pm with 212 passengers on board then what in the heck were the pilots thinking
_____I just want you all to know that when I read your posts, I read them in the celebrities voice you most remind me of
_____I put the ‘toast’ in ‘toaster’. Then I take the ‘toast’ out of the ‘toaster’
_____the best part about the day.. Giving hi-fy to urself looking in mirror.. Yay
_____If u fall off a horse dust yourself off and get a car
_____Waiting for my soul mate to suddenly show up into my life and start spanking me.
_____if you're a quitter go to twitter (funny twitter quote)
_____Well life just kicked me in the balls again...guess I'll stop dreaming about being president like they told me in grade school.
_____She said ''In Love No Thank You and No Sorry''..so I punched her in the kidney...and then on the face.


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25 Funny Quotes

____To stay as my kids leading role model, I changed the covers of their "Superheros" comic books, to pics of ME with the title of, "below average and happy"
_____Life's all about knowing how long to wait before liking someone's new status so they don't find out that you're stalking them. (funny life  
quote)
_____I have way better statuses then all of you here... I'm just too selfish to share any of them with you (funny facebook status)
_____None of your statuses are original..they are just statuses I haven’t thought of yet (funny status)
_____I can't understand why some people take "I hope you die a horrible and painful death, you fat, ugly twat" so personally (hilarious quote)
_____They say my dear that "absence make the heart grow fonder"........so what I am trying to say is.....get the f**k away from me (funny quote)
_____My phone keeps saying "out of service area" when in my lap. It's starting to sound a LOT like my ex-girlfriend
_____Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was too busy imagining you sitting on my face
_____I wish I had tits so people would at least act like they give a shit about what I say.
_____I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story
_____I don't like to send friend requests to anyone unless we have 30 or more friends in common, so if you still receive a request from me, you've got tits
_____I just couldn't wait to get here for thanksgiving so I can hear what everyone will say about why they're thankful for me (funny thanksgiving quote)
_____asked the gf what she wants for her bday, she said "Something that comes from the heart"...I dont think Blood is a proper bday present though
_____always thought patience comes with age

went to a hospital and realised patients comes with age
_____ It’s so cold I can’t even feel my penis…. Oh sorry dude I thought that was mine (funny cold quote)
_____ I am optimist.. you guys are half full of shit (funny optimist quote)
_____ It’s not easy being that humble when you have no flaws
_____ If I could just make one thing very clear at this point..................................... I would.
_____ ‎98% of all problems can be fixed with the common household hammer
_____ I can't believe I just spent 15 seconds of my life writing this useless status. Worse yet is the fact that I spend hours reading YOURS
_____ Sometimes when I’m having dinner I fantasize about other dinners
_____ Seriously I’ve been on facebook for quite a time and I’ve seen everything at least twice..even this status (funny status)
_____ My therapist told me that I have an ego problem…. oh yeah she wants me
_____ I'm not a hypocrite, I just want to punch people in the face so they don't make the same mistakes that I did
_____ I have huge balls - A bowler. (funny cricket quote)

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23 Funny Quotes

_____There's no feeling better that this warm air coming from your laptop on your crotch in this freaking cold weather. (funny winter quote)
_____I type my statuses slowly, so that some of you can understand them. (funny Facebook status)
_____I just read that prostate exams are only necessary if you’re over 40… my doctor has some good explaining to do (funny status ,joke)
_____If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar. (funny bar quote)
_____There's nothing that feels more like a slap in a face than someone swinging their open palm right into your cheek. (funny status quote)
_____‎"With" implies the feeling is mutual so 'technically' you're only in love AT me. (funny love quote)
_____My doctor asked me if i have a drinking problem. I said no. He laughed and said 'No, seriously.' (funny status joke)
_____You’re not the boss of me ~ me to my boss right after he fired me. (funny boss quote)
_____When someone asks you where the boss' room is, laugh hysterically then suddenly get back to whatever you were doing. Just to make things interesting. (funny boss status joke)
_____Today I am going out and making the world a brighter place. . . I'm going to throw lamps at people and tell them to "Lighten the F**k Up!! (top funny status quote)
_____Well i had a funny and witty status for the day but due to my terrible attention span i forgo - O SQUIRREL! , i wonder if i can catch him. (best funny status)
_____The worst part about being ME...?? well.. there is none.. i am AWESOME! (awesome status quote)
_____It's not that I hate you, but let's just say, if you were on fire and I had water in my mouth, I'd gulp it down. Unless I'd been drinking petrol. Then I'd just spit on you. (funny hate quote, joke)
_____‎"I can attribute quotes to anybody on here and nobody can prove that person didn't say it!" (funny status quote)
_____If a chick tells you she's "not like all the other girls"....she just proved she's exactly like all the other girls. (funny chick status quote)
_____The better my status, the more Facebook friends I lose. (funny Facebook status)

