74 Funny Quotes

_______Wow!! I'm really good at making people angry... is there a job for that? (funny job quote)
_______Apparently playing "YMCA" while DJing the amputee support group dinner wasn't very well received.
_______Now I'm not saying my girlfriend is unstable, but she sat her cat down last night and made it watch a PETA video with her to show him how good his life was. (funny quote about girlfriend and life)
_______Someday I'm gonna be rich enough to have my own facebook group ;p (funny status for Facebook)
_______Did you know that if you mix Tea and coffee together, it doesn't taste like Toffee. (funny stupid quote)
_______I like to learn as much as I can about a girl before asking her out, but these nights sleeping in a tree outside her window have been rough! (funny quote about stalking girl)
_______I am so proud of myself. I have not made one typo all day. (funny typo quotes)
_______You mean the world to me, I would be so lost without you, I think about you all day, every day, you taught me what true love is, you complete me tuna fish sammich with lettuce, tomato, swiss, pickles on toast, I love you........ (funny quotes about Love)
_______I am hereby nominating myself for the Facebook Humanitarian Award... for the multitude of times I have bitten my tongue, and chose to not post a searing, apt comment in reply to some of the inane, tasteless and downright stupid posts I've encountered...  (great funniest quote status for Facebook)
_______I TRULY, don't care, if YOU, "like".... My POSTS or not..... (funny Facebook post)
_______I love my music loud. It makes people STFU! (awesome sarcastic quote)
_______on a scale of 1 to 10, the answer of how much would I like to meet you is NO (funniest insulting quote)
_______80 years in a life time....now math that shit up. Most people work 8 hours a day....most people sleep 8 hours a night....that leaves 8 hours of YOU time, oh wait, minus 1 hour on the way to work, and 1 hour on the way home....so 6 hours a day of free time....that translates to only 13 years of life you actually live....DISGUSTING, isn't it? (disgusting life quotes)
_______So, Barack Obama is in favor of gay marriages. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny presidential debate quotes)
_______I hate it when I want a drink of water but am too lazy to get a cup so I just turn the kitchen faucet on and drink straight from the tap and then stand up and bust my scalp open on the kitchen cabinet.......again! (nice funny quote)
_______These gangsters that hang outside my place really make my neighborhood feel unsafe..... Old people can be such troublemakers! (funny gangster quote)
_______When I love someone, I love them forever and never them go.......Just ask the woman in my basement (funny quote about Love)
_______I went to the doctor today with severe headaches. He asked me if I'd suffer any memory loss. How the hell would I know? (funny memory loss quote)
_______It has been so long since I trained a puppy, I am actually gonna have to call my ex-girlfriend to see how I got her to behave in public. (funny quotes about ex)
_______You know, some of you are actually quite attractive. If I didn't read your timelines I'd have no idea why you were single. (funny quote status about single friends)
_______I like my napkin placed on my lap just so.. so it catches all my missed hopes and dreams..... (quote about hopes and dreams)
_______God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things... Right now I am so far behind I will probably live to be 200. (clever funny quote)
_______Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so. (funny living life quotes)
_______i don't like when people assume i have a heart, soul and dignity.. Misconceptions people develop.. (quotes about soul dignity)
_______In an effort to not intimidate people with my perpetual brilliance and dazzling wit, this status update is intentionally shite. You're welcome.  (brilliant funny quotes)
_______If I like your status, consider yourself hugged.... (funny romantic status)
_______If you are wondering where the funny people went I was at lunch (funny people quote)
_______My rib cage is very near and dear to my heart. (funny quote about heart)
_______I avoid apathy, boredom, doldrums, dullness, ennui, flatness, irksomeness, monotony, sameness, tediousness, tedium and weariness through the examination, inspection, perusal, review, scrutiny and study of my thesaurus. (awesome funny thesaurus quotes)
_______I just thought of something that really sucks.How are you? (best sarcastic quote status)
_______Just a note of warning: Do not forget the "L" when you google Grandfather Clock" (hilarious joke)
_______Better check up stairs to make sure (___) is not supplying the Y chromosome for your next brother (sarcastic insulting punch line)
_______I am a GREAT LEADER..........................................to the path of destruction!!! (funny leader quotes)
_______Those people that likes people comments under my posts and don't like my post......yeah you.........f the hell off!!
_______If you don't want to get it 'on', then why the hell did you make eye contact ? (funny quote about eye contact)

