58 Funny Quotes

_____My coworker said he misses being in high school so I took his lunch money and gave him a wedgie (funny quote about coworker)

_____Barack Obama's initials are B.O. No wonder he stinks as a president (funny quotes about Barack Obama)
_____You know it's not officially considered a good night until you throw up in your mouth a little (funny quote status about night)
_____When someone bullsh!ts me I leave a real sh!t on their pillow. (funny insult quote)
_____Once upon time, bathrooms were used to take shit. Not pictures. (famous funny quote)
_____Had to break out the ouija board and hold a seance... coffee just ain't cutting it this morning! (funny bilingual quote)
_____Don't criticize me. That's my family's job. (great funny quote)
_____you scratch my back.. I will make sure u don't need to scratch yours'.. (hilarious quote status)
_____When my old posts don't receive any "Likes"... I donate them to Goodwill. (great funny status)
_____My records seem to indicate that I really need to upgrade my stereo system (funny quote status about stereo system)
_____I was doing some filing at work today and now my nails look great
_____The first thing a man notices on an attractive woman are her eyes. Then, when they aren't looking, her breasts. (famous funny quote, autocorrect)
_____ I can only speak in my "native tongue". This is why I sound funny on the phone.....I'm licking it.
_____My cell phone is the second hardest thing in my pants right now (Witty quote,the punchline)
_____I don't need to post pictures of what I do on the weekend because you already know what your mom looks like (funny quotes about your mom)
_____Something about seeing a sexy woman riding a bicycle that makes me wish my face was the seat (great funny quote)
_____Here's a tip guys. When you get angry at someone, start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat...they will never expect that. (funny inspirational quote)
_____What is so similar between facebook and my life? - Almost everyone uses it.  (Awesome     

great quote)
_____I might as well change my bucket list into my f**k it list because your mom is the only thing on it (funny yo mama quote)
_____I wish my wife went down as much as my mobile internet does (hilarious quote status)
_____If anyone is wondering' why I keep smelling' my fingers today.. it's because I can't stop touching' myself. Yeah.. it's that good. :) (creepy quote)
______I thought I stepped in dogshit turns out I just stepped on my boss (Great funny quote about boss)
______Living for what tomorrow has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away, but today I'm getting drunk. (funny drunk quote status)
______Oh, was that your status. I'm sorry I thought it was just your computer being retarded. (retarded quote,the punchline)
_____I was really dumb at school..I use to always have a hole in my pocket... or else I would have never been able to count to 6. (funny quote status about school)
_____Don't need to worry about zombies coming to my house....no brains. (funny zombie quote)
_____I typed 'Hell' instead of "Michigan" into my GPS. I still got there. (funny GPS quote)
_____My husband said she was leaving me because I overreacted too much. So I punched him in the face with a brick ! (crazy quote)
_____My last girlfriend left me because she said I had no sense of fashion. So I put on my socks and sandals and walked right out the door. (funny quote about fashion)
_____girls are so good at multitasking...my girl used the toaster while having a bath....well that's what I told the cops.  (short joke, funny inspiring words)
_____I wish my dishwasher come with instructions because I can't figure out why she's mad at me. (great funny quote)
_____I sent my wife to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later (funny status about wife)
_____I'm lying in bed thinking and worrying about insomnia. I hope I don't get it. (funny quote about insomnia)
_____Thank you facebook for the "poke suggestions". Now my brother, my cousins, my mom and several male friends have asked me... "WTF, DUDE?" (funny Facebook status)
_____Does anyone know if Peter Gabriel ever became that Sledgehammer? (funny quote about Peter )
_____
The phrase, 'I before E except after C' reminds me to take my insulin before I take ecstasy unless I've been on the cocaine.  (great funny quote)
_____Miley Cyrus is engaged.  So basically the world is coming to an end. (funny quote about Miley Crus)
_____being happy doesn't mean everything is going good. It just means, the meds are working (funny happiness quote)
_____I seriously cannot wait to see the fuckery that will be Britney Spears on The X Factor. (funny quote status about Britney)
_____I might sleep on my couch tonight only because I'm too lazy to walk the five feet to my bedroom. (lazy quote)
_____I was in the garden trying to plant some seeds but it slipped out and ended up on her leg
_____I post jokes about banging your mom so that when I really do it it wont be so shocking to you (funny yo mama joke)
_____I love when cooking directions include Take product out of microwave carefully. It will be hot. Really? Its been in there for 4 minutes. Of course it will be hot
_____your life would have been so boring if i wouldn't have been born.. :-p (funny quote about life)
_____I know I need to be more pacific..but can anyone tell me where is this Specific Ocean ?
_____Just wanted to let you know.. I'm not just liking' your posts because I'm stoned but because you're funny. Well, maybe.. cuz sometimes I lie. :) (sarcastic quote)
_____Heading to the Mall with my bullhorn... to cheer on the morning walkers.
_____I don't know why people say using Splenda is bad for you. Hell.. I don't mind this third ear on my forehead at all. :)
_____I've been paying for my son's tutoring lessons in French, German and algebra. I'm pretty sure he can say a few words in algebrarian by now (funny algebra quote)
_____Coffee in one hand and my bong in the other. F**k you, Folgers.. this is the best part of waking up. :)
_____Show me on this delete button... where I offended you. (offensive quote)
_____If you haven't noticed I'm not an English major and I don't give a fuck where my sentence ends and where it begins so f**k you. :) (insulting quote status)
_____I'm just gonna drag my butt along the carpet like a dog... and see where that gets me.
_____so my tooth needs cavity filling and hurts like crazy.. But i am broke.. So this month.. The filling will be of vodka only.. (funny vodka status)
_____Just walked into a gas station wearing ONLY shirt and shoes... The service was excellent! (great famous funny quote)
_____so i am wearing new sandals today's.. Should i behave like a 'normal girl' and update a pic..?? Tough call for me as a tomboy..
 _____That moment when you realize your pillow gets more head then you do (the moment quote)
_____Going to bed for real now. Well, mostly because all the vodka is gone. (vodka quote)
_____Nicki Minaj should release a dictionary of what all of her songs actually mean. (funny quote about Nicki Minaj)
_____Truly funny statuses are becoming rarer than rocking horse shit.