_____Unless you are alone, don’t ever laugh in the bathroom, it will make people think ur playing with yourself. (funny status quote)
_____I can't make you love me but I can get drunk and beat off to your voice mails. (funny voice mail  quote)
_____I liked you status and now 100 comments later, I hate you! (funny status quote)
_____I LOVE Justin Bieber. ~ People in my block list (funny bieber status)
_____I like my women like I like my windows 98... Always going down on me (top funny quote)
_____I always pull over to help a good looking girl with car troubles. I don't know anything about cars but I know how pornos start. (best witty status quote)
_____I am so broke...if it took .25 cents to get around the world...I could not get around the block! (best funny quote)
_____MARK MY WORDS!!!!!!! - me to my highlighter :) (top funny quote, short joke)
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22 Funny Quotes

____I listen to stranger's conversations and give my opinion... "does this dress make my butt look big?" "no but your butt makes that dress look big!" (best funny quote, status, joke)
_____Forget about wanting a *dislike* button added to Facebook. I want the ability to toilet paper someone's wall. (funny Facebook status)
_____I wish I lacked confidence & talent so I could become successful by kissing people's a$$e$ instead of working hard & earning it. (hilarious, witty quote)
_____I'm very concerned by the fact that I actually understand, and can somewhat relate to, the things you people are saying.(funny quote of the day)

_____You know how sometimes you spit while running and it’s perfectly normal? Well the guy on the treadmill next to me was annoyed (funny quote, joke)
_____A gallon of fuel cost more than my Crown and Coke at the bar, The world has now officially gone to hell. (top funny quote, hilarious status)
_____as long as its not in my a$$, I simply DON'T CARE! (hilarious ,witty quote, funny joke)

_____Please stand back I am a professional. I am a humor status specialist. (top funny quote, funny status, short joke)
_____I don't care if you call me a narcissist.. at least we’re talking about me (funny quote, status)
_____My status would be a lot funnier if I could do it in another font. (funny status, quote)
_____My doctor asked me if I was a heavy drinker.

Me: No.... I only buy a 6 pack 4 times a day.... it's lighter to carry that way.  (short funny joke, funny status)

_____I can never remember- is it two pills three days a week or three pills twice a day. Labels. (best funny quote , hilarious status)
_____If you're paying a penny for my thoughts you're paying way too much. (awesome funny quote)
_____I'm not 'unemployed', I just have earning difficulties. (funny unemployment quote , status)
_____You can't be ugly and mean...Be ugly and jolly or a gorgeous bi**h. (hilarious witty quote, joke)
_____Don't hate on me....because I have the balls to speak my mind (best funny quote)
_____Two things in this world speak of how many loads they can handle... Laundry detergent and pornstars. (witty quote, short joke)
_____The way this fly is rubbing its hand together I'm sure it's planning something evil  (witty quote, hilarious status)
_____I've found that left-handed people just aren't right  (funny quote)
_____I've been watching the TV for the past three hours... I think it's time to turn it on.. (funny TV quote)
_____This status is based on actual facts: you're an a$$hole  (witty quote, hilarious status)
_____Nothing reminds me how often I'm wrong more than the question "Guess what?!"  (awesome funny quote, best status, joke)

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21 Funny Quotes

____The probability of me having a Good Night is equal to the probability of you wishing me a Good Night.. (funny quote)
_____I don't care to date the most beautiful woman in the world.. I want the woman who makes the world the most beautiful to me (top funny quote, short joke)
_____‎3 Advice for Life