_______''Is it hot in here, or is it just me ?''........what I like to say when I walk into a room full of people who aren't hot. (funny hot quote)
_______I am not afraid of the storms that life throws my way for I am learning to sail my ship and I know I can seek refuge in the safe harbor of our friendship. (nice friendship quote)
_______The best thing about working tomorrow is I don't have to (funny quote for sunday)
_______‎'hello, can i help you?' No, i just stood in the line for 30 minutes to say 'Hi.' (funny help quote)
_______People who exercise often live longer, but those extra years are spent in the gym so really, what's the point (funny quote about gym exercise)
_______A girl told me I am cute like a puppy, so I humped her leg and bit her. (funny puppy quote)
_______The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. This is why I have no friends. (friends quote)
_______I post to inspire. So to the seven people who read my posts... I hope I inspired you to drop kick a midget or someone you hate, but hopefully a midget, cause that would be funnier.
_______My vodka just told me to smoke some weed, so I'm gonna... because my vodka has never steered me wrong. :) (funny vodka quote)
_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants. (funny pants quote)
_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed. (funniest inspiring quote)
_______We really need to start using this page for something more important... There are many critical issues in this world and we owe it to ourselves, to our communities, to our very SOCIETY to have intelligent discussions on relevant topics... So, with all this in mind... What's your opinion on b job ...
_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire. (quotes about LOVE)
_______I haven't got her number yet, but she likes my statuses a lot! (funny Facebook status)
_______Just sitting here quietly, looking out the window at a lone bird soaring in the sky, wondering to myself, what would happen if I died. Where would you get your witty statuses from.... (hilarious witty quotes statuses)
_______Attitude is everything. F**k off. (hilarious attitude quote)
_______So I am staying with this very beautiful one-in-a-billion girl, pretty eyes, always smiling. She cooks and cleans, makes me sammich, never argues with me. Her parents named her IMAGINARY. (hilarious imaginary girlfriend status)
_______There,they're and their are constantly being misused.to help people figure it out keep this in mind... See them hot chicks over THERE.I think THEY'RE sexy.I wish THEIR clothes would fall off   (funniest awesomest quote status for Facebook)
_______‎I always put periods in my posts... So the ladies don't feel left out and the gentleman know when to take a pause. (hilarious quote about period )
_______who over here is 36-24-36?? Coz i will be hunting you down and probably feed u McD till you put some weight..! Malnourished b!tches! (funny figure quotes)
_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar shit-monster peppered with mother f**king profanity? (witty status for Facebook)
_______Not everything I laugh at is necessarily funny. I just find it quicker and easier than explaining to people why they're complete and utter twats (best sarcastic insulting quotes)
_______A hot chick caught me watching her eat a banana, so she took a vicious bite out of it and spit it on the ground. I gave her the thumbs up. (hilarious eating a banana quote status)
_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (hilarious quote about heart)
_______I've been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it's all your fault.

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62 Funny Quotes

______I hope this doesn't make things 'weird ' between us, but sometimes I think of you, to get myself 'going'. (awesome status update)

______I hope fox news is the only media outlet to break the impending zombie apocalypse so all the libs get eaten first. (funny status update about zombie apocalypse)

______Who says there's nothing positive about a heroin addiction? I'll bet those bastards can open the hell out of a Capri Sun. (funny quote about Capri Sun)

______We all know that ONE person, whom we can rely on whenever we need them, who's got our backs, who would do anything for us no matter what......I am not that person.  (Famous funny status update)

______The awkward moment you tinkle on yourself a lil' bit (awkward moment quote)

______This razor/scissor/knife/axe/saw combo I invented is cutting edge 

______I'll scratch your back if you throw me down on mine.

______I knew I had this one in the bag the moment she told me that her favorite Duke Boy was Uncle Jesse. (funny quotes about Uncle Jesse)

______So, based on the new movie John Wilkes Booth was a vampire right? Just trying to help my son with his history paper. (funny quotes about John Wilkes)

______That weird moment when you realise you won't be able to pay your prostitute for her services. (the weird moment quote)

______Go ahead and lower your expectations. If you think I'm going to care, you're asking too much.  (famous funny quote)

______One of the best feelings in the world is the ''I'm sexy and I know it'' feeling......looks like some of you can't quite pull it off.... (funny quotes about LMFAO)

______how would you like your death to be as - look like an accident or a suicide?? I need to work on it accordingly :-D  (funny quote about death)

______Excuse me, you have something on you’re a**...... My eyes (great funny quote)

______My wife said she wanted me to be more romantic, so I am writing her a poem. What rhymes with threesome?  (funny quote about threesome)

______I am going to marry a man with lots of kids. I can use them as shields and decoys when fightings zombies. (funny update about zombies)

______I heard my new neighbor is from Hawaii. Everyone who visits gets 'laid. I am taking him some cookies right now (Funny quotes about Hawaii)

______Ladies, I am a sensitive guy, so when you wash my clothes for me use Tide ONLY....everything else irritates my skin. (funny status update)

______I am going to start a new company and name it 'None of your business' (sarcastic quote)

______I try to stay positive about my job. Like right now, I am positive that it is killing me.  (Funny optimistic quotes)

______Awkward moment when your midget colleague tells you not to go over his head. (funny quotes about midget)

______Apparently, 'keep it in your pants' is an inappropriate thing to say to a 9 month pregnant lady.  (sarcastic status update)

______I've never seen the movie "I Know What You Did Last Summer" I mean what's the big deal?  All I have to do is go on Facebook, and I know what everybody did last summer. (funny movie quotes)

______Years of putting my best foot forward has only served to give my other foot a complex :( (famous funny status update)

______I believe if there were 1,000 bathrooms in my home my wife would still need to be in the one I'm using..... (funny status about wife)

______Oh, smartphone.. you're so f**kin' silly. You know I didn't mean coco when I typed in cock. :) (great funny sarcastic quote)

______Sitting in my car in my pajamas waiting for the liquor store to open.... DONT JUDGE ME... I'm already judging myself ...... (Funny stupid status update)

______I may not know the meaning of self control but I do know it has gotten me into some interesting situations.  (funny self control quotes)

______Remember the times you could run through the sprinklers naked. My neighbor said now is not that time....So did the wife....and their kids...and the cops. oh, and youtube.....