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_____You are so vain I bet you always know which way the wind is blowing.

_____Someone dared me to post this and I know it wont get many likes but I am gonna do it any way

_____I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger.  and that was the most natural ingredient in this Burger (funny McDonald quote status)

_____I know it's difficult to see things from my point of view, with your head stuck so far up your a**
_____Did you know why the midget didn't get the joke? It was over his head.  (funny midget status)
_____Out of all the theories on arguing with woman; it seems that no one works. (funny women quote)
_____Gosh!, You are SO attractive, turn around and let me get a look.... Mmmn mmmmm, give it a little shake, uh hu... THAT'S THE STUFF dreams are made of baby~ Me in front of the mirror every morning..
_____Well, it's 5:00 p.m here, so I guess it's time to get out of bed and head to the couch....I almost missed my nap! (funny nap quote)

_____If you are gonna share a link with me make sure its a hot one

_____Your posts are so good that I like them twice. What?? Well, it's not my fault that after the first like, it changes to 'Unlike'

_____why is it so necessary to take a shower every year?

_____If you think your loud car stereo makes you a bad a** why do you turn it down like a b!tch when you see a cop? (funny stereo quote status)

_____Don't be mean to me... It's Saturday.

_____the way your profile pic keeps looking at me....i don't know whether to be creeped out or turned on.

_____I have three credit scores and they are all the same: No money, No money, No money. (funny credit quote status)

_____I ask my buddy to give me a hug and he tells me he doesn't do hugs with guys. What the f**k! Look if you think i'm gonna kiss you then DREAM ON

_____Never...ever...ever...wake a sleeping woman!!!!!!! Because then she'll be awake and wanna talk

_____I was told never to throw the first punch, I was also told that I really suck at counting.

_____i feel like changing my display picture to the real me.. but than i dont want to increase my stalkers and/or break your high expectations ;-)

_____I was talking to this beautiful woman earlier today. She said she was surprised I didn't have a girlfriend because I seemed like such a great guy.....then I sneezed in her mouth and the mystery was solved.

_____Studies show that people who like my posts have an above average IQ

_____Sometimes when I see people badly in need of my help, I just wish I was Superman, that way I wouldn't give a flying f**k!

_____I was in London this morning when a Japanese man approached me."Please......Can you take?" he said, handing me a camera.As he sat on the wall smiling, I got into a taxi and thought, "What a nice feller."

_____I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree you can just call me and I'll probably still tell you to f**k off anyways

_____YouTube is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them.. Whatt the f**king Shitt!! In person!

_____What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and shit? (funny Eminem quote status)

_____Am i the only person who wonders what would happen if I microwave something live? Like a cat or mouse.

_____I overheard some women at the store complaining about the fact that she was getting older and how wished she could stay 39 forever so I walked up to her and snapped her neck.

_____my friend texted me saying what would you recommend as a good book to read.... I replied the Dictionary

_____I'm like a physicist in bed. The more aerodynamic a woman curves the greater the resistance. (funny physicist quote)

_____I ALWAYS believe in giving people second chances….because it is MUCH easier to make someone miserable when you are together!!

_____So I was awake whole  night trying to figure out what Insomnia is (funny insomnia quote status)

_____My low self-esteem sucks almost as much as I do. (funny self esteem quote)

_____All it takes is 10 minutes without Internet to prove my total uselessness as a person

_____No one is born as a leader, situations make them an a**hole.... I mean leader. (funny leader quote)

_____I just accidentally toasted bread that was toasted already.....am I now a re toaster!!

_____first day at yoga class, they told me 'no drinks allowed'.. I couldn't leave my glass unattended.. Hence i and my vodka walked out!! (funny yoga vodka quote status)

_____I got a call today that said my neighbor was involved in a hit and run...I told them that I'd be at the hospital as soon as I get my front bumper repaired

_____The last time a Wednesday was a hump day, was 15 years ago before I said "I do" (funny hump day quote)

_____Although never intentional, I always end up making great speeches on random topics while taking a dump. (funny brag quote status)

_____I'm tired from all this procrastination... so I'm just going to sit here and think about taking a nap.

_____I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it

_____What did I do last night? I climbed a mountain and wrestled a tiger. What do you think I did? I f**ked my hand and fell asleep.. WTF! ;)

_____I find the fact that some people don't have a Facebook account highly suspicious

_____But officer she said make it rain!!!  sir you pissed on her head ... And ladies and gentlemen this is the reason Im not back allowed in the strip club

_____I love everyone...I love women...I love my friends...I love to punch stupid MFers in the face...

_____My boss said she likes seeing me hard at work... so I'm taken my pants off to try and get a little ahead!

_____My girlfriend wore so much perfume that I stuck her in a clay pot and set fire to her hair. She was incensed.

_____I was just about to write something inspiring but then I stopped and realized I am not that kind of person!

_____I prefer 77 over 69 cuz you get eight more....

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