1- never be afraid to say what's on your mind

2- never be afraid to do what's on your mind

3- never take life advices from a facebook status .............. (funny status)
_____I want you to sensually harass me......... (best funny quote, status)
_____I'm nothing like a cat... I have 5 facebook accounts but no life     (funny Facebook status)
_____It would be great that before going to bed life asks us if we want to save the changes.... (funny life quote, status , joke)
_____I made many mistakes in my life recently..If you don’t hear from me soon... you are one of them (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____Just got some awesome wheels for the car! Gas is to high to drive it but I can only imagine how cool I'm gonna look when I push it to town. (Funny gas quote, status, joke)
_____I Always make sure to click like on my pics and statuses... I also enjoy a great self high five. (funny high five quote, status)
_____I have to go to court for stalking pretty girls like you - pick up line I will never use again..... (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____If I'm in a bar and a girl asks me where the bathroom is, I just point to my face and wink at them. (funny bar status, short joke)
_____It's physically impossible to be a sack of shit and a piece of shit at the same time. One must always choose wisely. (funny shit quote,status, joke)
_____Today I am thankful for involuntary hospitalizations and psychiatric nurses with no professional boundaries... (funny medical joke, quote, status)
_____Someone once asked me what I thought of apathy, I told them I don't much care for it. (funny apathy quote, status, joke)
_____I'm going to start carrying around a note book shaped like an eye. I've always wanted an Eye Pad.. (funny iPad quote , status)
_____I'm a gentleman. I'll file the restraining order myself.. (funny quote, hilarious status)
_____Girl at the grocery asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I replied "I don't care, I'm bisacktual". (witty quote)
_____girls don't listen to me, which is really frustrating when I'm trying to tell one that we're meant for each other. (best funny quote, witty status, short joke)
_____When my ex left me, she had a lot of junk in the trunk......it was all mine and now I don't have a trunk :( (funny ex quote, hilarious 
status)
_____  If you can't read my misspelled jokes and incorrect punctuated statements then too bad ....I'm still laughing. (funny status, joke)
_____My sense of humor is bein' shaped by people I never have to meet.. I wouldn't have it any other way. (funny quote status)

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20 Funny Quotes

____I'm so hot while cleaning the house I make the floor wet. (funny quote, funny status)

____Its 2:30 you know what that means? That's right... Its no longer 2:29...... (funny time quote, short joke)
_____I did everything on my to do list today. It started with nothing & ended with nothing & I did it all. (funny daily quote, funny joke)
_____A girl can go from a perfect 10 to a modest 4 by taking off her over sized sunglasses. (funny quote, funny status)
_____Well, I have more cavities than I thought....... those customs agents do a pretty thorough job :( (funny custom agent quote,joke)
_____You can tell a lot about a person by putting little video cameras throughout their house. (funny quote, funny status)
_____I don’t have trust issues, I just don’t trust you. (funny trust quote, hilarious status)
_____I was told to always speak my mind...but I was also told if I don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Do you see my problem here? (top funny quote, funny status)
_____This day couldn't possibly get worse - me, right before being called to work urgently, being pulled over by a cop for "accidentally" showing him the finger, and updating this status instead of using my one phone call to call my lawyer. (funny daily status, joke)
_____Today, I decided to face all my problems head on.. therefore unblocking everyone previously blocked. Let the games begin. (funny status, funny Facebook quote)
_____There is not ONE person reading this, right now, who doesn't need some sort of therapy (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____The thing about dignity and self respect is I don't have either, which is why I'm on f**king Facebook.. (funny Facebook quote)
_____Serious WARNING : Objects in pants are larger than they appear.......... (best hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____The dedication to work is inversely proportional to square of the distance to the deadline. (funny work quote, awesome quote)
_____I can't believe people still read the newspaper to find out how f**ked up people are.. I just log into Facebook. (funny Facebook quote, funny Facebook status)
_____My girlfriend asked me if I love Facebook more than I love her...I said, I'm sorry, but I don't talk to people who don't like my statuses. (funny Facebook quote, Funny Facebook status)
_____So. I got the boys together last night for a game of poker...........she was such a great sport. (hilarious quote, hilarious status)
_____‎2012 will be the end…of that theory (top funny 2012 quote, best funny quote)
_____Most people don't pay my bills so I don't give a shit about what most people do.  (funny bill quote, funny status)
_____My typical day: 1. wake up 2. realize I have so much to do I don't know where to begin 3. spend the rest of the day on Facebook....... (funny Facebook quote, Funny daily quote)
_____If being a friend was a job… you’re fired (funny friend quote, funny work quote)

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