______I'm trying to come up with a new title for my autobiography, because the publisher said "50 shades of Brown! sounds like Sh!t...  (funny quotes about 50 shades of gray)

______SO when Justin sings If I was your boyfriend, he's being hypothetical.. about being a boy  (funy quotes about Justin Bieber being Gay)

______I always turn my home A/C unit off at night because I love to wake up in a prehistoric swamp with giant ferns and flesh eating dinosaurs looming over me. (funny stupid quote)

______Hey you !! get a life. ~ Earth to other planets. (get a life quotes)

______i like a little bacon on my bacon on top of my bacon over bacon before i asked for bacon before i ever even said bacon .. yeah (funny bacon quotes)

______My idea of "Happy Feet" is when my feet are up by his ears. (famous funny quote)

______Fortune teller told me a needed a Psychologist. Psychologist told me I need a Hypnotist. Hypnotism told me I needed a fortune teller. So the Bartender told me I need to go home. I went home and .... (funny psycho quotes)

______It's pretty messed up on how my 6 year old kid can come up with better statuses than me, that little sh!t. (awesome status update)

______Did anyone watch the All Star game last night? The American League really took it on the chin....just like your mom.(Funny quote about American League)

______word to the wise....if u haven't seen your friend Jack in a while and u suddenly realize he is on the same flight as urs....NEVER and I say NEVER get surprised and shout out "HI JACK" (funny quotes about Jack)

______Finally got to make a couple posts today, haven't been posting much lately......I've noticed a few new people......well for all of you that don't know me.....I'm the guy that's totally awesome!!!  (Awesome status update)

______If at first you don't succeed, beat the piss out the son of a b!tch that held you back (if at first u don't succeed quotes)

______I was trying to fart in your beer. I don't care how it looked when you walked in. (funny fart quotes)

______See that big puffy cloud right there? It looks just like that load I shot on your moms back last night (yomama quotes)

______How bored I am seems to be directly linked to how many bars I'm currently kicked out of. (funny bar quotes)

______Holding' his stick while beating' his balls to relieve some stress... at the driving range. :) 

______No no honey you definitely heard me wrong. I definitely said beach. You are a cold heartless beach.....I would never call you a bitch. (Bitch please quotes)

______I'm dusting, mopping, cleaning, I don't understand why they call this housework, that house did not do any work at all. (great funny status update)

______I just ate two doughnuts. I'm pretty much an official cop now, right (funny quotes about cops)

______My dad always told me, No matter what you do, make sure you give it your all so I decided that I haven't been trying hard enough at this whole drinking thing....off to the bar. (funny bar quotes)

______Am I the only one who is sure that Dr. Seuss used "There's a wocket in my pocket" as a pickup line? (funny pickup lines)

______I do this little trick where i juggle 3 oranges, and punch you in the throat (funny trick)

______I'm not a celebrity, but I act like one. I drink too much, have crashed my car a few times, and have little to no self-respect. (funny quotes about celebrities)

______I just rubbed a magic lamp and a genie came out. Except it wasn't a magic lamp. And I need some tissues. (hilarious status update)

______I stand a chance of winning Mr Universe this year provided they are measuring by surface area. (funny quotes about Miss Universe)

______Our relationship was doomed ... she had a foot fetish, but all I could give her was nine inches. (funny relationship quotes)

______Monica Lewinsky turns 50 this week. If they don't put 50 d!*k candles on her cake to blow out, she's going to be disappointed. (funny quotes about Monica Lewinsky)

______Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food chain so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's where the zombie apocalypse comes in... (funny quotes about global warming)

______If I had to fight an alligator, I would fight to the very end. I would use every offensive and defensive tactic I had. Mainly shitting myself. That is offensive and defensive. (great hilarious witty status update)

______If this chick at Starbucks does not hurry up & make my Caramel Frappuccino... I swear, I'm going to be forced to stand here & wait for my Caramel Frappuccino... MOVE IT! (funny Caramel Frappuccino quotes)

______I can now proudly say I have a little weiner........dog that is, she's the cutest little thing!

______You know that thing you just did there...that made my eyes water... (witty status update)

______Wow, chicks and their make up, I just wanna write "Wash me" on their forehead! (funny chicks quotes)

______If the letters ORPN on your keyboard are worn out, you are doing it right. (sarcastic status update)


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49 Funny Quotes

_____My friends are like a box of Cracker Jacks. The nuts are my favorite

_____Holy shit, John Travolta? No wonder why you're such an awesome dancer. (funny John Travolta quote status)

_____Sometimes I talk to myself and laugh because I'm just that hilarious (hilarious quote)

_____i dont get it - females these days are becoming teen moms or they maintain themselves too well.. !! :-/

_____Totally forgot that there is no auto correct when hand writing, doubt the boss is going to like my report!!

_____Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. Though I prefer acid....

_____I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me...moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'.

_____They say you should never go to bed angry. But then they say if you have a problem, you should sleep on it, so how does that work?

_____I don't care if you know what I did last summer, just tell me what the hell I did last night!!

_____The best thing to do to look Happy is to make everyone around you look miserable.. Magic

_____I like my boss like I like my alcohol…Shot

_____it's so pathetic that we have to work for money to buy important stuff that we need to survive.. i wish barter system would still work... cuz i can offer to perform a snake dance for some beer... :-)

_____I would never sell my soul to the Devil. But I'm pretty open to leasing it to him.

_____This bed is far too comfy to get out of to pee... ahhh.... I feel better (lazy quote)

_____either be mine.. Or you shall not see the sunshine.. ~ romantic talk with the guy in the basement ;-)

_____When I told you I liked you better au naturale I didn't mean without makeup.. I meant without clothes.. so umm... Not to sound rude but before the latter could you perhaps fix the former? yeah... Ill miss her.

_____Men. I have all secrets on how to woo a woman. Rule 1. Stop trying to woo more than one at a time.

_____It's a shame I don't have a reflection in the mirror because I'm so pretty.

_____Great. If gays can get married they won't have time to plan straight weddings.

_____an eye infection due to sperm in the eye is cumjunctivitis

_____sometimes I hear a voice telling me to stop drinking. Found out during an ultrasound, it was my liver.

_____your face isn't anything a bottle of tequila cant fix

_____I might find my soulmate if I actually had a soul

_____When I post a status and get only two "likes", it really pisses me off to have a friend steal it and get 20. I think I need a better class of friends!

_____Sarah jessica parker was so cute when she was only a pony (funny Sarah Jessica Parker quote status joke)

_____I always do what makes me happy..........whether its right or wrong............or legal

_____It may be the alcohol talking, but you are sexy as hell!!. Wait, yup, its the alcohol

_____I guess haha you clutz! was an insensitive response to my friends story about how he lost his leg.

_____If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces........ they always seem to attract trouble

_____Sometimes, I like to go to T.G.I. Fridays on Sunday and get sh*t faced... just to prove that us real drunks still exist.

_____I carry redbox movies in my purse for weeks...thug life

_____I would make a post about having a drink but I don't drink so screw you! (that's the alcohol talking)

_____I am so clever sometimes........ Just wish other people were around when I am..

_____I suck at saying goodbyes...thus is why I stalk

_____I cant make you love me, but I can sure as hell test the restrictions on that restraining order.

_____I wish they would make, "faces of death" where you could choose the face.

_____I met a beautiful girl last night. She was quite a squirter. So what if she was squirting pepper spray. It still counts

_____I must taste freakin' awesome! My dog wont stop licking me!

_____ Be careful what you wish for. One time I was going on a date and I wished that she would want to have kiss. She did want to...just not with me

_____Better late than never................ Period probably.

_____If you don't like peeing alone, get a dog.

_____You can't put a value on a human life, but my wife's life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.

_____The doctor told me that I should watch my waist line, so I put it out where I could keep an eye on it. (funny Doctor quote status)

_____Don't be silly, of course I don't hate you,if I hated you, I wouldn't make fun of you.....

_____I got a tattoo of the Facebook logo on my arm and now my arm doesn't work....

_____My grandpa is insisting on buying a guitar.. I think he's gonna start a new genre of music.. "near death metal"

_____i only work so i can earn money.. Money for all my bills.. Like beer, joints, friends, pizza and gadgets...  Am i forgetting anything..??

_____My doctor tries so hard to be hip. I was being examined for a bad case of compacted fecal matter in my colon, and as he looked at the results he proclaimed that shit is tight! (funny doctor status joke)

_____Useless scientists !! They say smoking weed causes short term memory loss......next they will be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss ...

_____I will always be nice to you but only because you have pictures of me naked.. O_O

_____a school teacher is always drunk..so we call her high school teacher

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47 Funny Quotes

_____You are so vain I bet you always know which way the wind is blowing.

_____Someone dared me to post this and I know it wont get many likes but I am gonna do it any way

_____I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger.  and that was the most natural ingredient in this Burger (funny McDonald quote status)

_____I know it's difficult to see things from my point of view, with your head stuck so far up your a**
_____Did you know why the midget didn't get the joke? It was over his head.  (funny midget status)
_____Out of all the theories on arguing with woman; it seems that no one works. (funny women quote)
_____Gosh!, You are SO attractive, turn around and let me get a look.... Mmmn mmmmm, give it a little shake, uh hu... THAT'S THE STUFF dreams are made of baby~ Me in front of the mirror every morning..
_____Well, it's 5:00 p.m here, so I guess it's time to get out of bed and head to the couch....I almost missed my nap! (funny nap quote)

_____If you are gonna share a link with me make sure its a hot one

_____Your posts are so good that I like them twice. What?? Well, it's not my fault that after the first like, it changes to 'Unlike'

_____why is it so necessary to take a shower every year?

_____If you think your loud car stereo makes you a bad a** why do you turn it down like a b!tch when you see a cop? (funny stereo quote status)

_____Don't be mean to me... It's Saturday.

_____the way your profile pic keeps looking at me....i don't know whether to be creeped out or turned on.

_____I have three credit scores and they are all the same: No money, No money, No money. (funny credit quote status)

_____I ask my buddy to give me a hug and he tells me he doesn't do hugs with guys. What the f**k! Look if you think i'm gonna kiss you then DREAM ON

_____Never...ever...ever...wake a sleeping woman!!!!!!! Because then she'll be awake and wanna talk

_____I was told never to throw the first punch, I was also told that I really suck at counting.

_____i feel like changing my display picture to the real me.. but than i dont want to increase my stalkers and/or break your high expectations ;-)

_____I was talking to this beautiful woman earlier today. She said she was surprised I didn't have a girlfriend because I seemed like such a great guy.....then I sneezed in her mouth and the mystery was solved.

_____Studies show that people who like my posts have an above average IQ

_____Sometimes when I see people badly in need of my help, I just wish I was Superman, that way I wouldn't give a flying f**k!

_____I was in London this morning when a Japanese man approached me."Please......Can you take?" he said, handing me a camera.As he sat on the wall smiling, I got into a taxi and thought, "What a nice feller."

_____I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree you can just call me and I'll probably still tell you to f**k off anyways

_____YouTube is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them.. Whatt the f**king Shitt!! In person!

_____What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and shit? (funny Eminem quote status)

_____Am i the only person who wonders what would happen if I microwave something live? Like a cat or mouse.

_____I overheard some women at the store complaining about the fact that she was getting older and how wished she could stay 39 forever so I walked up to her and snapped her neck.

_____my friend texted me saying what would you recommend as a good book to read.... I replied the Dictionary

_____I'm like a physicist in bed. The more aerodynamic a woman curves the greater the resistance. (funny physicist quote)

_____I ALWAYS believe in giving people second chances….because it is MUCH easier to make someone miserable when you are together!!

_____So I was awake whole  night trying to figure out what Insomnia is (funny insomnia quote status)

_____My low self-esteem sucks almost as much as I do. (funny self esteem quote)

_____All it takes is 10 minutes without Internet to prove my total uselessness as a person

_____No one is born as a leader, situations make them an a**hole.... I mean leader. (funny leader quote)

_____I just accidentally toasted bread that was toasted already.....am I now a re toaster!!

_____first day at yoga class, they told me 'no drinks allowed'.. I couldn't leave my glass unattended.. Hence i and my vodka walked out!! (funny yoga vodka quote status)

_____I got a call today that said my neighbor was involved in a hit and run...I told them that I'd be at the hospital as soon as I get my front bumper repaired

_____The last time a Wednesday was a hump day, was 15 years ago before I said "I do" (funny hump day quote)

_____Although never intentional, I always end up making great speeches on random topics while taking a dump. (funny brag quote status)

_____I'm tired from all this procrastination... so I'm just going to sit here and think about taking a nap.

_____I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it

_____What did I do last night? I climbed a mountain and wrestled a tiger. What do you think I did? I f**ked my hand and fell asleep.. WTF! ;)

_____I find the fact that some people don't have a Facebook account highly suspicious

_____But officer she said make it rain!!!  sir you pissed on her head ... And ladies and gentlemen this is the reason Im not back allowed in the strip club

_____I love everyone...I love women...I love my friends...I love to punch stupid MFers in the face...

_____My boss said she likes seeing me hard at work... so I'm taken my pants off to try and get a little ahead!

_____My girlfriend wore so much perfume that I stuck her in a clay pot and set fire to her hair. She was incensed.

_____I was just about to write something inspiring but then I stopped and realized I am not that kind of person!

_____I prefer 77 over 69 cuz you get eight more....

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44 Funny Quotes

_____I was thinking about when I met my wife. I'll never forget the first thing she ever said to me. " Stop following me, you f**king freak!!!"  (short joke)

_____I poked your mom today. Then I logged on to Facebook (funny facebook quote status)_____Wonders if when I'm about to go to sleep, the people in my dreams shudder and think, "oh no, she's back again!" 
_____I'm the kind of friend who will give a person a hug when they need it and a swift kick in the a** when they need it and I feel that the latter is more often needed. 
_____I'm going to succeed in business without really trying. By succeed, I mean fail, and by trying I mean taking a lot of naps. 
_____Facebook is like a men locker room at the gym. All the nuts hang out here (funny Facebook Status)
_____I'll go hiking with any woman if it leads to the trail head. 
_____You can tell by my calf muscles that I kick people while they're down. 
_____Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post. 
_____I overheard a woman telling her boyfriend that he spends too much time on Facebook. Then she got mad, because I was ignoring her. 
_____I am rich, good looking and hung like a horse. I just wish I could stop telling lies_____Barbra Walters has been arrested in LA for stealing kitchen utensils. She pleaded, "It was a wisk I had to take." (Funny Barbra Walters quote joke) 
_____It is impossible to send a hug thru the internet but if you send me a topless photo I will HUG myself 
_____No, I do not want to go to my school reunion, I have facebook, I can see that you've turned into a fat ugly b!tch..... 
_____My wife said she's leaving me because of my addiction to Facebook, I didn't comment, I just gave her a thumbs up. (funny wife quote) 
_____Being on Facebook is like being constipated. I cant seem to log out (funny Facebook status) 
_____I tried to chase my dreams... but realized I had a knife in my hand, so now they're scared of me. :( (funny dream quote) 
_____I once dated a guy named Mike who hated to be called Michael. Then I dated a guy named Dave who really hated to be called Michael. ;) 
_____I am not a stalker!!!! I just believe in extensively participating in the neighborhood watch program. (funny stalker quote) 
_____I single handedly prevented a mass murder at work today or I gave in a smoked a cigarette, ever how you want to say it. (funny smoking quote) 
_____I saw a sign in the store that said pants up to 80% off so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on :( 
_____ jealous of the toilet bowl because i hug it more then him :( 
_____This lady just told me that her coffee was superior to mine........ Well Latte Da! 
_____For the past year, I've been putting all my loose change into a piggy bank. Today, I smashed it open and I now have enough money to buy another piggy bank. Result. 
_____I've been buying way too much alcohol from the other day... I think I may have a really serious problem.. . I'm becoming a shopaholic 
_____Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle. 
_____Don't want someone to sit next to you on the bus? Easy. Just shit your pants. 
_____I'm going to stop asking people the proverbial question  "How stupid can you get?". Some people see it as a challenge. 
_____Make this conversation quick, I don't have all day, I'm a very busy person. And when you're done, close the door, so I can finish my nap. Thanks! 
_____I love all four letter words.....except STOP.... 
_____This lady asked me if I believe in reincarnation... Psst!, I don't even put cream in my coffee to begin with. 
_____I sneezed at my job earlier......... I then said Excuse me....I must be allergic to being good at my job. We all had a good laugh & went back to work...... 
_____What are you the wallfather? I will write whatever the hell I want! 
_____They say that watching fish has a calming effect but I been staring at this tuna casserole for like an hour and it has done nothing for my anxiety. 
_____What exactly is the geographical area where they laugh 'ahahah' instead of 'hahaha'? Do they chop off an 'a' or they add one? Or perhaps they read it backwards? These questions don't let me sleep.
_____My doctor told me you have 3 months left to live.  YAY! The governor told me that I was getting executed tomorrow!  In your FACE governor!!
_____Sometimes I forget that I'm not an actual king in reality......so that throat punch to the man in the liquor store for not bowing down to me was a bit probably over the edge

_____WooHoo! I just won $500 on a lottery ticket. I just knew buying 1000 tickets today was a good investment (funny lotto quote)

_____Whenever I'm questioning an important decision, I visit with my cardiologist. He always tells my heart is in the right place.

_____They say it is better to have loved than lost.....but if u ask me.........I'll tell u to fuck off and stop asking me questions!!!

_____Don't listen to what people say "Follow You Dreams"...unless you are a fat b!tch cos you won't be able catch up with it. (funny dream quote)

_____They say "misery loves company"...if that's true...where the fuck is my company?

_____I think tomorrow I will update my profile picture with a duck face picture of myself. :)

_____These tragic stories on the news would be alot easier to watch if the background music was the Benny Hill theme.

_____Your honor ,As far as I know, silence is consent.....and she didn't say ntn when I asked if she wanted to be locked up In my basement......................and I'm sure the duct tape over her mouth had nothing to do with it!!!!!

_____A pig with lipstick is still a pig. But for some reason, me with lipstick makes me the most popular guy in the entire prison.

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24 Funny Quotes

____No, officer. I don't need a phone call, but could I update my fb to "it's complicated"? (funny cop quote)
_____My car broke down today. I didn't even know it was depressed :(
_____thinks she who laughs first has the dirtiest mind!! ;)
_____there is an unwritten rule that
_____The only people you'll have problems within life are the people who you allow to be problems.
_____Please, I'll only put it in for a minute and I'll remove it quickly ~ Me talking to Microwave.
_____There are 2 things that really drive me insane, hypocrites (funny hypocrites quote)
_____My wife had a day off and I came home and ask her if she thought the vacuum cleaner would run itself. That's when it hit me.
_____I hate when people tell me how to do my job,...........................especially my boss. (funny boss quote)
_____It's hard to get over a girl, especially when she likes being on top.
_____I can count my real friends on one hand and my enemies on one middle finger
_____it's just a “like”, it's not like your donating a kidney!
_____Every time you block me, I find 36 new ways to stalk you.
_____people say: "It's NOT the size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean." But, Do you really want to go to Hawaii in a dingy OR a Luxury Cruise Ship?
_____ACTING bad is a moment....BEING bad is an addiction.
_____Way to disappoint me, pretty girls with horrible teeth.
_____I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet... like my girlfriends toothbrush.
_____Whenever you use a hotel towel to wash your face try not to think about the fact that thousands of people have dried their asses with it.
_____I just watched a film casted entirely by midgets. It was pretty short. (funny midget quote)
_____If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute, you're not a good one.
_____I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. I still haven't figured out how to get them down (funny Christmas quote)
_____‎"I want you to make love to me right this minute." - every girl I've never met.
_____You're mean- says mean people.
_____Took years to admit it, but my uncle really does take the sexiest photos of me.
_____is very good at things people normally get sent to mental asylum for. ;)
_____I miss being in Love. At least that's what I think her name was. (funny love quote)

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23 Funny Quotes

_____There's no feeling better that this warm air coming from your laptop on your crotch in this freaking cold weather. (funny winter quote)
_____I type my statuses slowly, so that some of you can understand them. (funny Facebook status)
_____I just read that prostate exams are only necessary if you’re over 40… my doctor has some good explaining to do (funny status ,joke)
_____If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar. (funny bar quote)
_____There's nothing that feels more like a slap in a face than someone swinging their open palm right into your cheek. (funny status quote)
_____‎"With" implies the feeling is mutual so 'technically' you're only in love AT me. (funny love quote)
_____My doctor asked me if i have a drinking problem. I said no. He laughed and said 'No, seriously.' (funny status joke)
_____You’re not the boss of me ~ me to my boss right after he fired me. (funny boss quote)
_____When someone asks you where the boss' room is, laugh hysterically then suddenly get back to whatever you were doing. Just to make things interesting. (funny boss status joke)
_____Today I am going out and making the world a brighter place. . . I'm going to throw lamps at people and tell them to "Lighten the F**k Up!! (top funny status quote)
_____Well i had a funny and witty status for the day but due to my terrible attention span i forgo - O SQUIRREL! , i wonder if i can catch him. (best funny status)
_____The worst part about being ME...?? well.. there is none.. i am AWESOME! (awesome status quote)
_____It's not that I hate you, but let's just say, if you were on fire and I had water in my mouth, I'd gulp it down. Unless I'd been drinking petrol. Then I'd just spit on you. (funny hate quote, joke)
_____‎"I can attribute quotes to anybody on here and nobody can prove that person didn't say it!" (funny status quote)
_____If a chick tells you she's "not like all the other girls"....she just proved she's exactly like all the other girls. (funny chick status quote)
_____The better my status, the more Facebook friends I lose. (funny Facebook status)

_____Unless you are alone, don’t ever laugh in the bathroom, it will make people think ur playing with yourself. (funny status quote)
_____I can't make you love me but I can get drunk and beat off to your voice mails. (funny voice mail  quote)
_____I liked you status and now 100 comments later, I hate you! (funny status quote)
_____I LOVE Justin Bieber. ~ People in my block list (funny bieber status)
_____I like my women like I like my windows 98... Always going down on me (top funny quote)
_____I always pull over to help a good looking girl with car troubles. I don't know anything about cars but I know how pornos start. (best witty status quote)
_____I am so broke...if it took .25 cents to get around the world...I could not get around the block! (best funny quote)
_____MARK MY WORDS!!!!!!! - me to my highlighter :) (top funny quote, short joke)
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22 Funny Quotes

____I listen to stranger's conversations and give my opinion... "does this dress make my butt look big?" "no but your butt makes that dress look big!" (best funny quote, status, joke)
_____Forget about wanting a *dislike* button added to Facebook. I want the ability to toilet paper someone's wall. (funny Facebook status)
_____I wish I lacked confidence & talent so I could become successful by kissing people's a$$e$ instead of working hard & earning it. (hilarious, witty quote)
_____I'm very concerned by the fact that I actually understand, and can somewhat relate to, the things you people are saying.(funny quote of the day)

_____You know how sometimes you spit while running and it’s perfectly normal? Well the guy on the treadmill next to me was annoyed (funny quote, joke)
_____A gallon of fuel cost more than my Crown and Coke at the bar, The world has now officially gone to hell. (top funny quote, hilarious status)
_____as long as its not in my a$$, I simply DON'T CARE! (hilarious ,witty quote, funny joke)

_____Please stand back I am a professional. I am a humor status specialist. (top funny quote, funny status, short joke)
_____I don't care if you call me a narcissist.. at least we’re talking about me (funny quote, status)
_____My status would be a lot funnier if I could do it in another font. (funny status, quote)
_____My doctor asked me if I was a heavy drinker.

Me: No.... I only buy a 6 pack 4 times a day.... it's lighter to carry that way.  (short funny joke, funny status)

_____I can never remember- is it two pills three days a week or three pills twice a day. Labels. (best funny quote , hilarious status)
_____If you're paying a penny for my thoughts you're paying way too much. (awesome funny quote)
_____I'm not 'unemployed', I just have earning difficulties. (funny unemployment quote , status)
_____You can't be ugly and mean...Be ugly and jolly or a gorgeous bi**h. (hilarious witty quote, joke)
_____Don't hate on me....because I have the balls to speak my mind (best funny quote)
_____Two things in this world speak of how many loads they can handle... Laundry detergent and pornstars. (witty quote, short joke)
_____The way this fly is rubbing its hand together I'm sure it's planning something evil  (witty quote, hilarious status)
_____I've found that left-handed people just aren't right  (funny quote)
_____I've been watching the TV for the past three hours... I think it's time to turn it on.. (funny TV quote)
_____This status is based on actual facts: you're an a$$hole  (witty quote, hilarious status)
_____Nothing reminds me how often I'm wrong more than the question "Guess what?!"  (awesome funny quote, best status, joke)

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21 Funny Quotes

____The probability of me having a Good Night is equal to the probability of you wishing me a Good Night.. (funny quote)
_____I don't care to date the most beautiful woman in the world.. I want the woman who makes the world the most beautiful to me (top funny quote, short joke)
_____‎3 Advice for Life

1- never be afraid to say what's on your mind

2- never be afraid to do what's on your mind

3- never take life advices from a facebook status .............. (funny status)
_____I want you to sensually harass me......... (best funny quote, status)
_____I'm nothing like a cat... I have 5 facebook accounts but no life     (funny Facebook status)
_____It would be great that before going to bed life asks us if we want to save the changes.... (funny life quote, status , joke)
_____I made many mistakes in my life recently..If you don’t hear from me soon... you are one of them (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____Just got some awesome wheels for the car! Gas is to high to drive it but I can only imagine how cool I'm gonna look when I push it to town. (Funny gas quote, status, joke)
_____I Always make sure to click like on my pics and statuses... I also enjoy a great self high five. (funny high five quote, status)
_____I have to go to court for stalking pretty girls like you - pick up line I will never use again..... (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____If I'm in a bar and a girl asks me where the bathroom is, I just point to my face and wink at them. (funny bar status, short joke)
_____It's physically impossible to be a sack of shit and a piece of shit at the same time. One must always choose wisely. (funny shit quote,status, joke)
_____Today I am thankful for involuntary hospitalizations and psychiatric nurses with no professional boundaries... (funny medical joke, quote, status)
_____Someone once asked me what I thought of apathy, I told them I don't much care for it. (funny apathy quote, status, joke)
_____I'm going to start carrying around a note book shaped like an eye. I've always wanted an Eye Pad.. (funny iPad quote , status)
_____I'm a gentleman. I'll file the restraining order myself.. (funny quote, hilarious status)
_____Girl at the grocery asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I replied "I don't care, I'm bisacktual". (witty quote)
_____girls don't listen to me, which is really frustrating when I'm trying to tell one that we're meant for each other. (best funny quote, witty status, short joke)
_____When my ex left me, she had a lot of junk in the trunk......it was all mine and now I don't have a trunk :( (funny ex quote, hilarious 
status)
_____  If you can't read my misspelled jokes and incorrect punctuated statements then too bad ....I'm still laughing. (funny status, joke)
_____My sense of humor is bein' shaped by people I never have to meet.. I wouldn't have it any other way. (funny quote status)

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20 Funny Quotes

____I'm so hot while cleaning the house I make the floor wet. (funny quote, funny status)

____Its 2:30 you know what that means? That's right... Its no longer 2:29...... (funny time quote, short joke)
_____I did everything on my to do list today. It started with nothing & ended with nothing & I did it all. (funny daily quote, funny joke)
_____A girl can go from a perfect 10 to a modest 4 by taking off her over sized sunglasses. (funny quote, funny status)
_____Well, I have more cavities than I thought....... those customs agents do a pretty thorough job :( (funny custom agent quote,joke)
_____You can tell a lot about a person by putting little video cameras throughout their house. (funny quote, funny status)
_____I don’t have trust issues, I just don’t trust you. (funny trust quote, hilarious status)
_____I was told to always speak my mind...but I was also told if I don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Do you see my problem here? (top funny quote, funny status)
_____This day couldn't possibly get worse - me, right before being called to work urgently, being pulled over by a cop for "accidentally" showing him the finger, and updating this status instead of using my one phone call to call my lawyer. (funny daily status, joke)
_____Today, I decided to face all my problems head on.. therefore unblocking everyone previously blocked. Let the games begin. (funny status, funny Facebook quote)
_____There is not ONE person reading this, right now, who doesn't need some sort of therapy (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____The thing about dignity and self respect is I don't have either, which is why I'm on f**king Facebook.. (funny Facebook quote)
_____Serious WARNING : Objects in pants are larger than they appear.......... (best hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____The dedication to work is inversely proportional to square of the distance to the deadline. (funny work quote, awesome quote)
_____I can't believe people still read the newspaper to find out how f**ked up people are.. I just log into Facebook. (funny Facebook quote, funny Facebook status)
_____My girlfriend asked me if I love Facebook more than I love her...I said, I'm sorry, but I don't talk to people who don't like my statuses. (funny Facebook quote, Funny Facebook status)
_____So. I got the boys together last night for a game of poker...........she was such a great sport. (hilarious quote, hilarious status)
_____‎2012 will be the end…of that theory (top funny 2012 quote, best funny quote)
_____Most people don't pay my bills so I don't give a shit about what most people do.  (funny bill quote, funny status)
_____My typical day: 1. wake up 2. realize I have so much to do I don't know where to begin 3. spend the rest of the day on Facebook....... (funny Facebook quote, Funny daily quote)
_____If being a friend was a job… you’re fired (funny friend quote, funny work quote)

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